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Splendor in Deceit

knightlyshadows
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 791
obscured vision

0 posted 2003-01-30 03:21 AM

rip, t-e-a-r me apart
with your kind, gentle words.
break me down, like only you can do.

travel through my shadow-mind,
sip and dine on my closed eyes.
shelter me in a mist of lies,
wreck havoc on my fallen dreams.

kiss, l-o-v-e me, oh so tender
with your warm, harsh hands.
build me up, like you always do.

voyage in my tepid soul,
roam through my wasteland thoughts.
ravage me in a haze of deceit,
make me love you even as I hate.

(oi, this sucks. it's getting back to my lame writtings. *sigh*)

“A single choice can build destinies, or destroy them.”
"You can't fight the tears that aren't coming.."

[This message has been edited by knightlyshadows (01-30-2003 03:33 AM).]

Brad Majors

Member Elite

since 2001-04-03

Posts 2647
Georgia

1 posted 2003-01-30 01:10 PM

I really enjoyed this one!

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2003-01-30 03:15 PM

You didn't like this? I thought it was alright, but I think maybe your problem is that you use too much imperative. Maybe stand back and fill in the gaps with some description, metaphor, whatever most tickles you.

I still like this, but you're right that it could use improvement. Try to give each point a bit more substance. Each line in this poem could be its own stanza, if you really went nuts with it...

Brian

"Faith" means the will to avoid knowing what is true.
~ Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

3 posted 2003-02-02 05:04 AM

Interesting poem. It somewhat reminded me of the ocean and it's continuous tides coming in and out.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

Kellie_Cantrell
Senior Member

since 2002-05-22

Posts 1667
New York

4 posted 2003-02-02 12:05 PM

I really like the layout of the words. Very good poem!

(¨`·.·´¨) (¨`·.·´¨)
  ·.¸(¨`·.·´¨)¸.·´
     *`·.¸.·´*
    Love Always
       Kellie

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