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Open Poetry #17
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An Important Message From Santa Claus (heh)
| Open Poetry #17 |
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An Important Message From Santa Claus (heh) |
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LngJhnAg Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion 
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I regret to inform you, effective immediately, I'll not be seen in the South this Christmas Eve. Since the birth rate in the South goes unabated My contract to deliver was renegotiated. Since I'll now serve only the children in the North I feel my time will be better spent henceforth. As part of my new and better contract, I get longer breaks for enjoying free snacks. Your children will still be served with good cheer By my third cousin, Bubba Claus (Sir Balladeer). His side of the family is from the South Pole. Delivering toys to children is also his goal. But... there are a few differences between us. The Grinch won't be stealing from Bubba's 4X4 sleigh, He has a gun rack in the back and bumper stickers that say, "With this Bubba Claus you shouldn't be messin' "Cuz these toys are insured by Smith and Wesson." Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus wants RC, Pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace are sweet. And Bubba ‘Deer doesn't smoke a pipe, understand? He likes chewing snuff; please provide a spit can. Bubba's sleigh is pulled by coon dogs with flop ears, I once made the mistake of loaning him reindeer. I'm training replacements for my own toy sleigh Because Blitzen is mounted over Bubba's fireplace. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" When Bubba Claus comes to your house, be sure to listen. "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty." The traditional "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you are likely to hear "Merry Christmas to y'all!" And, as required by the Southern highway safety laws, Yosemite Sam mud flaps on the sleigh say "Back Off." The sleigh has six running lights for all kinds of weather A Ford logo with lights that race through the letters, And a caricature of me which I find quite despairing, Peeing with a grin on our cousin, Tooth Fairy. The Christmas movie classic "It's a Wonderful Life" Will not be shown in the South's viewing area that night. Instead, "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and then, more, "Smokey and the Bandit", Parts 1 through 4. Bubba Claus hasn't a belt on his red suit made from jeans, Turn your wife and kids away when he bends under the tree. And his favorite elf, Lucie, will be shotgun rider, As she swills down gallons of their moonshine cider. No songs like "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." AM stations play others way down in the South. "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," and a similar song, "Grandma Got Run'd Over By an Antlered Coon Dog" Merry Christmas y'all, and to all good cheer, You'll be in good hands with old Balladeer. Just look for him soon in your stretch of woods, Balladeer Bubba Claus will treat'cha good. Ohhh, Bubba Claus ‘De-e-e-e-e-e-r, I'm waiting for my presents! heh |
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| © Copyright 2001 Michael Waterman - All Rights Reserved | |||
SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
sounds like my kind of Santa ROFL!! seein's how I'm a redneck girl at heart  |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
Oh, stop me I can't stop laughing this is hilarious! Kathleen (Kay) |
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Lorelei54 Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 458 |
I love your stories Mike...where do you ever get such ideas? LOL |
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LngJhnAg Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion |
Sweet Lorelei - I get all my ideas from you, Honey Did ya read that, 'Deer? It's not me you need to get; it's Lorelei! |
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EagleScorpion Senior Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 1644Here, Now, Forever |
ha! santa clause is a fat lazy *******. Oh well.. no wonder he's so fat.. this is so funny dude.. haha |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
Can't stop laughing!  this was so well done!     copyright2001 Lyra Nesius |
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RosePetal
since 2001-08-26
Posts 2985South Florida |
I'm cracking up over here! This is too funny, good job! Bubba Claus LOL! Hmm..wonder which of you two will be bringing me xmas presents? hehehe  RP |
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N orth Carolina Girl Senior Member
since 2001-12-04
Posts 962NC,USA |
You have just made a friend for life by mentioning Elliott in your poem.I am a diehard Bill Elliott fan.When he finally won again this year I brought out the kleenex.I also loved your poem and the smiles it gave me.     Juanita:wave: |
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inot2B Member Elite
since 2000-09-18
Posts 2205Arkansas |
Dear Bubba Claus, All I want for Christmas is that your turd cousin LngJhnAg, the imposter "Santa Claus" get just what he deserves down his chimney. |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
ROFL ... oh, this was great! You had me cracking up out loud on this end LngJhn! Talk about a vivid picture being painted ... just loved it, well done! Mind if I e-card a copy to a few good friends of mine from West Virginia? Merry Christmas ya'll!   Best wishes, /Kit |
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Corinne Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167state of confusion |
Awww, poor 'Deer - what did he ever do to deserve such treatment! Oh yeah, now I remember! Hope Bubba And LngJhn both have a great Christmas! Corinne |
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Interloper
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369Deep in the heart |
Methinks reprisals are definitely in order |
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Lady In White
since 2001-02-12
Posts 2799USA |
LongJohn...you're pulling my leg...aren't you?  |
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Pilgrimage Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945Texas, USA |
This is hilarious! Is it okay for me to copy it and show it to my sister? I'm always giving her jokes off the 'net. And this one is off the 'net, off the beam, off your rocker... Nan |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
So our sweetiepie Deer is a honky tonky Bubba Claus you say well then it's a good thing he's living far far away Your Santa Claus is competing with the one overhere Only his name is Sint Nicolaas, not suitable for ol' Deer But anyway your poem made me giggle all evening through Just love your teasing play with Balladeer I really do HUGS, Titia A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... |
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Startime Member Ascendant
since 2000-10-03
Posts 5918Canada |
*giggling with delight* the two of your always bring joy and cheer to my heart...all year round. This is so delightful. I love it LngJhnAg. **hugs**   Love I leave with you whether it is in your life now or yet the essense of your dreams. |
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rosepetals25
since 2000-05-31
Posts 3076PA |
LngJhnAg,  Thanks for the laugh.. this is great! Hugs, Tara [This message has been edited by rosepetals25 (edited 12-11-2001).] |
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Sally S. Senior Member
since 1999-06-07
Posts 847Ohio |
I can see all's well on the Passionate frontline's here. It's nice to see some thing's never change. You boys never do stop, huh??!! ~Shakes head and giggles~ Take care, Sally |
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Tracey Member Elite
since 2001-08-29
Posts 2808where insanity meets breeding |
Methinks you’ll be waiting a loooong time for presents after this one LongJohn if Balladeer is your Santa Claus!!! But, since you’re the Santa Claus here up North, just be sure you bring me some good presents!! If you do, I'll leave out a cold beer and some chips (to heck with all that milk and cookie stuff) If she who dies with the most toys wins, then can I have some toy boys please? |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
You would trash Santa Claus and besmirch Christmas for the sake of a poem? I LIKE that in a man!!! OK, sailor, you got me with this one. I will always bow to greatness, even at my expense. Of course, when I get done bowing, you know I'm coming after ya, right? Of course you do!!  Nice work, Mike  |
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Lorelei54 Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 458 |
I think they ought to declare a truce for the season and try to be nice to each other!!! What ya think? (Mike and Mike meant here) after all , they are two grown men...lol..well..sorta grown...make that two kids trapped in grown mens bodies? The bantering is so cute...never stop! |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Long John, I could have sworn I saw a trooper chasin' a rig just like that! Great fun. ROTFLMAO! |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Demeaning dialogues dripping with doubt Dapperly drooling from dollopy spout Doggerel dabblings of dauntless debate Demoting to doormat, degrading to grate Deliciously darling, delightfully great! LOved it! Liz |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
You be sure now to send Bubba Claus on round here For I've long been waiting to put a squeeze on that Deer! Forget that to-do of hanging stockings with care - I'll cold cream my face, and curl up my hair, Wear my best flannel nightgown, my pink fuzzie shoes - "Christmas Was Canceled!!" will be frontpage news! I'll treat Bubba right, smiles will wreathe his face As he takes his retirement from the delivery rat race. So don't get too comfy, you whiskered ole Yankee... You do your own job!! (We'll do hanky-panky *G*) ROFLMAO... ya done good, sailor... really REALLY good!!! *G* |
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LngJhnAg Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion |
Belle - ROFL@your whole poem! You are so creative. And, thank you every one for the wonderful, encouraging responses. Christmas came early this year for me in the form of all the wonderful people here who give me the desire to write and react. The sweetness of the women, and the comradery of the men has been terrific. Thank you one and al, and have a safe, happy, and peace-filled holiday season and new year. |
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Lucie Senior Member
since 1999-06-20
Posts 1077Houston |
Don't try to butter me up now sailor man.. I will not accept your Merry Christmas holiday cheer... I owe you .. ELF huh? well you wait and see what present I made in the workshop for you ol' man.. (squeezes ya tight anyway.. Merry Christmas sweetie.. to you, and yours) Remember me with a smile on your face, or please don't remember me at all. |
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Lorelei54 Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 458 |
love Ruth's reply... |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I love her reply, too!! Suthern girl could make every day of the year Christmas for this ole deer! Thank you, Ruthie!  |
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