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brian sites
Senior Member
since 2002-06-25
Posts 1475
usa

0 posted 2002-11-25 02:01 AM


I ground the maze
for lost
and lonely bread
and I wrapped my shades
around the things
she said
I drank my whine
with elegant
dismay
and she hurled my time
at things
I wouldn't say

I break the sod
for a home
within the sky
we create the god
for things
that we would cry
I scan the road
with a glint
of fast dream
and I pay what's owed
with the red things
I scream

© Copyright 2002 brian sites - All Rights Reserved
Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg
1 posted 2002-11-25 03:12 AM


I'm going to make a weird comment, okay?  Sometimes I see a person's poetry in their choice of icon.  Yours for example... an overlook of the city at night.  When everything is asleep, everything is still.  You stand back and take a picture of it all.

This poem stands above the city, looks down at it, and paints what it sees.  It sees people.  But what it paints is the human soul...

Terrific work.  I love it.

Parasite

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
~Aldous Huxley

bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855

2 posted 2002-11-25 12:24 PM


I just need to say that "I ground the maze" is the best opening line/sorta pun ever!

Thank you. :bows:

Mike

brian sites
Senior Member
since 2002-06-25
Posts 1475
usa
3 posted 2002-11-25 02:47 PM


damn LP....
thank you  
but to tell you the truth?
I didn't like this one very much
got tired of working on it
and just posted it
but you honor me..thanks again

Mike?
no, hardly the best
that distinction, I think
would be found in one of yours
but thank you friend

Cpat Hair
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793

4 posted 2002-11-26 09:47 AM


an interesting write Brian... I too like the opening and find myself torn between giants grinding my bones to bake their bread and images of hand grinding maze... both of which feed into the rest of the poem depending on how it is taken by the reader...

I understand your not being satidfied with it... for as good as it is it lacks something..but darned if I know what.

it is good..and I did enjoy...

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

5 posted 2002-11-26 10:25 AM


I tend to be partial to the second stanza...

and I agree that there is a certain element amiss here. Perhaps another verse bridging the two ideas, so that it's not quite such a leap?

I would like to see how one gets from there to here...

quietlydying
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz
6 posted 2002-12-02 01:58 AM


brian, do you see anything in my icon?

hahaha.

'I drank my whine'

was this deliberate?  if so, i like it!  

very tart.  enjoyed it muchly.

/jen/

i'm so bitterly disappointed.  betty, i think it's time you leave now.

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