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Teen Poetry #5
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Incognito
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Incognito |
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keoni Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850Up in the mountains in the NFC 
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I’m incognito, hiding from myself Cause I’d be a rich man if sins were wealth I can’t close this closet, too many skeletons to hide Always looking in at life from the outside I can’t control myself I can’t kill the pain I just want to live my life But my whole life’s in vain All I do is wrong Can’t do no right That’s why I lie awake Almost every single night Pray to God, hoping that he’ll listen Pray to God, hope he’ll pay attention Pray to God, asking to be blessed Pray to God, asking for forgiveness Cause it seems all I do Is eat, sleep, and sin Just to try to survive It’s a no win situation With the money I make, I can barely live How can I be expected to always give I wish I could help support someone else But I’m 18 years old and can’t feed myself So I do what I gotta do To make what I need to make Hurt who I gotta hurt And take what I gotta take And when it gets too hard To bear the things I’ve done I turn around and pound one down Just to think I’m having fun Cause I don’t know how to cope And to myself I can’t lie The scariest thing in my life Is I don’t know where I’m going when I die I’m incognito, hiding from myself Cause I’d be a rich man if sins were wealth I can’t close this closet, too many skeletons to hide Always looking in at life from the outside This one is almost a year old. I thought I'd post it.Everything in here isn't true anymore, some of it wasn't true when I wrote it in the first place, but I just want to let everyone know that I am fine. "Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine |
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| © Copyright 2001 Jon - All Rights Reserved | |||
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scout Member
since 2001-06-16
Posts 175no place owns me |
It's a good poem (I can relate) i used to feel that way, it's good that your okay now. xscoutx |
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Heavens Tears
since 2001-03-15
Posts 677 |
I likd this one. Its good that it is not true anymore. The flow was pretty good, and I liked the lines where you repeated "Praying to God..." It was a really nice effect. *Amanda* |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
This was a very nicely written poem, Jon! I really liked the opening, and the line saying, "Cause I’d be a rich man if sins were wealth" made me chuckle, because I bet many people could say the same thing and mean it as well. The first stanza I really liked, especially the analogy using the skeletons. The second stanza hit hard.. all too familiar feelings here... living life in vain's not something that feels good... All throughout this poem, the meter is inconsitant. The flow is broken many times here and there because of this. For example, in the third stanza: "All I do is wrong Can’t do no right That’s why I lie awake Almost every single night" The second line's too short for the stanza. If you added one more syllable.. maybe by adding "I" in the beginning of the line.. either way, that might help the flow here. This happens a few times throughout.. you might want to go back and look at that. The rhyme scheme is very good. The pattern used worked very nicely. I also really liked the fourth stanza where you started every line with "Pray to God" that gives a nice message. I'm glad you got through this situation.. these feelings you portray here can be very destructive. I liked this poem a lot. You're a talented writer, and contrary to what your critique message says, you are very good at this. Nice work! I enjoyed it. --Marie You can’t expect the roses to grow without the weeds. |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
wow!...i loved the emotions and thoughts in this one...something i totally related to...esp I can’t control myself I can’t kill the pain I just want to live my life But my whole life’s in vain that part hit me the hardest...and im glad that this is through...since im ina place where i want to go saying the same...taht thisisnt true...bye..  im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you? |
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obscurity of cloud Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 294....:::::******:::::.... |
this has been a very powerful read for me. I really love a lot of the lines that have already been highlighted, and your spiritual incorporation works nicely. Wonderful job...don't wait a year to post next time! "so when at times the mob is swayed to carry praise or blame too far, we may choose something like a star" --Frost |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Very nice repitition of the first and last stanza. it's good to see you aren't feeling that way anymore. ~AF~ Just because I hear voices doesn't mean I'm crazy...SHUT UP IN THERE!!! |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I got some sort of rappy feeling with this. Like it was a rap song. Anyhow, I liked it. You wrote it nicely. I love your poetry keoni, keep posting man.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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keoni Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850Up in the mountains in the NFC |
Thanks Dope, actually it wasn't influenced by rap at all. I had just been listening to the old Staind CD, and Deftones "Adrenaline" alot. Thanks for the compliment. It's very cool to hear that from someone of your talent.Thanks for all the replies Jon "Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine |
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Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
Great job on this. I loved it lots. I'm happy to hear you feel better now... but sometimes the best writing stems from raw painful emotion. Nice work. Jenn "Woah my love, my darling, I've hungered for your touch a long, lonely time"- Unchained Melody |
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Marshalzu 
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Great work Keoni, as usual I really enjoyed ther read. This is some of the best work I have read from you so keep up the good work.  Andrew |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
This one was really good Jon. Glad to hear that your ok . Well this was good, nice emotions, filled with raw despair...bravo.Regina If you only understood my pain then maybe you could learn to be my friend. Be there. My crying shoulder. The smiles. And the caring i need to survive. |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
This poem gave me the feeling os someone crying out for help. This is very much a release of your inner feelings. very good job. I loved every line I read. Thanks for sharing and keep it up. hi Sweets, Kris, Lizzy, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Ashley, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Mare |
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