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Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094
Coastal Texas

0 posted 2005-05-21 06:43 PM

We could fall laughing into our own abyss
at Life's dark humor delivered with a twist.
Fulfillment beckons if we only have the nerve
to go across the grain, slide against the curve.

There's so much we have missed, like that middle kiss.
Not the first, not the last, just something in our past.

Synergistic, we are greater than our single parts;
all it takes is for you and me to open up our hearts.
You say it's not me, you just wanted to be free
so have it your way, I can always walk away.

Take the plunge, take the dive, while we're still alive
into this deep morass; let's make another past.


© Copyright 2005 Alastair Adamson - All Rights Reserved
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
1 posted 2005-05-21 07:30 PM


I like the thought of that "middle kiss"....original.  Come to think of it, it IS probably the most important kiss.  Enjoyed this heart on sleeve poem.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

2 posted 2005-05-21 08:39 PM

You are quite often, I suspect, elusively beyond the realm of the ordinary, and bro? You could be giants.

Your subtlety and wit with a steady degree of real cynicism at times reminds me of that band at times. (They Could Be Giants)

But I'll shaddup.

(hey...I didn't even whisper the others I mentioned earlier...*cackle*)

You already know I loved this'n.


Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094
Coastal Texas
3 posted 2005-05-22 11:08 PM

Thank you for the responses.  Funny you should mention TMBG, sis, since they've had me hooked since 'Don't Let Start', first shown on Dr. Demento's show on Nickelodeon in the mid-80's, and then with their phenominal album 'Flood'.

I am sorry I was too slow to wake and write, as this one was a rather long piece which was all written out in my head in that fragile space between sleep and wakefulness.  Half the lines here, I remembered, and the rest were extrapolated from keywords of which I could still hear the echoes before they, too, faded upon that first cup of coffee which strips the coating from metal spoons.  Regretfully, the rest, the bulk, were lost.

Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Senior Member
since 2001-12-03
Posts 1725
Never close enough
4 posted 2005-05-26 10:48 PM

Well Ali, what you managed to salvage was quite enjoyable to read !!

Thanks for sharing us with you before or after the coffee.  Speakin of which... my hubby makes what I call sailor coffee, cause good grief you could use that stuff to clean ya bumper on the car.  Me?  Well, I could never handle it that way, he has to make me a special pot.  With lots and lots of sugar and cream.  He calls me a whimp lol


I may hate myself in the morning - but I'm gonna love you tonight
-Lee Ann Womack

Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg
5 posted 2005-08-08 07:27 PM

I have to admit that I was loving the inconsistent and unpredictable nature of the flow towards the beginning of the poem, but then it seems you delved into a more comfortable mode of familiar stock phrases (the second-to-last stanza consists almost entirely of what I'm tempted to call cliche, for want of a less loaded term) and musical sound effects.  

The last stanza turbo-charges the flow of the poem with heaps of internal rhyme and a falling rhythm with heavy stress on opening words.  It tends to make the poem's conclusion sound light and sing-songy, and I think it might be more effective if you broke it into shorter lines to add a kind of caesura where one's scansion might get the better of him.

As far as the semantic side of the poem is concerned, I greatly admire your control of the vagueness that's so key to this poem's tone---the prevailing tone of confidence overcoming the vagueness of what could be, the intention to "take the plunge," to disclose the "something" that got away, is quite courageous.  You do well to resist any difficult metaphor or comparison here, as that would certainly have implied too much control...

If you ever want to take the time to revise this, I would suggest a much slower meter towards the end---less music would allow more intimacy, and make the poem seem more personal, in my humble opinion.

Thanks for letting us in on this one, Alicat...


"God becomes as we are that we may be as he is."  ~William Blake

Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094
Coastal Texas
6 posted 2005-08-08 07:45 PM

Sounds like my kinda coffee, TA.

Thanks for the indepth critique, LP!  The reason it's sing-songy is, well, it was a song I could hear in my head while sleeping, but by the time I found my glasses, some paper, and a pen that worked, all I could remember was a very basic version of the harmony and only a remote fraction of the entire piece.  Which is a right bugger.  What's here is roughly 1/5 or 1/4 of the entirity...just wish I could remember the rest of it.  Main problem with impromptu dream writing is the spontaneity.  Once the driving force evaporates, it's gone.

Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2000-06-25
Posts 589
Peterborough, Ontario Canada
7 posted 2006-05-23 03:25 AM

Have you ever thought of buying a mini-cassette recorder?  I keep one by my bed at night so if I am woken by a poem running through my head, I can record it then go back to sleep knowing I won't lose it.  Interesting poem.  Like you said, in your mind it sounded like a song and like a song it came out.

Sheri Adams

Jesus lives in my heart!  He can in yours too!!!
Sheri Liegh Adams

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