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ericaisamonkey
Member

since 2002-04-04

Posts 51
A little town north of nowhere

0 posted 2002-04-05 03:33 AM

ONE SINGLE DAY

High strung, dirty laundry, ladies pantyhose
Listen careful, get confused, and fall in love again
Inflate the mattress, sleep all day
While your cold settles
Hide the blankets, make the bed
I love you still and always will
The morning is so fresh
I smell the coffee, early rise
Now I know you're mine.

This is the first poem I've ever written on my own. The other poems I have are acrostics of my name and stuff from middle school. But give me feedback, I'm new and wanna know what you think.

*Erica*

CwboyAtHeart
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 541
Selah, WA, USA

1 posted 2002-04-05 03:36 AM

Hey, Erica! Like I said before, I really like this one. It's an interesting style, but it's really cool, and you did a good job. Hope to see more from you soon.

      - Cody -

Note To Self:  If Pigs Can Fly, So Can I!!!

If someboy laughs at me, does that make me funny or just plain stupid?

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

2 posted 2002-04-05 04:27 AM

Erica-
I really like this one a lot!
I love the rather abstract thought process.
You are a very talented poet, and we're
happy to have you here at Passions.
Welcome!!
~Vicky
P.S. Check your e-mail for a special welcome.

"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes
[This message has been edited by vlraynes (04-05-2002 04:28 AM).]

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

3 posted 2002-04-05 05:43 PM

The imagery is so realistic. I loved it a lot and welcome to passions!! I hope you enjoy it here!! Congrats too on writing your first poem

I hope there will be many more to follow!

iTs bEeN 1 Of ThOsE dAyZ 4 2 MaNY dAyZ nOw..I jUst NeEd a DaY whErE tHe WOrLd cAn tAkE cArE of ItsElf..

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

4 posted 2002-04-05 06:02 PM

"High strung, dirty laundry, ladies pantyhose"- This reminds me of those windy, summer days when clothes are blown on a clothesline...^^;

I really like the way you wrote about everyday things within a poem to express a greater depth of enjoyment. You have a fresh style, and I'm hoping to see more of your work in the future! ^^;

"Hide the blankets, make the bed
I love you still and always will"- *loves the imagery* ^_^

The only critique that I have is this particular line "Now I know you're mine." It didn't exactly make a lot of sense in relation to the poem (though some may disagree, it is an opinion) and it sounded clipped...almost too definate whereas the rest of the poem was more relaxed and laid back. But that's all I have to say. ^^;

Welcome to PIP family by the way! Feel free to do some replying, as I've already seen you do...
Keep up the good work!

leah

"...and sometimes when the music whispers softly in your ears,
take some time to dream a dream and put aside your fears..."
~r.h.a.p.s.o.d.y.

Jenn Cirrincione

Member Elite

since 2000-07-02

Posts 2107
Fl

5 posted 2002-04-05 09:42 PM

This is so incredibly unique. Wondefully done, keep them coming.

Jenn

"I can't get you out of my head- your love is all I think about."

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

6 posted 2002-04-06 02:13 AM

WELCOME!

I'm Titus.

"I love the rather abstract thought process."

"This is so incredibly unique."

I can't put it better.

I think you have a great start as a poet, talent wise. You seem to have a good grasp of having a beginning and ending to the story you paint for us. Well done!

~ Titus

"Tesous Christos, Theou Uios, Soter"

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