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Teen Poetry #5
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still falling
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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still falling |
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ryun Junior Member
since 2000-01-25
Posts 33elsinore, ca, usa |
still falling i sit at my desk still falling.. calling her name in my mind, repeated thru time.. over and over.. pounding.. my eyes long for that smile, falling into a hole dwelling on what is real.. longing for her touch.. for just one second.. is that to much?.. |
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keoni Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850Up in the mountains in the NFC |
I like your poetry, but it's hard to read the way you write it. Maybe I'm just retarded but I can't read it as easily when everything runs together. Oh well, still a good poem Jon "Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
This reminds me a lot of the last one. In the beginning you, said "calling her name in my mind" who's her? A past girlfriend? Very mysterious here... Nicely done. --Marie You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning. |
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ryun Junior Member
since 2000-01-25
Posts 33elsinore, ca, usa |
yup.. past girlfriend, love of my life.. she hurt me and still i love.. |
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Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
Ya, I agree with Jon. I think everywhere you have the periods and the comas it should instead start a new line....Thus reading like this: Still falling I sit at my desk still falling. Calling her name in my mind, repeated thru time.. over and over.. pounding.. my eyes long for that smile. Falling into a hole, dwelling on what is real, longing for her touch... for just one second... Is that to much? The line breaks and dots and comas give the poem a WONDERFUL serioes of pauses and breaks which add SO Much to the reading effect. I loved this write. I though you did an awesome job potraying you feelings... You wouldn't worry about what people thought about you if you knew how seldom they did. |
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silvrduck Member
since 2000-11-05
Posts 146 |
I like this one a lot.. im sorry about the situation though  I, myself, like the way it was written. the way it all flows together.. i don't know, makes it seem more real, and.. grr! i can't explain it.. *sigh* I love it though. Good work! Hope things start looking up for you ~Sarah *love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.* |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Often such thoughts plague not only your mind but quite a few more people as well. Honestly, if you sit here wonderding such things, you'll drive yourself mad. Being mad isn't exactly the best thing in the world for you. The lines really need to be broken up here to give it the maximum effect. Having it written like this takes away from what it has to offer. Try it the other way, or writing a few other pieces this way, and look at the way they read differently and come across. You'll be surprised how much of a difference line breaks create. Thanks for the read. Remember to reply as well as post. ~AF~ I'm a little teapot, short and stout! Here is my handle, here is my spout. *toot toot* |
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ryun Junior Member
since 2000-01-25
Posts 33elsinore, ca, usa |
heh i drive my self mad daily just by thinking about nothin.. and i wrote it like this cause i was just writin and it was just flowing without hitten enter.. most my other writings are'nt formated like this... and thank you all for listening.. it's weird i'v never posted anything i'v ever writen to wher ppl can read it hmm i dunno thanks =) |
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