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Teen Poetry #5
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Perturbed Melody (Collaboration with Allan Riverwood)
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Perturbed Melody (Collaboration with Allan Riverwood) |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia 
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 Perturbed Melody  Red moon teetering on the edge of the sea, placid orange skies, beckoning me. Christmas in the frost, blood in the air, gold-bound smiles, flaxen and fair. Red moon teetering on the filmy sky casting us down with a menacing eye clairvoyant hue, obedient moans, kept with a whip to the peons he owns. Red moon teetering on the edge of the sea, caramel coated memories, concealing the key. little girl lost, glitter in her hair, wondering how she ended up there. Red moon faltering to ignorant pleas shaking his fur of blood-thirsty fleas biting his fists and scorning the light crunching our bones in his frostbitten sight. Red moon teetering on the edge of the sea, like the surreal forlorn picture, and the lonely melody. my paintbrush is clinging to a pallet of gray, painting a picture of what words can’t say. Red moon wavering harmony's woes sipping the seashine, the wavestream that glows fountain of hope river despair reservoir clotting his studious stare. Red moon teetering on the edge of the sea, unsinging wind chimes, spiraling free. the glory left over is in grandma’s old chest, gathering dust is what it does best. Red moon retreating with forks in his eyes mortals ignoring his pitious cries crimson apocalypse falls on the land kingdom of ashes returning to sand. --Marie and Allan If going to church makes you a Christian, then sitting in a garage makes you a car. [This message has been edited by Fading Away (edited 08-21-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Jennifer Floyd - All Rights Reserved | |||
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AngelPoet87 Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 280Indy |
*reminds herself to breath* Ummmmm.... *can't remember english* wow ~speachless ali~ Liefhe alle ten spijte van duivel. |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
*chokes*  ........*eyes start watering* this is AWESOME!!..i love this one!!! i LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVED the format and the syllables and the repitition and EVERY darn thing about this!!!  i can see both the influence allan and maire had on this piece..you guys are dynamic together!!....  to this piece and you two!! WOOOOOOoo HooooooOOoo!!!Outside Ab Simpsons N.Home: |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
 .....*clicks onto the library button*.... Outside Ab Simpsons N.Home: |
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fozzyozzy Member
since 2001-03-15
Posts 336Lessburg Virginia |
My oh my what a piece...what a piece. You two seem to have quite a chemistry together. you have impressed me over here. Hopefully, we can look forward to more. "and Death i think is no paranthesis"-e.e. cummings |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Thanks muchly everyone! Marie, a pleasure to work with you once more. We did it all, and we had some formatting too. So now we've both taught one another a thing or two, haven't we?  I await more input. Thanks as always, Passions in Poetry. Yours, ~Allan You eat the brains of an old, wise man. [This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 08-22-2001).] |
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sorrowfulangel Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 59Memphis,TN |
i must say i really like this.....it's not like anything i've ever read before....-applause- "god is the biggest under-achiever I know,something good happens god is great,something bad happens,he now works in mysterious ways" |
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Angel_in_Armor New Member
since 2001-08-22
Posts 2 |
I absolutly love the hidden reference to were's, how you two have left it open at the same time, not really naming the subject, and only giving subtle hints. Or, at least I assume it's reffering to a were of some form in there. ^_^;; But in all honesty, I think my favorite stanzas were the final one, with the crimson apocalypse, and the fifth one, reffering to the paintbrush... Simply put, I appluad your efforts and talent, and the somehow lucid flow of two talents as one. I honestly would've thought one person had written it alone. Bravo! |
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allie Member
since 2001-07-09
Posts 218Australia |
Woa! I really loved that one, chilling poem... Very good work you two! ALLIE |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Ali - Hehe, always remember to breathe!  Thanks for the reply! I'm glad you liked it so much!Cherish - Wowsers.. don't choke!!  Thanks SO much for such an enthusiastic reply! I'm glad you liked it!fozzyozzy - chemistry, eh? Hehe.. I might have to agree with you there Thanks for the reply!Allan - *high five* It was awesome working with you again, also. I'm still excited about rhyming!! Hehe.. You're awesome!Sorrowfulangel - I'm glad we've opened your eyes to see new things I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for the reply!Angel_in_Armor - Welcome to Passions in Poetry! Very good of you to write a reply as your first post. I always love that. I don't quite understand what you mean.. "referring to a were"? Anyhow, thanks for the reply! It's kind of strange, seeing as Allan and I both have VERY different writing styles. How we can come up with something so camoflouged is beyond me. But Allan's also great to work with!Allie - thanks so much for the reply! Chilling... hehe. I like! Thank you all for replying. It means bunches to both me and Allan! I look forward to reading more wonderful replies --Marie If going to church makes you a Christian, then sitting in a garage makes you a car. |
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TunaKaHuna Junior Member
since 2001-06-28
Posts 19United States |
Your poems have all ways been astonishing Marie, let alone working with someone with the same amount of gift! You both have so much talent, easy to see that. Both of you know just how to end each other's lines, phrases, everything to have the poem speak to everyone who reads it. I am left speechless to what else to say. Keep up the exellent work, both of you. It was very cold, but warm to my soul to read your poem. I could imagine the beach now. I enjoyed your writing very much. --Brenton |
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mistic Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 233Idaho, U.S.A. |
Awesome! *is in complete awe* Into my library it goes...~Steph Life is an open book with many unwritten pages, write something that's meaningful to you there. |
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keoni Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850Up in the mountains in the NFC |
This one was awesome you guys. Excellent job. It's going in the library. This one was amazing. Loved the ending Jon "Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine |
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Poet Unknown Member
since 2001-08-14
Posts 140Missouri |
what can you say to that other than wow Only darkness falls on those without souls |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Clairvoyant. Now THAT is a three-million dollar-word. This was incredible, guys. InCrEdIbLe. Wait..credible... I knew you two could come up with such a masterpiece. Its believeable, henceforth credible, and yet, incredible.... *sighs* teetering, teetering, teetering, faltering, teetering, wavering, teetering...retreating...the way all the stanzas meshed together, had a format, read easily and STILL held Marie's kick booty free verse style.........wow. ~Carly Speak softly and carry a beagle. |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
I am in awe...this is beautiful. And no, I'm not going to go over it line by line and all that...I'm too tired.  The format and flow was amazing. A really exquisite piece. Both of you are extraordinary poets, and with your talents combined, you two are able to write the most expressive and stunning poetry I'll ever have the honour of reading. I commend you both! I look forward to reading more from you! *mumbles* A library piece indeed...  -£êåh Va pensiero sull' ali dorate... |
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Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
WOW! Yep... 2 of the most incredible writers here at PIP, with the most different styles..have inevitabley come together to form one kick arse poem that leaves me with the lame reply... "Wow." hahaha. Really you guys- this was absolutely incredible. I for one am blown away. You guys impressed me big time.The flow was awesome, the format...everything...it was just incredible. I ecspecially loved the first line in the stanzas...how they started out as repetition...but then completely changed when you got more into the line. And I'm w/ Angel- I loved the last stanza above all. Nice word usage throughout the whole poem... So ya, Um, I would like that (autograph) made out to " OUr dear friend Jessica "The Great."LMAO. Bye guys! Hope to see another soon!  You wouldn't worry about what people thought about you if you knew how seldom they did. |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Brenton - *hug* Your reply always means bunches to me. I'm so glad I have your approval on this one. Talk to you soon!  Steph - Thank you! Keoni - Heh, the ending's prolly my fav part as well Thanks!Poet Unknown - Wowsers, another wow! Heh Thanks for the reply!Carly - Clairvoyant.. yes, an awesome word.. *points to Allan* he's the genius who came up with that one! But.. I'm sure that's no surprise Incredible... credible... that confused me a tad! Heh, thanks so much for the awesome reply. Formatted poem with free verse... heh, I guess that's pretty cool. *hug* Having your reply on this one makes writing (half of it) completely worth it!Leah - Heh, no need to go over it line by line! Thanks for the reply.. I'm SO glad to have your approval This autograph is to.. "Our dear friend, Jesa the Great!" That enthusiastic reply means a lot to me, and I'm sure it means just as much to Allan. Thanks so much for it.. I'm glad you enjoyed it.. and yes, I think (hopefully) there might be another soon! Like I said before, Allan's great to work with. Thanks all for the replies! You're all too awesome!! --Marie If going to church makes you a Christian, then sitting in a garage makes you a car. [This message has been edited by Fading Away (edited 08-23-2001).] |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
oMg the collb of two of my FAV poets.. you talented writers blend together and this came out amazing...awesome piece of work you two!...and GREAT use of SAT words there...ey? ...i truly enjoyed the read...cant wait for the next collb by you two...wOW...buh bye Allan + MArie if i die before i wake...i pray the Lord my soul to take - when thugs cry- |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
OMG!!! You two!! WHOA!! *blown away* This is just fantastic! You two have a completely awesome rhyme scheme happening here and the wording is spectacular. Not enough words can describe how much i love this piece so I'm just going to send it to the library and drool over it. lol Write more collabs you two. ~AF~ "Kelly's my Hero!" "No, Kelly's your heroine." "Kelly has heroin??" "What?" |
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Ree Ree Member
since 2001-06-28
Posts 56providence, RI |
This is such a kewl poem, i don't know what else to say... nice write.. : ) |
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aaron woodside Member
since 2001-09-26
Posts 256 |
This poem is pretty amazing. I loved the imagery you used. I could almost see everything in my mind's eye. The fact that it was written by 2 people impresses me even more. The 3rd and last stanzas are my favorite. The third with the girl w/ the glitter in her hair, standing around lost. Very nice imagery. I picture a girl standing on some sort of cliff above the ocean. And the last stanza about the apocalypse and kingdoms returning to sand just sounds like humanity to me. One other thing I can see how Angel-in-armor could think this poem was about a Were of some sort. As in werewolf. The first through fourth could all seem to be refering to such, as well as the first couple lines of stanza 8. Well anyway I really liked this piece, and hope to read more from you both TOGETHER again soon. ex animo Aaron There are no great men, only men in great circumstances. |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Wow! This has been brought back up! Heh.. Alby: You replied a while ago, but I never got the chance to thank you We haven't done a collab since. Hmm, maybe we should do another?Liz: Another who replied a while ago. But thanks so much, just the same! *bigggg hugs* Ree Ree: Thanks so much for replying! You were the one who brought it back up, eh? Your comment means a lot to me!Aaron: Thanks so much for replying as well. I appreciated the in-depth repsonse. (And, just for the record, I wrote the 3rd stanza, Allan wrote the last ) Thanks so much for reading.THANKS YOU GUYS! Love you all very, very much! --Marie I wish your fingers could touch all I can't say... no one should ever feel this alone. |
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