On Winter Day (tormented love, triumphant hate)

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Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

0 posted 2002-11-29 02:49 PM

(completely unedited. fifteen minutes worth of spontaneous writing. enjoy.)

It is a land of colour freeze
It is a room of grey
In wistful woe, upon my knees
I weep on winter day.

As I am young, I faint believe
The madness that I see
That all this life be left to grieve
It is a shame to me.

For poets all have once embrac'd
And bit the fruit of spring
But, beautiful as it may taste,
It is a brittle thing.

The fields, all gemmed and honey-flower'd
Living hues diverse
Of all these things to be devour'd
The air is wilted first.

Those trees that once had stood and clapt
Arrival of the winds
Reduced to chill, that they are snapt
Each time this blow rescinds.

The harbingers of summer scorn
come spitting from the sky
The sun is gone, its children born
And coldly left to die.

The shoots of grass, no more to dance
Or spread their fruitful breath
Now shrivell'd in a wary stance
They hear the chime of death.

I know not why the sweet and shrill
Be rendered terse and bitter
To lay, their bodies ever still
Their caskets all a-glitter.

I feel not why such blanched vice
Could shame the spring's accost
My sympathy is trapt by ice
In frame of winter's frost.

It is the sky's neutrality
that leaves my senses numb'd
Those harps of immortality
Were ne'er so smugly strumm'd.

The snow and sickles fornicate
To ward the warm away
Tormented love, triumphant hate
travers'd the land to-day.

Kielo
Senior Member

since 2002-02-11

Posts 1109

1 posted 2002-11-29 03:24 PM

Wow... I'm very impressed. Your imagery is wonderful, and I thoroughly enjoyed the poem.

Well done. (And you said you couldn't write spontaneously...)

Kielo

I'm making my own country, and calling it Nothing. "We're our own country, and Nothing will save us now!"

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

2 posted 2002-11-29 03:53 PM

I like the first stanza, question: if you cried on a winter day wouldn't your tears freeze? LOL, anyway back to the poem....I loved the imaginary in this...only 15 minutes...wow...thats great brian.. ** scans critique message ** me interperate? um....take a rain check shall try later....

Anyway, now I am rambling....O yea...and I did actually like the rhyming ( and rarely do I like that )

Riley

Morning mist clings to my face, and my soul opens up to you......

Poet deVine

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-26

Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley

3 posted 2002-11-29 04:31 PM

Hey! You did a good job in 15 minutes. This has a 'lyric' rhythm to it.

Why did you want to use this rhyme scheme and not a blank or free verse?

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

4 posted 2002-11-29 04:32 PM

I dunno PDV, I guess I'm just in a ballad mood... I write a lot faster with ballads than normally, for some reason. I dunno.

thanks for the read, everyone.

Kielo
Senior Member

since 2002-02-11

Posts 1109

5 posted 2002-11-29 05:50 PM

Never mind. That was an inane comment. Sorry.

[This message has been edited by Kielo (11-29-2002 05:51 PM).]

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

6 posted 2002-11-29 09:54 PM

Your style is so classical...

curious? who are your poet heroes?

and? when are ya gonna teach me METER? huh???

This seemed to pour out of you easily. It read that way too. Honey smooth hot toddy with a little bite.

Just the way I like it.

LoveBug

Moderator

Member Elite

since 2000-01-08

Posts 4697

7 posted 2002-11-30 04:11 PM

This is a beautiful piece... I love your attitude in it and how you express it... especially how you compare the death of love to the death of the things around us in the winter. Great imagery.. good work!

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

8 posted 2002-12-02 01:43 PM

Serenity - my poet heroes? Well there are a few. Lately I've been into the romantics of the early 1800s... I love the depth and emotion of Wordsworth, for example... but at times I prefer the creative obscurity of Coleridge, or the sensory appeal of Keats... ya know... those guys.

Lots of great stuff. As for ballads, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner is still the best I've ever read.

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