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Cpat Hair
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Member Patricius
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793


0 posted 2003-06-02 09:30 AM



The rain slithered down my window,
Serpent that it was,
Constricting my movements
With its smothering coils of wind
Leaving me wrapped,
Entwined in thoughts that crushed
Fragile ribs surrounding
Even more delicate memories
Until I could not breathe
A single breath of you.


I’d cry
But even the tears
hissed at me

© Copyright 2003 Cpat Hair - All Rights Reserved
Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
1 posted 2003-06-02 12:31 PM


CPatHair~
I found this totally captivating~
*Huglets*
~*Marge*~


~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com

Midnitesun
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since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
2 posted 2003-06-02 12:43 PM


I'm sending you a rainbow
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

3 posted 2003-06-02 02:49 PM


and to top that off? Your cheer up buddy wants to beat her own uterus with a hammer!



I tell ya, some days it just doesn't pay to get up in the morning.

This is beautifully sad. Do you think you could write some equally lovely for MY condition?

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348
Florida
4 posted 2003-06-02 03:37 PM


"I’d cry
But even the tears
hissed at me"

Let me try to tell you what those lines provoked in the span of a millisecond...

I simultaneously sucked in my breath, jerked my head up a bit and visualized tears sliding down your face with little serpent heads on them......geez you are good!!! (Either that or I need therapy)

Susan C.

Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley
5 posted 2003-06-02 09:44 PM



There are no storms outside my window and still I cry. Sad one sir...

Duncan
Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455

6 posted 2003-06-02 10:25 PM


'Entwined in thoughts that crushed
Fragile ribs surrounding
Even more delicate memories
Until I could not breathe
A single breath of you.'

LOL @ Susan.  Ditto that and I think it's a bit of both...

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
7 posted 2003-06-03 09:31 AM



Yes, tears run that hot
that hiss at one's folly...

Excellent.

littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655
New York
8 posted 2003-06-04 08:59 AM


Ron:

this is brilliant - the tear shissing - I actually pictured hissing through sharp pointed teeth like a rapid feline . . .

I think I need therapy lol

brilliant writing
xxoo

Cpat Hair
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793

9 posted 2003-06-04 09:33 AM


thanks to all of you... for the time and the comments, you are all far too kind..
Now... as for the ones who say they need therapy or have questions as to whether they need therapy... LMAO.. join the crowd... take anumber and get in line.

sincerely..thank you all again.


Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg
10 posted 2003-06-05 11:42 AM


This is one of the ones that I managed to miss, so I'm sorry for the late reply.  But hey, you get a bump, so it's not all that bad is it?

This poem is a great example of the poetic imagination.  Looking at the storm inspires so many thoughts in you that it nearly brings you to tears, as you describe... but even the tears would hiss at you... what an interesting concept.  I think that I understand, though.  Crying is like opening up all the old wounds to bleed again.  If the storm would inspire such sorrow in you, actual tears would be infinitely worse, so you feel that you must hold it in...

You, my friend, have the soul of a poet.

Parasite

Poets are the unacknowledged legislators of the world.
~Percy Bysshe Shelley

Cpat Hair
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793

11 posted 2003-06-05 12:22 PM


Bri...if I have the soul of a poet I can only say it is too bad I do not have the skill set to go with it

thanks for the comments bud... they are noted and appreciated.


fractal007
Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958

12 posted 2003-06-08 07:12 PM


A beautifully constructed image describing another image, which inturn probably describes something still deeper.  You have created a multi-levelled metaphor to describe the speaker's distress in this poem.  

This is definitely one for my library - a jem for any lovers of metaphor out there!

2+2=5 for sufficiently large values of 2
--Smit
My Creations

aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member
since 2001-09-20
Posts 1448
Universal Mind
13 posted 2003-06-08 08:35 PM


I wish I write half as good as you do

Eliza Simmons
~Every girl has a dream within.
~Yesterday insult, today gain.

ESP
Member Elite
since 2000-01-25
Posts 2556
Floating gently on a cloud....
14 posted 2003-06-10 08:39 AM


'Entwined in thoughts that crushed
Fragile ribs surrounding
Even more delicate memories
Until I could not breathe
A single breath of you.'
----------------------

WOW!!! That's amazing, it's like something I've felt but never been able to express and this says it perfectly
luv, liz xxx

"Gorge the honey from life, and live through the stomach aches knowing they will pass..." ~Liz Pinard 2003~

Cpat Hair
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793

15 posted 2003-06-10 08:51 AM


thank you all..for the comments and nice thoughts... they are appreciated!

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium
16 posted 2003-06-10 05:49 PM


The storm strikes with its images here...

The write is captivating, my friend...

regards
sudhir

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