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Longing...
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Longing... |
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Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
Longing… love is like water. Nourishing, revitalizing, life-giving. Water is life. Longing… love is acceptance, love is touch. Love is time and speech and devotion. Yes, love is devotion. Longing… Devotion is undying, devotion is sacrificial. Devotion is honourable and true and right. Devotion is love. Longing… Love is acceptance, love is touch. Love is time and speech, and love is her water. Love is her life, and the longing for it consumes her like fire. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Jeremiah Leonard - All Rights Reserved | |||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Okay Kielo... in Family Dialogue you mentioned that you were interested in getting into this place, so I guess you know the way it works. We're all driven by our desire to grow in poetry... so if I get a little critical of you, it's not because I dislike your work. Let me start by saying I haven't seen a poem like this one in quite a long time, which really is a shame. You know, the style of connecting a word directly to another word, and webbing them so that a whole network of words are given some kind of unique relationship. First of all, you're going to be expecting this of course, but I love your use of "longing..." as a crown to every stanza. Ellipsis gets abused far too often, and you've shown how it's supposed to be done - to create a thoughtful pause in the writing flow. Anybody who reads this seriously gets that break in the flow happening. Gives just enough time for them to remember and conemplate the importance of the repeated word, instead of just being desensitized by it. I have to say that you had a lot of stability in the first stanza, and then you broke it up by bringing something entirely new into play with the idea of water being life. Call me picky, because I am, but I would rather see that last line set apart from the rest of the stanza. It brings up an entirely new point, describing water's role instead of persisting with the comparison of water to love... And at the end, your very last few words were the similie. I find it generally ineffective to end a poem with the similie itself. You could have rephrased it so that the last few words to dangle on the reader's tongue were what was being similized (is that a word?), rather than the similie itself... you know, here's what I have in mind... and the longing for it consumes her like fire. could be... and like fire, the longing for it consumes her. So you begin with the idea of fire, and end the note on the complete thought, instead of making your final thought and adding a similie to enhance it afterwards. Hey, just my opinion of course. What do I know?  Parasite Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. ~Aldous Huxley [This message has been edited by Local Parasite (11-23-2002 03:33 AM).] |
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Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
I read, understood, and am prepared to take whatever comes my way.  Thank you very much for your reply. I'm sure you're right on both counts. I'll remember that for next time. Thank you. *mutters while falling asleep on keys* Don't end with simile. Keep separate thoughts separate... Kielo [This message has been edited by Kielo (11-23-2002 02:53 AM).] |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
A nice figure eight of love and loyalty here. I thought the first "Longing..." seemed to halt the poem a bit, but then I realized what you were trying to do with it. I don't know the answer, and yes, this poem is imperfect, but so is everyone's, and I love how this made me think and engage in run-on sentences and comma splices.Mike |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Yes Kielo, I didn't intend for you to revise it here and now. I personally rarely change my poetry when suggestions are made on it, I just keep them in mind for future postings. Thanks for regarding my comments. Parasite Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
I wanted this one to crest the waves again, so, here. |
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