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Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

0 posted 2003-08-27 11:01 PM

She scraped against silence
it left her bloodied and bruised,
hushed, but not without words.

Your voice has grabbed her by her shoulders.

She left her life in your hands
again, paralyzed, she opens her mouth
to scream.

Choking on the swollen words,
she stumbles through your brambles,
thorny, twisted, conquered,
she smiles through it all.

Familiar.

It all was familiar to her,
somehow.

You never took the time to say goodbye
or even hello, for that matter
you simply latched on,
cursing her with you silent words.

She scraped against silence
on her way back to you
and her journey left her shattered.

Your tongue licked her bones,
in and out of each crack,
until you finally felt relief.

Starving, she searched for
a wholeness among the crows.

[This message has been edited by Allysa (08-28-2003 10:22 PM).]

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

1 posted 2003-08-28 01:44 AM

No title coming to mind but this is excellent writing. nice flow and striking images!

gemjop
Member Elite

since 2002-11-18

Posts 2587
Pencilveinia, USA

2 posted 2003-08-28 10:12 AM

Your tongue licked her bones,
in and out of each crack,

ooooh this is gritty. adoring this part. excellent way of making the reader feel she has nothing left of her own.

as for a title. pah, don't ask me, i'm rubbish at em, and end up writing random sentences/words that have nothing to do with the write.

gem

xx

Instant karma's gonna get you.

littlewing
Member Rara Avis

since 2003-03-02

Posts 9655
New York

3 posted 2003-08-28 10:59 AM

Good God Allysa - you are brilliant
this is me:

Choking on the swollen words,
she stumbles through your brambles,
thorny, twisted, conquered,
she smiles through it all.

always
and here:

Your tongue licked her bones,
in and out of each crack,
until you finally felt full.

Starving, she searched for
a wholeness among the crows.

GODDDDD
powerful
xxoo

as for a title for some reason
"Dinner" came to mind, ya I know

[This message has been edited by littlewing (08-28-2003 11:01 AM).]

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

4 posted 2003-08-28 01:03 PM

How about "She scraped against silence"? Poets have been hijacking their first line as titles for years.

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