Teen Poetry #5 |
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Shattered Mirrors |
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Wood_Stock Member
since 2001-05-09
Posts 58The little yellow |
-Shattered Mirrors- Raindrops fall from the sky, A teardrop rolls down from your eye. The salty dew then stings soft skin, As a burning sadness glows within. Buttered up, with sweetened lies, Makes the big comedown a greater crime. But before two drops have left your face, Force a smile, avoid disgrace. Inside your head the thunder claps, A storm is brewing upon your back. The lightning rod, shoots through your mind, As eyes light up, from behind. Grey clouds obscure the suns clean light, And for just a moment, the day turns night. With quiet determination, you shut them out, Dream of a quiet peace, not a constant shout. And you stare at me, as I stare at you, A shattered reflection, of a shattered truth. The mirror cracks and takes the blame, A bloodied fist is all that's left, to reflect the pain. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'd be interested to hear what people thought this one was about.... Wood_Stock |
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© Copyright 2001 Noel Wilson - All Rights Reserved | |||
allie Member
since 2001-07-09
Posts 218Australia |
I loved your last stanza, infact the whole thing was really great... wonderfull written, a good read ALLIE |
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Kosetsu Member
since 2001-03-10
Posts 450Alabama, USA |
WOO!! It rocks! This one was awesome Wood Stock. I think this is the first I've read from you, and I'm definitely impressed. Keep it up. -Kosetsu "Love, like the Rose, is desired. And like the Rose, Love has its thorns." - Unknown |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
Wow. You have a really cool theme here (nice title,hehe) and your rhyming was great! I love it! ![]() -hael Va pensiero sull' ali dorate... |
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DarkenedShadow Member
since 2001-07-23
Posts 114Kansas |
Allrigth I'm going to take a long shot at this and guess that this was about a relationship between you and another person. Also about a battle between yourself. Could I be wrong?? /Nick/ |
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Dopey Dope![]()
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Ok well I really loved the poem. Thought you wrote is awesomely. I think the very lastline had too many syllables and kind of forced. I think you should take out some words, maybe 2 of them to establish a better ending. "But before two drops have left your face, Force a smile, avoid disgrace."- Here you seem to say that crying is a disgrace and to fake being happy. I disagree with that. Other than all that, I found the poem to be exceptional. ![]() I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Heavens Tears![]() ![]() ![]()
since 2001-03-15
Posts 677 |
I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. I agree w/ Dopey's suggestions, but other than that, it was great! I need more time to find the real me... |
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Fading Away![]() ![]() ![]()
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Hi there, Noel. ![]() Okay, the poem was well written. The flow throughout is overall pretty good... there were a few places where when reading it aloud you have to rush the meter, and run words together in the process. I think the opening is choppy. Maybe you could add the word "down" in the first line, and repeat that word, emphasizing that word in both lines. Making it: "Raindrops fall down from the sky, A teardrop rolls down from your eye." That will help the flow there. It reads better that way.. The rushed meter occurs in the second stanza for the first time. The first two lines of that staza read: "Buttered up, with sweetened lies, Makes the big comedown a greater crime." You have to rush that second line in order to get all the words into the rhythm you have going in the poem. This also happens at the end of the fourth stanza. It reads: "With quiet determination, you shut them out, Dream of a quiet peace, not a constant shout." I think you could take out the first "a" in the second line, and that might somewhat fix the flow problem there. Again, the rushing happens on the last line of the poem. I highly suggest you fix that, because the ending is always the strongest part of the poem. That means in technical poetry, the ending should have the best flow. I really loved the context of this poem. The two lines that really stuck out to me were: "And you stare at me, as I stare at you, A shattered reflection, of a shattered truth." I loved the way you contrasted those... nicely done thoughout. I really enjoyed this. The symbolism and the imagery were excellent. Nice work ![]() --Marie You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning. |
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