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Kevin Taylor
Member

since 1999-12-23

Posts 185
near Vancouver, BC, Canada

0 posted 2001-10-24 04:54 AM

I have fallen while the stars of endless
endless sucking skies have sucked me down

and I have lain broken on the burning lawns of Hell --
fingers, arms, soul stretched to the point of nothing
to catch a wind that sings and does not sigh
with the souls of a million million soulless men

and I have slept and dreamt of rising
dreamt the cool nakedness of space
beyond the shell of light that sucks me down

and I have spent my fists with the soulless men
against the blackened skies of Earth
and the blazing incandescent trails
of souls arriving

and falling no further

to dream this night of rising
and the cool nakedness of space
once more

Kevin

"Poetry is, at once, what you get... and how you get there."

Professor Gloom
Member Elite

since 2000-07-23

Posts 3082
of Depression

1 posted 2001-10-24 07:03 AM

Whereas Liking this
In your first couplet:
I have fallen while the stars of endless
endless sucking skies have sucked me down

Plays the word repeat well,
But lacks it’s true impact in a poetic sense
Whereas something:
I have fallen while the stars of endless,
endless sucking skies have sucked to darkness.

Extends the word play and aligns the meter.
Granted the change from down to darkness
Mutates the message slightly, but I think that the improvement
Is worth the small meaning change.
Just a friendly commentary, please to continue,
I enjoy reading your words.

Gloom

Tracey
Member Elite

since 2001-08-29

Posts 2808
where insanity meets breeding

2 posted 2001-10-24 07:32 AM

Wow, these are some pretty powerful words Kevin. Tough emotions, excellant poetry

If she who dies with the most toys wins, then can I have some toy boys please?

Kevin Taylor
Member

since 1999-12-23

Posts 185
near Vancouver, BC, Canada

3 posted 2001-10-25 03:30 AM

~ Thanks P.G., I'll mull over your thoughts on the meter and wording for a bit. I didn't have any stuck attention on that part of the poem but if you did, well, that means others might as well.

~ Merci beaucoup, Tracey!

Kevin

"Poetry is, at once, what you get... and how you get there."

Ama Zhu Zhu
Junior Member

since 2000-01-03

Posts 25
Taipei, Taiwan

4 posted 2001-11-03 12:10 PM

omigod! i dreamed that exactly!

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