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bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

0 posted 2002-06-21 07:45 PM

The sheets are crumpled as the sky.
Cloud shadows travel to her feet.
I trace the imprint on the bed
with hands that touch not her, but me.

She is weeks into the past.
I want her to be my today.
Can't see myself against her sun.
Can't see her shadow in my rain.

The storm is falling on the roof.
I listen to the words as sound.
The sky is blackly crystal cracked.
I just wish you were around.

She said burn ... together.
-TON

Poet deVine

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-26

Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley

1 posted 2002-06-21 07:49 PM

Oh this is cool!!! Good imagery sir.

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

2 posted 2002-06-21 07:50 PM

ah to be so in love...hey what am I talkin' about..I felt this through and through

good one *s
M

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

3 posted 2002-06-21 07:52 PM

DANG Your Good!

~Somewhere in my heart I'm always
dancing with you in the summer rain~

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

4 posted 2002-06-21 07:52 PM

Glad you all enjoy my syrup.

She said burn ... together.
-TON

[This message has been edited by bsquirrel (06-21-2002 07:53 PM).]

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

5 posted 2002-06-22 12:26 PM

BRAVO!!! Oh Michael, this is heartwrenchingly wonderful, sweet friend, your sentiments always are glitter in your words, I love it, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Michael, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

Yu Lan
Senior Member

since 2000-04-13

Posts 1462
New Zealand

6 posted 2002-06-30 08:27 AM

gonna cry..

-Lynne

It's nice to share - kiss someone when you have a cold.

Yu Lan
Senior Member

since 2000-04-13

Posts 1462
New Zealand

7 posted 2002-06-30 08:33 AM

I know you don't 'encourage critiques', but one thing I'd say about this poem is that you have a lot of different persons and tenses (eg. "I want her to be.. " and "I just wish you were around" then the title "She is today" and the lines
"She is weeks into the past.
I want her to be my today.") Yep, just a thought, it perhaps is a lsight distraction, that's all..

Sorry if you didn't want me to say this!!

Love,
- Lynne

It's nice to share - kiss someone when you have a cold.

[This message has been edited by Yu Lan (06-30-2002 08:34 AM).]

JP
Senior Member

since 1999-05-25

Posts 1343
Loomis, CA

8 posted 2002-06-30 03:48 PM

"Blackly crystal cracked" Fabulous! Bravisimo!

Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn.
Nil Desperandum, Fata viem invenient

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

9 posted 2002-07-01 01:20 AM

Yu Lan,
Such is the problem with doing verse off the top of your head.

Glad y' enjoyed.

Signed,
th' tense wrecker!

These smiling eyes are just a mirror for the sun.
-RHCP

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