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Open Poetry #17
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Allan Riverwood
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0 posted 2001-12-17 04:12 AM


(I felt like revisiting an old series that I wrote a long time ago, and posted in Teen Poetry #4.  For some reason I just began writing an extension to where the story last left off... I modified the title of one of Doreen's poems and used it in one line [thanks Doreen]... in any case... here's the first of my few follow-up poems, the "last songs." If you like it, maybe I'll post some of the others later on...   )

Stone Harlequin

Withered, my body, how old I have grown
Laying, a snack to the starving abyss
Bidding farewell to the home I have known
Bidding farewell as I slide into bliss

Harlequin's malice corroding my soul
Sniping me, photographs ready their aim
Branding my memories, taking their toll
Branding my future, a flickering flame

Hands of my legacy perching the piers
Clutching so close to my fingers of stone
Letting their sorrows in salt-water tears
Letting their harvest for crops over-sown

Youth but a mystery, wrapt in a silk
Floating like glaciers into the sea
Closing my lips from its nourishing milk
Closing my eyes from the white I would see

Whispering wonders of sadness unborn
Love slowly brushes me, sister of Death
Here to unpolish my gems of adorn
Here to demolish with pestilent breath

Tell me your love is a truth beyond time
What, such a secret, to hold in your heart?
Mysteries hidden while blatancies climb
Mysteries hidden beneath such an art

What makes a canvas from flesh of a boy?
Painter's defiance to tear me to shreds
You are a murderer, sadist for joy
You are a slayer, a cleaver of heads


Rotting, a casket so fitting a bed
Pounding with hammers of flesh who were hands
Screaming your name with the spite I have bled
Screaming your song from the burial lands

[This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 12-17-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved
Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium
1 posted 2001-12-17 08:44 AM


You have used a fantastic form here...

I like the repeating words in the last two lines, every stanza... and wonderful rhyme...

and a great use of vocab...

regards,
sudhir

Sunshine
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Listening to every heart
2 posted 2001-12-17 01:40 PM



You have my permission to continue on with this series...you Were Asking for permission, yes?

SpitFire
Member Elite
since 2000-04-19
Posts 2396

3 posted 2001-12-17 01:41 PM


~Possibly a first read of you for me,...quite impressed here. Every line as I went along tore deeper into my thoughts. Enjoyed this experience, the wording and form. Will read again. *Peace.
AngelPoet87
Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 280
Indy
4 posted 2001-12-17 06:02 PM


Hey Sweet Thing. I love this format, it really adds to the poem. You said the others were better than this one but I don't see how that is possible, lol. This one is a library for sure *yay*, and for now on you have to IM me when you post a new writing on here, lol. Take care Buddy, Much Love!

Liefhe alle ten spijte van duivel... A tes souhaits... A tes amours... Qu ils restent. J'ai t'adore. Je t'aime.

doreen peri
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since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812
Virginia
5 posted 2001-12-17 06:10 PM


chills.....

i got chills reading this.... too many fine lines to quote, Allan...

all i can say is.... you are a Poet.... you write succinctly with vivid imagery, you have a unique voice and your work is prolific and daring and honest.... Sometimes when i read poetry it doesn't ring true... something's missing... some essence of the author... some honesty ... does that make sense? with your work, it's never the case. it's always dynamic and filled with your soul ... as it should be

i'm impressed by your writing... could you tell?

hey... when i start my publishing business, you wouldn't mind if i published you, would you?

sorry, i'm not really up to dissecting and analyzing this but it would be a great piece to do that with..... i'd like to start a bulletin board on line where we can talk about the essence of the pieces posted... how they effected us, what we perceived in the layers of meanings....

your poetry is alive!! please don't stop!!!!!

Startime
Member Ascendant
since 2000-10-03
Posts 5918
Canada
6 posted 2001-12-17 06:13 PM


BRAVO!!!!Your words are fill with intensity that flows with a powerful quality. Amazing. Yes, this poem sings with clear strong notes. **hugs**

Love I leave with you whether it is in your life now or yet the essense of your dreams.

Mistletoe Angel
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Portland, Oregon
7 posted 2001-12-17 06:19 PM


BRAVO!!! WONDERFULLY EXPRESSED!!! I TOO WISH FOR YOU TO CONTINUE THIS WONDERFUL SERIES!!! (smiles) Your talent shines from your golden pen, sweet friend, I love it!!! (big hugggsssss) We all love you so very much!!! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Allan, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

Irish Rose
Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263

8 posted 2001-12-17 06:25 PM


very nice, Allan!

Kathleen (Kay)
"When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass, and the sun drips honey."
Laurie Lee

Balladeer
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since 1999-06-05
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9 posted 2001-12-17 08:51 PM


An excellent poem, Alan! You stayed true to the form and rhyme scheme yet made it all flow smooth as silk and come alive...please continue...
knightlyshadows
Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791
obscured vision
10 posted 2001-12-19 02:15 AM


wow allan, this was very nice. makes me want to dig around and reread your "Crystal Catacombs" series. can't wait to see the rest of this hun. great job and love you much. *rbsnuffle*
tiff

“A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.”

I know Im not perfect but I can smile
& I hope that you c this heart behind my tired eyes

Tracey
Member Elite
since 2001-08-29
Posts 2808
where insanity meets breeding
11 posted 2001-12-19 06:30 AM


Wow Allan, this is fantastic poetry. Whether this series, or other poetry, I sure do hope to see more from you. You certainly do have a way with words that is quite stunning in its imagery. This is one of the best pieces I have read here in a long time. Glad to see you posting again.

If she who dies with the most toys wins, then can I have some toy boys please?

Kit McCallum
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since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada
12 posted 2001-12-19 06:37 AM


What a marvelous piece Allan ... wonderful cadence and rhyme throughout, and the repetative words on the 3rd and 4th line flowed so beautifully. Your talent shines brilliantly through these lines!

Best wishes,
/Kit

Kethry
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082
Victoria Australia
13 posted 2001-12-19 07:00 AM


Allan,
this rings with crystal purityof a bell  and has the underlying dark of a tomb.
Well Done!
Kethry

Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind.  Unknown



Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

14 posted 2001-12-20 12:25 PM


Hey look what I found...I havent been in here as much of late with personal things and my comp problems...and I know Im missing a lot of great poetry ... but Im so glad I didnt  miss this even if I am late to the party.

This is a very ambitious piece of writing Allan...very cool write...very cool title too.  So much to find delight and impress in...first of all what stands out to me is the clever mix of rhyme, and those repetative word couplets which made for superb cadence. Also impressive is the vocabulary and poetic phrasing, as is the imagery... you really worked the imagery and symbolizims in this to create the mood of the poem and to successfully carry out the theme.
Theres even some alliterations thrown in  for extra credit
This is a unique write and I too would like to see more of the series.
And since I know you like more than just praise...I was wondering what was the reason for the 2 verses being in italics and the only phrase that I caught on was the 2nd line of the poem..maybe its just me..but the word snack seems out of place when surrounded by all the other vocabulary and more classic phrasing and language... what was your intend on that line...the word "snack" just doesnt sound "poetic" to me...
but like I said..it might me be
very very cool writing Allan
more please *L*
jm

You're the hidden cost and the thing that's lost in everything I do.
Thats the way love is ... sky blue and black.


Sven
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East Lansing, MI USA
15 posted 2001-12-20 12:52 PM


ahhh. . . it's nice to see this series return. . . I liked reading it at your website. . . and now, I like seeing you come back to it. . .

this form works well. . . and you make it your own. . . great job. . .

----------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

Allan Riverwood
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Winnipeg
16 posted 2001-12-20 12:56 PM


JM - Darn tootin' on the Snack dealie.  I was just using that as a word meaning "morsel" or "foodstuff" that went with my consonance in the first line (the letter S).

On a different topic, anybody want to feel my pain?  Go check out my alley thread...

Allan Riverwood
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17 posted 2001-12-20 02:07 AM


Oh and past that, the use of italics was to emphasize the shift from a progressive action, which is the basis of most other stanzas (notice the verbs with "ing" at the end).  The italicized stanzas were meant to be insight into the character's state of mind, instead of description of the character's actions (even if some of those actions were psychological).

Thanks for taking interest...

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