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Old Woman Challenge
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Old Woman Challenge |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
 ***Old woman She’s looking out a window Waiting for someone? There’s a hankie in her hand She looks sad Maybe she’s been crying She’s wearing black, Could be a day of a funeral? No wedding ring – No husband? No indentation Must be a spinster Ok.. Poem: He’ll never come up the front walk again Never ring the bell He’ll never call out “time for the buffet” never tell her she still looks ‘swell’ they were best friends forever grew up on the same block she took care of his children and held his hand during his widower’s shock then he married another she smiled at his happy face and still she waited to tell him she loved him with all her grace they knew each other for 70 years and never once could she bring herself to tell him that she loved him in a way more than a brother more than she could say today she said the words aloud as she sat in the family pew they buried the only man she’d ever loved == Ok..it needs more flow She stares at the front walk Knowing he’ll never walk that way Never ring the bell He’ll never call out “time for the get away” never tell her it’s Seniors Tuesday at the local ‘Country Buffet’ Never tell her she’s looking good Better than when they were young Never hold her hand for support Never make her smile With his sassy tongue they were best friends forever grew up on the same block she took care of his children and held his hand during his widower’s shock then he married another she smiled at his happy face and still she waited to tell him she loved him with all her grace they knew each other for 70 years she loved him with all her heart but never could she say the words the role of friend was her part today she told him she loved him as she sat in the family pew today they buried the only man her heart’s love ever knew *** I'm not sure I'm done with this yet, but I wanted to let you know what I was looking for with this challenge.  [This message has been edited by Poet deVine (01-10-2003 10:58 PM).] |
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knightlyshadows Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791obscured vision |
:/ that's so sad.. and i love that picture. did you get it off the net, or is it a real pic of yours? quote: I liked your last version of it better, though they were all good. I loved seeing your steps of writting.  It's interesting to see how another poet writes.“A single choice can build destinies, or destroy them.” |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
The picture is from a software graphics program. Looking at the picture and taking note of what's in it is one way to write a poem..another is association with our own memories. I could relate this to my grandma but since there was no wedding ring I thought she was a spinster. |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
(edit in - by "the first one," I mean everything after "poem:". Just to clarify.) You were wrong when you said "needs more flow." The first one had cadence, the uneven lines didn't require any regulation really because the rhyme was enough to bring them together and give them a connective flow. It's more spoken than your revision beneath it, which is what I think is more appropriate to the poem's content. I found the first one more touching than the second, probably because of that spoken flow. Think I might take you up on this challenge. Sharpening my pencil. Parasite "Faith" means the will to avoid knowing what is true. ~ Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche [This message has been edited by Local Parasite (01-12-2003 02:21 PM).] |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
So I shouldn't 'edit' my poetry? The first write was just that...I wrote it pretty much without thinking. Then I went back and read it and changed it to the second one. Am I second guessing myself too much? |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
You just might be. Usually I'd agree with the edit, but like I said, I just happened to prefer the spoken flow of the first one. Try not to think of flow as something that's either good or bad... think of how appropriate it is to the poem. For example, if you wrote this as a limerick, it would certainly devastate the tone, even if it had enhanced flow. Flow is key to tone. Parasite |
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