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Local Parasite
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since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

0 posted 2004-09-11 08:06 PM

This is small, almost sonnet-sized, but it's really more of a small elegy than a sonnet.

I'm trying something here... my language is intentionally informal, and tries to be colloquial.  I was encouraged to give this a go from one of my critics, so I gave it a shot, always open to something new.  I'd appreciate any feedback---


A pigeon died, a month ago, outside
The window where I sit to eat my lunch.
"He's out there," says a friend of mine, "He died
So long ago that now the other birds
Are cuddling up to him for warmth. Sometimes
There's two, or even three of them, and they
Have all the bearing of a funeral mass
Gathering round and picking what is left,
But nobody could care to bury him.
He's stuck," he says, "until he rots away."
Like children at a carnival, we perch
Our fingers on the window sill and gaze
Down at the canopy when, like a cloud,
Flock upon flock his eulogies are read
From every filthy corner of the ciy:
It's snowing like a night in Amsterdam.

© Copyright 2004 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved
Cpat Hair
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Member Patricius
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793

1 posted 2004-09-13 06:52 PM

I'll be back and offer my thoughts in depth later.. but in general Sir.. it is a very good start
Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655
New York
2 posted 2004-09-13 07:58 PM

It reads a lot like Paradise Lost
to me, (except you have sentences),
as in that dry sort of well-thought
placed sentence, word, feeling . . .
You definitely brought me there and I
had to read it twice in order to fully
comprehend, truly, what you are trying
to do here.  On my first read, I did not
appreciate the blank verse for what it is:

a frame

I, of course, am no critique, but if you were
aiming for something of that nature,
such as Milton - you have done amazingly
well Bri, as always. I do not know enough
blank verse to be correct, just my thoughts.

You have ten syllables per line
and this is highly narrative.

I reflected not on the fact that
there is indeed a dead, rotting
bird corpse there, (actually
the corpse is quite vivid - I think
moreso it reflects beauty) but instead
I saw beauty in the eulogy,
leading up to the feathers . . . the snowstorm . . .

The filth is replaced by beauty.
(or beauty replaced by filth,
depends on your frame of mind)

*nodding Bri*  

[This message has been edited by littlewing (09-13-2004 08:32 PM).]

Child of the Stars
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since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658
Ann Arbor, MI
3 posted 2004-09-13 09:31 PM

Staring at dead pigeons?  You're so weird.

But it's pretty.  It's frighteningly pretty.  I don't think I appreciate the ending though, it'll take a few more reads.  You've pulled off colloquial, honey, like a story you'd tell your friend, but it's so jam packed with higher things...that's the kind of conversation I envy.  As for the style, like anything, do it more and it'll come more naturally.  I think.     Miss you.

  ~Carly Anne

"How inimitably graceful children are in general before they learn to dance!"
           --Samuel Taylor Coleridge

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since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797
4 posted 2004-09-15 03:00 AM

"Flock upon flock his eulogies are read
From every filthy corner of the ciy:
It's snowing like a night in Amsterdam."

Ooooo...I love it, Mister. You had me engaged from start to finish and while it is a short piece, it was certainly no less enjoyable. I want something to pick at but I can't find anything...perhaps mass amounts of labouring over small words will do that but I can't see it happening.

Lovely writing, you.


I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
5 posted 2004-09-17 04:21 PM

Ummmm....I want to work with certain line breaks, add a "t" to "ciy"...

but overall, I'm enjoying your efforts.  The imagery is certainly there, the metaphors are excellent.

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6 posted 2004-09-19 05:25 PM

Beautiful writing as usual LP, I just adore the imagery that you have employed here; thanks for sharing such beautiful writing with us.


Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094
Coastal Texas
7 posted 2004-09-19 08:03 PM

The punctuation is very well placed, though I do wonder at your capitalization of all lines, since that gives the sensation of intentional line breaks and verbal pauses, which does break the continuity of the spoken lines.  The imagery is captivating, especially since I had the distinctive sense of hearing this from a high-rise office hallway, where, it's not uncommon, for the snow to fall up, much like a park of pigeons taking wing at once.
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since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697

8 posted 2004-09-21 07:35 PM

Nice stuff... strange stuff, but you make it nice, as usual. Being technical, you do a good job with the blank verse, but this line read just a bit clumsy to me:

"Are cuddling up to him for warmth.Sometimes"

It might just be me though!

Oh, make me Thine forever
And should I fainting be
Lord, let me never ever
Outlive my love for Thee

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Member Rara Avis
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026
Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass
9 posted 2006-09-29 10:13 PM

Not easy, not easy at all....makes me wonder how they managed to write whole plays in it!

~~(¸¸¸¸ºº>   ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº>  ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº>    ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº>

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