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Ice Lidded Awakening - a work in progress - a poet in transition
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Ice Lidded Awakening - a work in progress - a poet in transition |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Trees dressed in creak Glittering in morning sun Ice lidded awakening A new day has begun Rain not snow the painter Of morning slippery serene A gasp of pleasure, a smile At December morning scene Two months from today We’ll moan ‘when will it end’ But today, in twinkle glow We marvel at winter’s portend *** Ok...Cpat Hair gave me the phrase 'ice lidded awakening'...I wanted to write about an ice storm - they were in the news last week and I do remember them from living in Michigan. I have the hardest time writing about nature - probably because nature doesn't 'feel'...doesn't have emotions (or does it?). Any suggestions? I'm open to anything. |
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Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
 You are right, nature is harder to write than other things, but I found nothing wrong with this. 'Twas wonderful. Kielo According to statistics, a man eats a prune every twenty seconds. I don't know who this fellow is, but I know where to find him. |
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wranx Member Elite
since 2002-06-07
Posts 3689Moved from a shack to a barn |
Nature does have emotion, Sharon A storm can glower in its' anger. See it bluster in frustration, howl in its' fury. Hear the stream sing in its' own contentment. Yanno? Glad to see these words. Triolet? why yes. For my part, anyway. Ed |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
(chuckling) HOW can you say nature does not feel? Have you never heard the river sing or the trees sigh? Your version in rhyme and form... nicely done, but why not show me how it feels as well? A free verse perhaps, leaving the realm of rhyme behind and stretching yourself to add the emotions or a memory it brings back. Michigan you say... so what did thinking about it bring to mind? funny,sad,painful...???? I like this.... but think you can do better by adding depth to it..don't just report it to me make me see it and feel it...make me feel the cold or the awe or the dread of longer still winter... (smiling) you should have never asked... (laughing) |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Kielo... why is nature hard to write about? I have always found the weather..and nature to be easy metaphors for so many things human...one needs only watch and observe the things around them and think how they are like or might illustrate something inside you... I am curious why you think it hard to write...and I am not being mean or picking on you...just would like to know... |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Wranx - isn't a triolet an outhouse with three holes? LOL Ok..Ok..I will work on this...I guess I should say that I'm not good at describing things..my prose is more about conversations than description of the surrounding area. (a shameless ploy to get someone to read my prose!) |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
then write it as a conversation...  Daybreak kissed open mouthed the memories of other days as the sun blinked in ice lidded awakening to greet trees whispering creak from thick rain too cold to run off suspended limbs reaching up for salvation Beauty in glistening reflected hues, rose to diamond, blinds minds eye to the longer nights filled with freezing heave and the struggle to keep fires burning since you've been gone [This message has been edited by Cpat Hair (11-26-2002 10:10 AM).] |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
hands on hips.. "AN OUTHOUSE WITH THREE HOLES?" some people just grow up spoiled I guess--  and I'll talk to you about the rest of your views on nature later, you!  |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Poet DeVine - I like this, but I agree that it cries out for a more extensive description... I myself have trouble with description sometimes, but there are tricks to get around it. First - Explore all of the sensual realms and appeal to as many of them as possible. Talk about the sounds and smells, the feeling, the temperature, etc. Second - be specific. Try to capture the exact specifics. Not just the colours -- the exact colours; not just the scents -- the exact scents. Third - creative vocab is good, but is nowhere near as effective as comparisons. Appeal to things that exist. People have various definitions for words, and let's face it, some of us don't even know what a lot of words mean. Comparitive techniques like metaphor and similie help to avoid connotational issues, and keep your message clear. These are things I try to keep at the front of my mind when writing. Consider it general advice, and NOT personal critique. Okay? Okay.As for your poem... other than what's been said about enhancing the imagery a bit more... I like it quite a bit. It's good to know that at least one of the touchy-feely poets out there are willing to dip into a little bit of mimetic poetry once in a while. Parasite Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. |
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Paul Wilson
since 2002-07-07
Posts 4711United States |
Poet deVine~ The rage of natures storms and the softness of its touch during a lovely snow fall & the continuing life it gives each Spring should be a challenge to write about, but I know you can describe it better than I...Paul [This message has been edited by Paul Wilson (11-26-2002 09:46 PM).] |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Trees dressed in creak Glittering in morning sun Ice lidded awakening A new day has begun winter rains kiss gnarled oak dressing them in glitter's creak morning sighs with ice lidded awakening How's that? (am I a touchy feely poet?) |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
I don't like it. I'm going to keep working on it..thanks for your input guys...I'll be BACK!! |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
nice start Ms Devine... I wouldn't scrap the whole of what you began with but instead tweak it. (smiling) Something tells me you will end up with something to make us all go WOW.... wish I had written that! |
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Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
Probably because I find description far more difficult than emotional description. I can't analyze and re-analyze the appearance of a tree, but I analyze emotions and situations as long as they still bother me... (anywhere from a week to a year, to years) I can, but it takes a lot more work. I think. Let me analyze the question, and I'll get back to you. heh... Kielo According to statistics, a man eats a prune every twenty seconds. I don't know who this fellow is, but I know where to find him. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Keilo... perhaps the idea of spending hours analyzing a tree is the wrong approach. Just observe..and by that I mean really see the things around you and store them away. Ever notice how the shade under a tree in the summertime can look the same as sunlight through lace curtains? or how a thunderstorm building on the hozon can make you feel a bit apprehensive, or excited? or how when it snows the world grows quieter and the sounds you hear are changed? all those things can be and have been used in poetry to explain or illustrate emotions... describing a thunderstorm is a good excersize if you want ot practice.... |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
winter rains kiss gnarled oak dressing them in glitter's creak morning sighs with ice lidded awakening December sleep Time will come When this scene Is old to eyes and heart Wishing for spring And greenery We long for something new But today in fresh Winter eyes We marvel at crystal covered winter’s portend *** This feels clunky to me...I'm just not getting it!!! Sigh. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
you are getting closer... but it still is distant and does not tell me why it will get old or feel old...nor why today it is beautiful.. ( smiling) This I do like..and like it better than the others... make me feel it now... make me relate it to something I have experienced.. put some of "you" in it...and let the reader take out of it some of themselves. You are still reporting to some degree, but a few steps closer to showing than you were... |
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