this year would have made twenty seven

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jellybeans
Member Elite

since 2000-10-13

Posts 2298

0 posted 2002-03-07 06:02 PM

He surveyed all that he had hoarded
and incredulously asked her-
You want me to give up all this?
he gestures wildly

You don’t understand,
his head softly shaking
this is
my
sadness,
he touches his chest
bought
and
paid for.

and again his head shakes
Forgive and forget?
his chin now lifting
Start over
with a clean slate?
his eyes wildly rolling

I haven’t worked this hard to get here
to let you in with a few tear drops
he curses to someone she can’t see
Not with my blessing, you wont.

This is my sadness, I own it.
I won’t let you
take it.
his fists clenched at his sides

Go.
he dismisses her with a wave of his hand

Leave me be.
he sits and leans his head inside his hands

All of his life he had saved-
every hurt and betrayal.
every word misspoken,
every night slept in anger,
He miserly stored them all away.

Shreds of trust hang over
the windows darkened with age,
the doors deadlocked and
double bolted from the
inside.

The not for sale sign
he wears on his lips
upside down.

[This message has been edited by jellybeans (03-08-2002 10:42 AM).]

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

1 posted 2002-03-07 06:12 PM

(tears fall down my cheeks) This is so very sad, sweet friend, my heart goe sout to him and I pray that soon he can have the courage to leave it all behind and to trade his tears for smiles of hope and warmth! (big hugggssssss) My heart goes out to him, sweet friend, we all love you so much, this is wonderfully touching! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet friend, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

2 posted 2002-03-07 06:14 PM

JellyBeans~
Such a poignantly-stirring piece~

'I haven’t worked this hard to get here
to let you in with a few tear drops'

Remarkable line .... it is~

The entire piece aches with vivid emotion~
*Hugs*
~*Marge*~

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
[email protected]

Krissy
Senior Member

since 2002-02-22

Posts 556
kent England

3 posted 2002-03-07 08:54 PM

Jellybeans hi there this is a seriously good piece of writing, you’ve written this well.

It simply echoes with the soul in pain, I like it I like it a whole lot.

Well done

Love and warm stuff
As always
Krissy

And while thy willing soul transpiers
at every pore with instant fires
Andrew Marvell 1621-1678

jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

4 posted 2002-03-07 09:06 PM

Wow! Just love the way you did this, jellybean...really intense and true. Could feel all the emotion from begining to end and it flowed beautifully...very - well - done.

jwesley

suthern

Member Seraphic

since 1999-07-29

Posts 20723
Louisiana

5 posted 2002-03-08 09:15 AM

All of his life he had saved-
every hurt and betrayal.
every word misspoken,
every night slept in anger,
He miserly stored them all away.

Shreds of trust hang over
the windows long broken,
the doors deadlocked and
double bolted from the
inside.

Well, lady, you've achieved the impossible. *S* Not in writing a poem so filled with emotion it hurts my heart... you do that often and well. *S*

No... you've done much more than that. *S* You've made me feel sorry for him, for how much he's missing as he clings to his sadness... he has blinded himself to love offered and isolated himself choosing the wrong comfort... finding it's no comfort at all.

Just don't expect this sympathy to last, though. *S* He won't let it.

Superb writing, jb.

ecrivan
Member Elite

since 2001-12-10

Posts 3923
my own state

6 posted 2002-03-08 09:31 AM

written from the heart, liked the form too

jellybeans
Member Elite

since 2000-10-13

Posts 2298

7 posted 2002-03-08 11:01 AM

thank you all so much...this one was easy to write...I was a witness, so I just penned the commentary.......sigh

and suthern, you got a big heart lady, that's no faulty of mine...I am just lucky yo have you for a friend

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

8 posted 2002-03-08 11:18 AM

this is
my
sadness,

this right here sums up my feelings in this poem... emotional shields = emotional emaciation. the whole of this gripped me in a spot that understands - too much.

i do have one minor critique - the closing lines... the idea represented is very good - the manner in which you presented it jumps over the cliche it could have been... but i think it's a bit too... uhmm... "light" for the tone of the rest of the poem. i think with a little rewording (maybe making it not so "obvious") the end could have a real impact.

just my op - i really liked this

Christopher

jellybeans
Member Elite

since 2000-10-13

Posts 2298

9 posted 2002-03-08 03:59 PM

hey chris, thank you for the thoughts, do you have any ideas on the ending...will give it some thought over the weekend also...

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