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Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

0 posted 2003-01-12 12:31 PM

tin rain rolls off the white-lined clouds
the darkness shall overcome this unspeakable
prayers go unanswered from time to time
though i couldn't bother with anything like that
because wishing for a new life isn't possible
just convincing myself i am beautiful
my daddy always told me the moon made me gorgeous
i am beginning to wonder if that truth turned
from now until i am two i had promised
to be prime and proper
looks like promises can be kept
for two and a half minutes
as the sweat rolls off me now
pelting the floor with colored dents
i am reminded of the two feet of snow
that held me steady
from going to where i needed to be
when my daddy told me the moon made me beautiful

Morning mist clings to my face, and my soul opens up to you......

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2003-01-12 02:15 PM

This is the kind of writing that makes me envious of free-versers. Your descriptions are so outlandish and creative, Riley... you truly have talent. Very thought-provoking poem about the existence of promise, sincerity and the existence of truth.

Your choice of title is superb. This is one of the best I have read from you.

Parasite

"Faith" means the will to avoid knowing what is true.
~ Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

2 posted 2003-01-12 02:26 PM

Brian: This is the first thing I have written in about a month, so yea....I don't exactly know what I was going for...but I was watching something about a mother and daughter and decided to try daddy and daughter thing, just because dad's never get a second look when it comes to daughters, its always dad and son or mom and daughter. But anywho, thanks a lot for replying....

Riley

Morning mist clings to my face, and my soul opens up to you......

knightlyshadows
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 791
obscured vision

3 posted 2003-01-12 04:06 PM

I haven't read anything from you in the longest time, Riley. I'm glad I found this. I envy you're ability at free verse. It's one of my favourite ways to write, but I can't seem to pull it off anymore. (if I ever did ;p ) One of the main things I did like about this, though, is the fact that you /did/ use the father and daughter bit. You don't see that often.

I really enjoyed these two parts:

quote:
my daddy always told me the moon made me gorgeous...
...from now until i am two i had promised
to be prime and proper
looks like promises can be kept
for two and a half minutes

Loved how you tied it together with the ending and the italics added a nice touch to that line. ^^ Great write Riley. Hope to see you writing more again.
-tiff-

“A single choice can build destinies, or destroy them.”

..You can't fight the tears that aren't coming..

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