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| Teen Poetry #5 |
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LCBS Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532Connecticut |
Your hands never moved gently They jerked me forward cruel, & fast And you never simply stood motionless As I pleaded with you just to last One time last fall, I thought we succeeded We seemed to gain a moment elapsed But just as soon as you had been here You sped off and I collapsed I tried to reach out-tried to hold you But you were the future, I was the past And as you spun round in circles In your face, my reflection cast You had gone by much too quickly Age now had me surpassed Damn it time, why did I love you Within your clocks my judgment lapsed [This message has been edited by LCBS (08-25-2002 01:50 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Lisa Bednarz - All Rights Reserved | |||
Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
I liked this, Lisa. But...(oh don't be too scared, I'm not that harsh  ) The rhyme tired me after the first six lines. After reading it again I see the different "ast" and "apsed" rhymes and the 2-rhyme exchange but they're reeeally similar...I think this could be a more effective poem if you split it into 2 or 3 stanzas, using a different rhyme within them...just an opinion though.  Keep doin' what you're doin' (er, that is..writing poetry )!~Carly "Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions." |
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LCBS Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532Connecticut |
Yea, I totally understand, stop scaring me with those 'buts...' I'll work on it too, the thing with the rhymes is that every other line was supposed to rhyme, so the "ast, asped" was just me forcefully trying to rhyme... ~Lisa |
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