»
Sanctuary
»
Poetic Haven
»
My everything
| Poetic Haven |
|
My everything |
|
|
Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
Taste the ardor in my blood as I spill it for you. Do you still not understand? You are my all, my everything. Take my virtue and submission. What should you do with them? Why, anything - you are my all, my everything. Hear my silent screams, my agony at your betrayal. Do you still not understand? You are my all, my everything. |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Jeremiah Leonard - All Rights Reserved | |||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
You have to complete this, Kielo. Trust me, when you start a repeated theme, and end it on the third stanza, it leaves people hanging. At least deviate from it momentarily in order to add a bit of conclusiveness in the ending, either by adding a twist at the ending itself or shifting away from the theme and returning to it in the end. Otherwise this just seems to fall short of its goal. Just my opinion. Parasite Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. |
||
Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Keilo... does leave me hanging ..wanting to know or at least have a hint of some resolution. I understand well the actual situation may not be resolved..making it harder to write one. I like what you have here..it is painful..but it is honest pain, well expressed. if it is real... hugs to you.. |
||
|
serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I rather like the ending hanging like that--it effectively conveys that SHE is left hanging, and leaves the reader with that same feeling of frustration. (sorry, Ki--didn't mean to talk about you like you weren't here, but then, you are probably NOT here, huh?) I liked this bunches.  |
||
|
Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
*grin* Yes, it is supposed to be left hanging. The speaker is stuck being loyal to this person who is using him/her. If it frustrates you, good. It frustrates me too. I'm not in a situation like this now, but I have been, and I probably will be again. Thanks for the hugs. Serenity? No, I was not here. I stayed up far too late for that. I'm still half-asleep.  They made me get up to take my sister to school. (I have a day off). YAYNESS! AND TERM ONE IS OVER! Sorry, just had to let that out. My stressing is over! Thank you all for the replies.  Kielo I'm making my own country, and calling it Nothing. "We're our own country, and Nothing will save us now!" |
||
bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
How did I miss this before? Love the ache, and the resolve. |
||
|
Yu Lan Senior Member
since 2000-04-13
Posts 1462New Zealand |
ouuuch. I love it.. One question though - I don't understand one word.. You write: "Take my virtue and submission".. what is 'submission' referring to? I hope that's not a thick question! ^_^ Love, Lynne It's nice to share - kiss someone when you have a cold. |
||
|
Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
Thank you all. The speaker's tendency to go out of her way to do things for other people, and obeying people. Kielo I know only one thing, and that thing is that I know nothing. [This message has been edited by Kielo (01-07-2003 08:20 PM).] |
||
|
Nancy Hardin Member
since 2009-12-02
Posts 58Nevada, United States of America |
Oh Lord! I've been there in my long life, (maybe several times!)the unspeakable piercing anguish of being betrayed. You expressed that so well, and I think the end was just right! |
||
|
suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
It amazes me that I've been around here so long and still manage to miss so much. *S* I really like this... know this. *S* |
||
|
Brian James Member
since 2005-06-26
Posts 147Winnipeg |
This is quite good. And whoever said the ending needs to be changed doesn't know what he's talking about. It's perfect. "To me, the thing that art does for life is to clean it, to strip it to form." |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
