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Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

0 posted 2003-07-13 04:18 PM

(Written as a plea to a dying future.)

The Retrospect of Love

She hath no glory--there is naught but drought
And famine to be tasted by her lips
Lo, she is handless, seedlessly she plows
The topsoil--until when the light is out
When palate of the knight, who nightly sips
Her sought-for offering, does then arouse
The museless arrows where the sunless crowds
Of lemmings backfloat, mirroring the clouds.

I know her not--though once I made my bed
To lay upon, of locks ript in frustration
From her dear scalp, and cosied thereupon,
Lay prostrate, and when discord fill'd my head--
Bent ope my eyes, and caught with adoration
The crumpled figure that, beloved, shone
An anti-beacon of endearing night
To lick my chin and lull me from the light.

There is no sleep where darkness minds no end;
Only despair--despair and treachery
That opens sullen mouths in broken songs
Where each does a melodious vision send
Against the ears that cannot wake to see
That morning cometh not to he who longs
For it, but he who drinks from the black river
And shuns the horn of Pluto for Apollo's quiver.

I'd not revoke the gaze of Melancholy
But rather, hold her hand in mine, and wait
Her eyes, to hear her raving--it is best
To thus encase the glow of human folly
And nurture it with what a blameless gait
To turn 'round hearts who, deep within the breast
Of singleness of mind, cannot endure
The innocence of what is rightly pure.

And if she, like a yellow leaf in fall
Who finds its own detachment, and complies
For lack of power, turns away, and cries
"O Misery!"--The thieves console her, all,
But every word is muted by desire
In her thick-fogged palace, empty halls
And vacant stairwells mourn--and daybreak stalls
To linger cruelly its presuming fire.

When I, the daughters of great Everest, climb
Or smile to wise Venetian architects
I will require a kindred soul at hand
To share my vision of the grand sublime
Or clutch my shoulder, or my fingers twine
About her own--that once, in retrospect,
When she and I have found the quaking sand
Of our death-beds, we'll yet resound beyond our time.

[This message has been edited by Local Parasite (07-13-2003 04:24 PM).]

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

1 posted 2003-07-13 07:56 PM

* moth covering eyes*
I will be back when I can savor this properly.

*moth looking for where she left her poetic worship knee pads*

Well ... OK ... but you have to wash it first.

(bumper sticker humor) ;)

littlewing
Member Rara Avis

since 2003-03-02

Posts 9655
New York

2 posted 2003-07-13 09:53 PM

And as he lie, upon the sands
Father Time doth plainly smile
For in his hands, he holds thy dreams
In cotton infancy all the while
Although 'tis path littered well and worn
The fork yet to be seen
A ripenening beauty from deep within
strikes death to thy temporal sojourn
Hand in hand, they both await the world
As the world awaits in silent plea

Brian . . .
"The world is yours for the taking . . ."

OK I stole that from "Scarface" but it's true and I can only write like this when I respond to you - so keep writing please . . . far from perfect (MY WRITING) but I am getting there . . .

This was bittersweet indeed and my pen is certainly no match for your own
xxoo

[This message has been edited by littlewing (07-14-2003 04:40 PM).]

timothysangel1973

Senior Member

since 2001-12-03

Posts 1725
Never close enough

3 posted 2003-07-13 10:46 PM

I like!

(I would elaborate, but motherhood beckons me)

Great write

Sven

Member Laureate

since 1999-11-23

Posts 14937
East Lansing, MI USA

4 posted 2003-07-14 01:35 AM

some time, you have to tell me how you do this. . . ok??

superb. . . I miss writing like this. . . really, I do. . .

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm tired of pretending I don't love you. . . --Travis Tritt

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

5 posted 2003-07-14 02:41 PM

Your crit message says "think aloud" ...
it should also say.."read aloud" ...because your rhyme, and verbiage is only done true justice when it is allowed to resonate off the lips and take flight...as always your meter and assonance blend for such wonderful cadence and melodics......Very cool rhyme scheme Bri ...
I also love reading your poetry for the word play and vocab ... for the flawless flow of the language..and I love to look at individual lines and couplets ...you always have such groovy images and personifications and certain lines show your gift of combining all the needed qualities of poetry off even more so....

The museless arrows where the sunless crowds
Of lemmings backfloat, mirroring the clouds.
That opens sullen mouths in broken songs
Where each does a melodious vision send
Against the ears that cannot wake to see

For it, but he who drinks from the black river
And shuns the horn of Pluto for Apollo's quiver.

I'd not revoke the gaze of Melancholy
But rather, hold her hand in mine, and wait

And if she, like a yellow leaf in fall
Who finds its own detachment, and complies

In her thick-fogged palace, empty halls
And vacant stairwells mourn--and daybreak stalls
To linger cruelly its presuming fire.

When I, the daughters of great Everest, climb
Or smile to wise Venetian architects

When she and I have found the quaking sand
Of our death-beds, we'll yet resound beyond our time.
I just adore these lines....

I'd not revoke the gaze of Melancholy
But rather, hold her hand in mine, and wait

And if she, like a yellow leaf in fall
Who finds its own detachment, and complies

how cool are those couplets poetic intend...
and I love your theme of the plea....
as always your poetry runs deep and shows your high level of talent and intelligence,
Too smart for your own good I'll bet

Another superb write Brian...
the moth is content for the moment lol

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

6 posted 2003-07-14 10:05 PM

Think aloud, eh? (at least that's what your critique message says). I don't know if that's the best idea, so I'll combine all my thoughts into this:

You are awesome. A dream. This is wonderful and I loved it so much that I read it to my mom and she really really liked it. Anyway, maybe I'll have a better reply soon.

Later babe.

littlewing
Member Rara Avis

since 2003-03-02

Posts 9655
New York

7 posted 2003-07-17 12:25 PM

cmon Brian - I am waiting for you to rip apart my response *smile*

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

8 posted 2003-07-18 01:59 PM

I will require a kindred soul at hand
To share my vision of the grand sublime
Or clutch my shoulder, or my fingers twine
About her own--that once, in retrospect,
When she and I have found the quaking sand
Of our death-beds, we'll yet resound beyond our time

Fantastic ending. Love, but not your average sentimental tripe

wranx
Member Elite

since 2002-06-07

Posts 3689
Moved from a shack to a barn

9 posted 2003-07-23 01:40 AM

Good lord LP! This is STELLAR!

Competent, graceful, thoughtful....

Damn!

~wranx

Martie

Moderator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-09-21

Posts 28049
California

10 posted 2003-07-23 02:17 AM

Brian

what I would like to say?, your words touching me, with mind of keen insight, it's a beating of winged flight, competence, holding light.

brian sites
Senior Member

since 2002-06-25

Posts 1475
usa

11 posted 2003-07-23 12:39 PM

stunning

shaking head here
and snapping my crayons in half

awesome, Brian

Wind

Member Elite

since 2002-10-12

Posts 2981

12 posted 2003-07-23 07:32 PM

you have this amazing, almost classic style of writing. Usualy I lack patience for these long ones but I read the whole thing, and it is worth reading again

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

13 posted 2003-07-23 10:23 PM

Sue - Didn't mean to delay! You creative little creature, you. Well I love what you write in my wake. If you ever edit my compiled works then I hope you'll include your own little stanzas in italics to flank my own. Hehe... seriously, I'm glad that I could possibly inspire you with such feelings. That means a lot to me.

And yes, father love doth plainly smile. I never said he didn't. Thanks for the boosting comments...

Tima - Thanks! No need for elaboration, knowing you read and enjoyed and bumped my poem is enough for me.

Sven - Sure, I'll teach you sometime!  Maybe we could cross pens over an empty paper sometime and see what we turn out.

JM - Thanks as always for your uplifting comments, my girl... you're one of those whose judgement of my poetry is a standard all its own.  Glad to know I'm meeting that standard.  I sigh in relief.

Allysa - Pshaw... you're too kind.  I think Balladeer once said to me the greatest compliment a poet can recieve is having his work shared with a third party by the reader.  Now I know what he meant.  Thank you.

Raph - Average love?  Yuck, can't stand it.  Love is deep and intellectual, don't listen to the soap operas.

Ed - Stellar?  Haha... I haven't heard that word in a while.  Thanks for the high praise though, it means a lot to me, coming from someone who's not a regular reader of what I have to offer... just because I can tell you're being sincere.  Thanks very much for taking the time to read.

Martie - I'm glad if my words could possibly touch you.  You're one of the writers at this site whom I most admire, and that really means a lot to me... thanks...

Mr Sites - Snapping crayons in half eh?  That's the thing about crayons, they're never in "half," there's just more of them.  Know what I mean?  It's crayon mitosis.  Not like you would have used an entire crayon to begin with.  Uh, at least, I think I got your symbolism right?  Nevermind otherwise... thanks for reading me though, it means a lot to me.

Wind - I'm sorry for the length of my poetry.  I'm often told I should cut it down but see, I just don't feel satisfied writing something that's short.  Writing long poetry makes me feel like it's more of an accomplishment for having been done... ya know?  But it's reassuring to hear that I didn't bore you... glad I could keep your attention so well.  Coming from a brat like you that's quite flattering.

Again, thanks to all my devoted readers... mwa

A very swollen-headed Brian

Faith is a fine invention
When gentlemen can see
But microscopes are prudent
In an emergency.
~~~Emily Dickinson

LoveBug

Moderator

Member Elite

since 2000-01-08

Posts 4697

14 posted 2003-08-04 08:02 PM

Let your head burst then, Brian, for I am here with my reply. I'm sorry I'm late, but maybe I'd be better about replying to your stuff if you'd say "howdy" to me once in awhile! Bwah!

Anyway...

"I'd not revoke the gaze of Melancholy
But rather, hold her hand in mine, and wait
Her eyes, to hear her raving--it is best
To thus encase the glow of human folly
And nurture it with what a blameless gait
To turn 'round hearts who, deep within the breast
Of singleness of mind, cannot endure
The innocence of what is rightly pure."

Needless to say, this is a wonderful piece, perfect in structure, meter, esc.. all the Brian things. But it goes deeper than that, as it usually does. You touch the inner workings of those who love and lose.. well, thats how it seems to me (I'm usually wrong!!). A good piece is better with much depth, and I'm swimming all around in this. Wonderful, sir.

Oh, make me Thine forever
And should I fainting be
Lord, let me never ever
Outlive my love for Thee

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