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Me and Maud
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Me and Maud |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas 
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Me and Maud The wheels 'neath my feet keep on rolling; just where they are headed I don't know. Life ain't what it seems and I'm trapped within my dreams. So where they end up is where I'll go. There's a truck stop east of Arizona where one can rest and cheaply feed their gob. A lady she may seem but back home she is the Queen, this trucker there I met who goes by Maud. Well Maud and me hit the road that evening. She had a few more states to haul her load. She told me of her man and the children by his hand living far away in her abode. He and I, we have an Understanding born from the years that I've been in this cab. I haven't met him yet but he knows that I'm no threat else I'd be beneath an earthen slab. As for me I tell to Maud my stories, singing songs about the open road. I let her my mind pick after a saucy limerick, or whenever I tell tales both new and old. Once a month she'll leave me for a few weeks at some truck stop while she heads back home. There I'll stay all day as in her car she drives away, until she picks me up once more to roam. I'm just a gentle soul this side of Heaven tied to Maud in ways you wouldn't know. It was my own bad luck that she killed me with her truck on that fateful day so long ago. Note: The first verse can double as a chorus or refrain, placed after verse pairs. 1 23 1 45 1 67 1 Alicat 1/13/06 |
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| © Copyright 2006 Alastair Adamson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brian James Member
since 2005-06-26
Posts 147Winnipeg |
Hey Alicat, This is an interesting piece. I have a few comments to make. First, I think the subject matter is a little too broad, and it's difficult to understand the significance of the story. You and Maud like sharing stories, her husband must not mind, and it turns out you're a ghost. I like the minor references to the "twist" at the end (like how you'd 'be beneath an earthen slab,' but you're the living dead, so you're not), but I feel like you don't give enough of an impression of what your relationship was actually like. What kind of stories did she tell you, why, etc? You spend a lot of time describing the routine, but too little of what happens. Also, I think your language is inconsistent at times. I find it hard to believe that the same person says "life ain't what it seems" and "in her abode" and "earthen slab." Maybe the rhyme scheme ended up giving you a little trouble? It can be tough, I'll admit, to get away from poetic language when you're using form like this, but I think it's more important for you to try and keep a consistent spoken tone, one way or the other (maybe doing away with the colloquialisms and writing in fully poetic language). Sorry if some of this is a bit harsh. Just felt like this merited a response. Brian "To me, the thing that art does for life is to clean it, to strip it to form." |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Hmmmm... I hadn't considered that aspect, as I was thinking "music" as I read. I agree with Brian that there is perhaps one jump that might be remedied with an extra stanza, right inbetween these two: "Well Maud and me hit the road that evening. She had a few more states to haul her load. She told me of her man and the children by his hand living far away in her abode. He and I, we have an Understanding born from the years that I've been in this cab. I haven't met him yet but he knows that I'm no threat else I'd be beneath an earthen slab." That's both intriguing and integral to characterizing the nature of their relationship, but otherwise? I found it easy enough to follow, and I like the freedom of allowing enough leeway to grant my imagination permission to fill in the blanks. I think that also lends to make the poem more easily personalized to the reader. But I like the flow, and the extra work on meter gives the poem the rhythmic construction that helps to convey the intent of the story. Nice work, and bro? Smiling here, I appreciate very much the thought you put into every aspect of each of your postings. And thanks for letting me peek in on the process.  Well done. Again.   |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
I enjoyed the rhythm and meaning behind the words... made me smile at parts M |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
Thanks M, and glad you liked it. Brian, no worries, as I ask to 'lemme have it' in my critique message. You do raise some valid thoughts, and reading this one again after it's cold, I do agree with some of them. I've been in the process of rewriting the original with some feedback from my dear sis, Serenity. By the way, this version is not the original, but a revision with a tragic twist done a day after the original, which did not have a tragic twist. You should see the pages of notes, rewrites, markthroughs, corrections, and just plain old x'ed out verses, just for Me and Maud. If'n I do post the original or yet another revision, it'll be here to prevent confusion. |
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Musicmaker1969 
since 2000-06-25
Posts 589Peterborough, Ontario Canada |
This reads like an old sad country song. I really enjoyed it, even if there were spelling errors as one comment said. We are all human and let the one who is without sin cast the first stone. I liked it because my father has been a trucker all his life so I can fully relate to what you write. I found it very interesting and I can understand the odd relationship you had with Maud. Great write. Sheri Adams Jesus lives in my heart! He can in yours too!!! |
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