salt water and ice cream cake

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quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

0 posted 2002-12-10 07:11 PM

Amber lights
adding worry and anguish
to this sordid tale.
The city lights flicker as
people hurry by
and I watch.
Perched,
from my sill far above.

Lying in these false claims
of simplicity
and happiness.
What have I done now?
Anger beats
this melody
and sadness tunes
the mind.
My head hurts and still
she sits.
Happy birthday girl,
how can I hurt you more?

[[[i have a feeling this needs more work. but i'm just lazy.]]]

/jen/

'i don't care if it hurts, i want to have control. i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul.' [radiohead]

[This message has been edited by quietlydying (12-10-2002 07:15 PM).]

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

1 posted 2002-12-10 07:25 PM

lots of emotion in here... thanks for the glimpse

[This message has been edited by Cpat Hair (12-11-2002 09:11 AM).]

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-12-11 12:47 PM

Hmm, I like Ron's revision, but I think it's mostly a revision of style and not of quality. I doubt you are seeking a change in style so I'll applaud Ron's effort and look at the poem myself...

quote:
Amber lights
adding worry and anguish
to this sordid tale.
The city lights flicker as
people hurry by
and I watch.
Perched,
from my sill far above.

I especially like the italics on "perched." It brings it to attention, which the isolation of it (linewise) already does. You use a lot of nouns that seem kind of plain, like "people" and "anguish." An adjective or two would really spice up this stanza.

quote:
Lying in these false claims
of simplicity
and happiness.

That's a sentence fragment. I would rephrase it.

quote:
What have I done now?
Anger beats
this melody
and sadness tunes
the mind.
My head hurts and still
she sits.
Happy birthday girl,
how can I hurt you more?

You have a double-meaning of the word "still." Maybe make it a bit more evident, not the same way you brought out "perched," but somehow? I'd like to see it a bit more noticable.

Still love this poem. All of your poetry matches your username -- acknowledgement without retaliation. Quiet death.

And it's whispered beneath every verse you compose.

Waiting on your next,

Brian

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
~Aldous Huxley

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

3 posted 2002-12-19 01:33 PM

The only thing I could say against this is the ending seems a bit pat. It's more a blanket covering a larger issue than the magnifying glass right at the place of discontent.

Still, always enjoy your writing. Even when it's "weaker."

Mike

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

4 posted 2002-12-29 10:50 PM

I'm not going to analyse this one, simply because there are too many things to say about it. The sadness and frustration is there...I can feel it.

Keep writing chica.

Are you scared? BOO! Are you now?

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

5 posted 2003-01-02 04:57 AM

This does need a bit of work yes. The first stanza I could easily understand. But the second one was rather baffling. You went on to describe a series of emotions and ideas after talking about concrete objects and scenarios. The birthday girl seemed wierd too. Is she you or is she someone you know, or perhaps a customer?

However, I kinda liked your little device at the beginning of the second stanza:

Lying in these false claims
of simplicity
and happiness.

This carries a bit of double meaning, I think.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

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