i am a new poet and would appreciate any advice or critique that i can get

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amerijuanican
Junior Member

since 2001-12-11

Posts 12

0 posted 2001-12-11 07:00 PM

                  X's
X's turned hexes
  In a talk last night
My heart's last tug
  Throw fear, I fight
Will my season so dear
  To which I cling?
This verse-a dirge, in my ear sing

My heart in clutches
  seized less breath
Ill focus lost
  in shadows greive

   My heart this hollow stained red glass
      Your true forgiveness, this I ask

Startime
Member Ascendant

since 2000-10-03

Posts 5918
Canada

1 posted 2001-12-11 07:05 PM

"your true forgiveness, this I ask" Absolutely stunning. Welcome to Passions. I will be looking forward to more of your work. You write from the heart. **hugs**

Love I leave with you whether it is in your life now or yet the essense of your dreams.

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

2 posted 2001-12-11 07:07 PM

I have no idea what this is about

so I can't critique it, but I can say WELCOME!

Please check your email for a special greeting

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

3 posted 2001-12-11 07:10 PM

(big hugggsssssss) OH MY GOSH, WHAT A WONDERFUL DEBUT!!! (sigh) May forgiveness come to your heart and fill your heart with love and comfort and hope! (sigh) Welcome to Passions, sweet friend, may you be inspired by all of us here as we will all be inspired by your lovely words! (big hugggsssssss) We all love you so very much, sweet friend! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet friend, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

rosepetals25

Member Elite

since 2000-05-31

Posts 3076
PA

4 posted 2001-12-11 07:18 PM

amerijuanican,

Welcome to Passions!

I hope you love it here as much as I do

Hugs,
Tara

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

5 posted 2001-12-11 07:29 PM

You write with a lot of imagery! There are many forums here designed to help you with your poetry, so look around, enjoy, and write on! Welcome to Passions!

Sally S.
Senior Member

since 1999-06-07

Posts 847
Ohio

6 posted 2001-12-11 07:30 PM

Advice?? Keep writing! This is very good...it flows well and has imagery. That's my recipe. Welcome to Passions.

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite

since 1999-09-05

Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA

7 posted 2001-12-11 07:52 PM

amerijuanican,
Cool name dude( don't drink the bong-water ).
Nice poem too( reminds me of hanging Christmas ornaments by myself, definately sad). Welcome to Passions.
Doc

RosePetal

Member Elite

since 2001-08-26

Posts 2985
South Florida

8 posted 2001-12-11 08:01 PM

Hi there! Welcome to poetry land! I'm sure you will love it around here. Nice entrance.
My advice to you is just to write what ever it is that you are feeling at the moment and it will have a way of coming together nicely

Bill Charles
Member Patricius

since 2000-07-11

Posts 10619
highways, & byways, for now

9 posted 2001-12-11 09:00 PM

amerijuanican - liked what I read for a new poet, and would like to see more of your writings.

BC

BloomingRose
Member Elite

since 2000-08-09

Posts 3092
Florida

10 posted 2001-12-11 09:08 PM

Welcome to Passion's!
I'm no critic, but I will tell you that I felt your poem was written from the heart, which is a big plus.
Keep writing and learn with the rest of us.

Deb

Tracey
Member Elite

since 2001-08-29

Posts 2808
where insanity meets breeding

11 posted 2001-12-11 09:59 PM

My ex turned a hex on me the other night...unfortunately, not quite as eloquently as your poem!!! Lol. This is great, very unique style and words. A big welcome to you..I hope you'll settle in and enjoy the blue pages

If she who dies with the most toys wins, then can I have some toy boys please?

Magnus

Member Laureate

since 2001-10-10

Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA

12 posted 2001-12-11 10:04 PM

I think you have done exceptionally well for
a first post...It flows like a song would
be sung...the rhyme is not to shabby...and
most importantly....the feelings are there.

Writing with feelings is probably more of a
plus than anything else you can do...

Welcome to a warm poetry place...Passions.

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

13 posted 2001-12-11 10:09 PM

Will my season so dear
  To which I cling?
This verse-a dirge, in my ear sing

My heart in clutches
  seized less breath
Ill focus lost
  in shadows greive

   My heart this hollow stained red glass
      Your true forgiveness, this I ask
===================================

this is a very cool poem....
its unique and cleverly done with an abstract edge to it...
I love your rhyme scheme, you even worked in some internal rhymes.

"My heart this hollow stained red glass"

Very cool imagery and your emote was expressive and felt by the reader
that last verse and closing couplet was very cool...wonderful poetic phrasing.
Welcome to Poetry Land...its nice to have you here with us...
I look forward to reading more of your work and seeing how you develop your style.
Lots of inspiration to be found here
well done new poet

jm

Its not like you to say sorry,
I was waitin on a different story.
This time I'm mistaken ...
for handing you a heart worth breaking.

Nickleback

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

14 posted 2001-12-11 10:52 PM

Welcome to the poetry pages. And don't let hexes stop you.

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