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Open Poetry #17
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Solstice Greet
| Open Poetry #17 |
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Solstice Greet |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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tonight I dance-- skip-kick, bass-drum beat. Kicking sand into the fire, tonight my feet will own the street a sacrifice to joyful noise no more tears for "only ones" no regrets for things undone-- tonight I'm kissin' ALL the boys... In darkness I rejoice the sun. tonight I grasp the moon; and hold her up to light the night a trophy--held aloft to sky-- a crescent grin--a silver spoon. tomorrow too, a feast begins in preparation. In greet of dark, I strike a spark... tonight begins the celebration. trimming wick... A yule log from the oak-- where yesterdays are shadow's play and all my fears go up in smoke. three day's journey--happiness... acknowledgement of "the change"-- knowing nothing stays the same-- as even death prepares for life. embracing of return of light nothing's wasted--no laments. Tonight I learn to dance again. with bells on feet. the solstice greet. |
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| © Copyright 2001 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Opeth Senior Member
since 2001-12-13
Posts 1543The Ravines |
Today is the 21st, how appropriate. I am not sure what I enjoyed more, your rhyming scheme or your words - I'll call it a draw. Well done. |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Serenity~ Oh .. WOW ! There is NOTHING I don't like about this one~ Wahoo, gal~ 'This night I wave my cares goodbye-- tonight I grasp the moon; and hold her up to light the night a trophy--held aloft to sky-- a crescent grin--a silver spoon.' You go gal .. I hear those bells jingling~ Happy Holidays, my friend~ *Hugs* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Is it solstice already? I have a pagan friend, I should get her something nice...  The winter solstice, what a time of the year...Throughout, your poem was quite cheerful, seemed unusual for you (don't take that the wrong way, LOL)... it's not like most of the stuff I read in here of yours. But hey, I know... whenever I have to write cheerfully, I completely need to revise my style. Although your style isn't absent, it's taken a bit of a twist here... In your first stanza, I like the internal rhyming and use of hyphenated words... makes a kind of playful flow that isn't fluid, but just chaotic enough to make it seem childlike and excited. In the second stanza I start seeing the repetition of the word "tonight" as the first word of a line. I see you doing that a lot, further into the poem. This can be a good idea, but it can also make some of the poem feel redundant if you're not careful with it. I don't think you overkilled it, but I did notice that it sounded a little overdone. I might just be over-critical though (which is probably it). I also like the last line of that stanza, very cool stuff, Serenity. Good use of irony, and it fits perfectly with the theme of the poem. Now I can see what most of the next stanza is saying, and I like the metaphors, but one of them didn't seem to fit into it for me... "a silver spoon." Could you explain what you meant by this maybe? Or were you just going for a "moon" rhyme, and had to be a bit more vague? Which is fine, I mean, we all have to work with a rhyme sometimes and it's difficult to think of a really decent metaphor to squeeze in there...  I still don't see how it fits though, but if you have an answer for me, feel free to shoot me down.This next stanza is my favourite, definitely. I like the syllable organization first off, how the last line was longer than the other long line. That was neat for some reason... just flowed nicely. "Yesterdays are shadow's play." I love that part... really, really cool way of putting it.  The only thing I want to comment on in the third-last stanza is "embracing of return of light." I don't know if this was done on purpose, but "of" twice so closely in succession didn't do a thing for me but muck up the flow and sound of it. Just my opinion of course... I like how you ended this, very much. Two quick two-liners, not one, two. Great way to close up the poem, a simple and isolated thought, and the literal message of the poem following. Very cool. Have a merry solstice, Serenity.  ~Allan [This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (12-21-2001 12:12 PM).] |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Opeth...I thank you for your kind observations...I am enjoying your work as well. So, gracias! Marge, hugs, time to "dance the twinkling" again. I know you will! Allan, I agree that this needs some work. I forgot to mention that this is a repost in honor of the occasion...I tossed this one of too quickly last year. I too have difficulty with the "embracing" line....I'll be working on it...look for the latest version next year? OH...before I forget, the silver spoon is a symbolic representation of the feminine---silver being symbolic of that and the spoon is a receptacle. I thank you for not going for the obvious symbolism of "drugs" which was not my intention. Thank you again for taking so much time for me! And now I REALLY SHOULD get off of this thing and get busy! Hugs all! |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
This night I wave my cares goodbye-- tonight I grasp the moon; and hold her up to light the night a trophy--held aloft to sky-- a crescent grin--a silver spoon. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My party now is to commence-- three day's journey--happiness... acknowledgement of "the change"-- knowing nothing stays the same-- as even death prepares for life. embracing of return of light nothing's wasted--no laments. Tonight I learn to dance again. Tonight I dance with bells on feet. Tonight begins the solstice greet. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ OH Karen!!! OH Karen....sorry, that was what I was repeating like a mantra as I read this oh so cool poem! Oh, how I wish to be there with you to dance with bells on my feet...but, dance I will with my tambourine! *Happy Solstice* ~Hugs, Nancy~ *~ Wishing you all a magical Christmas ~* |
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Glenn Logan Member
since 2001-10-10
Posts 111Virginia |
Excellent! I liked this a lot, even accepting most of the "strange" word uses such as "rejoice the sun." But I found the phrase "In greet of dark" a tad too odd, and the reference to trimming candle wicks strange in a poem that has no other indication that the dancer is dancing in another age. Contrary to some commentators, though, I did not find the poem a simple expression of joy; there is more than a hint of darkness here, and properly so. Well done! Glenn Logan |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thank you, Glenn....I agree, the vocabulary seems odd at times...but is a love of opposites that draws me to that choice. Oh, and since you asked (okay maybe you didn't, but I'm gonna go there anyway) trimming the wick of the candle is a symbolic preparation of rites...a spiritual expression of "trimming" personal excess...that's all!-- but glad you enjoyed and happy to you popped in to say so... JOY. And now somebody stop me...hello? I must be going!!! grin? [This message has been edited by serenity (12-21-2001 05:05 PM).] |
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SmittenKitten Senior Member
since 2001-06-20
Posts 1131where the sky and horizon meet |
Wooo! There's so much energy in this poem! I love it! I wanna join you! I'll have to get you to tell me a bit more about this occasion next time we talk Hugs, ~Krista Your beautiful words & creativity allow me to connect with the same in myself. |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
yep. . . I remember this one. . . and yes, it's that time again. . . Solstice. . . Yule. . . isn't it funny how "yule" has become part of the "Christmas vernacular" (ie. "Cool Yule" and the ever popular "Yule love the savings we have for you at fill in name of store here) but, that if you asked most people what Yule was. . . they'd have no idea?? LOL sorry. . . I'm babbling. . . LOL. . . love it serenity. . . hope that it's a wonderful Solstice for you. . . you know that I'll be there!!! -------------------------------------------------------- To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world. |
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Greeneyes 
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind |
knowing nothing stays the same-- as even death prepares for life. embracing of return of light nothing's wasted--no laments. Tonight I learn to dance again"" ~~ I need to learn to dance again, this is stunning.... Lauren~ Tomorrow's another day and I'm thirsty any way so bring on the rain [This message has been edited by Greeneyes (12-23-2001 12:07 AM).] |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Solstice fun no midnitesun this time of year but have no fear I'll have fun here I walked my dog out into the night no moose or wolves could give us fright for the solstice means the minutes of night turn around now, we shall have more light.  We gain another minute of light tonight. Whoo hoo!It's our Mother, Nature hard at work. |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Will you be kissing all the boys...or just All the boys in New Orleans? James |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
Wow! I feel all pumped up just reading your words Serenity! Sounds like an incredible time for you, and a wonderful glimpse into your celebration ... very much enjoyed! Best wishes, /Kit |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Oh yeah - Happy Feet... for the shortest day of the year.. There's a good attitude... |
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OLIAS Senior Member
since 2000-06-20
Posts 1090Pearl city Iowa |
Boogie on Serene one, I liked. Regards, Olias. |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
"Tonight I dance with bells on feet" Makes me want to dance. nice one. strbbux |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
Tonight is mine tomorrow too, a feast begins in preparation. In greet of dark, I strike a spark... tonight begins the celebration. Counting candles, trimming wick... A yule log from the oak-- where yesterdays are shadow's play and all my fears go up in smoke. My party now is to commence-- three day's journey--happiness... acknowledgement of "the change"-- knowing nothing stays the same-- as even death prepares for life. embracing of return of light nothing's wasted--no laments. Tonight I learn to dance again. Tonight I dance with bells on feet. Tonight begins the solstice greet."  BRAVO!!! Oh my gosh, you describe the essence and beauty of the solstice sooooo beautifully in your words, may we all use this time to rid of our regrets and make a change with hope, a resolution! (smiles) Soooooo beautiful, sweet friend, we all love you so very much! Have the happiest holidays, sweet friend! (kiss on cheek) You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Karen, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
I've got a yule log, can I come too? Love the 'spirit' in your poem serenity. Makes me smile!  |
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Logan Senior Member
since 2001-05-28
Posts 1641Arkansas |
Ahh, then, if there is a smile on your lips and a song in your heart, then you deserve every moment of it...very gentle smile |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Hey...and joy ain't joy if it ain't shared. I'm back and it does my heart wonders to see so many of you share the joy with me! Thank you...it's good to be home. |
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