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Teen Poetry #5
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The tracks
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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The tracks |
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lil_pwheeler Junior Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 39here |
In a small city Across the tracks Half the city Only blacks On the other Side of town All were white None were brown All they knew Is what they been taught Why they did this They knew not Till one day When a young girl Crossed the tracks Over the hill What they'd think She did not care So just why can't She go over there Through the ghettos She did wander As she passed They did squander She stoped at a corner To a man she said hi The man gave her the shoulder And made no reply She could tell Her efferts were at a lack So she turned And crossed the track [This message has been edited by lil_pwheeler (edited 07-15-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Pat - All Rights Reserved | |||
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
The idea is there but you're lacking power behind your words. Maybe a revision of it would help to really bring it to life and make it stand out a bit more. You might also want to watch the flow in some of those stanzas if you aren't going to take another look at it. It went off in some places. Nothing that can't be fixed though. Thanks for sharing.  ~AF~ Psychopathic chickens are plotting against me... |
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Mykels_Angel Junior Member
since 2001-06-25
Posts 38australia |
this is really good keep up the good work! |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
i agree with eJ here...your idea was great in this one...but, the expression of the power of the idea was somewhere not there...i think this is a great start...good luck on the revise im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you? |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
The idea of the poem was awesome! The ending was excellent. The emotion in this poem was seriously lacking, though, as EJ and Alby said. I think that you could rewrite this, and put more into it to make it a more powerful poem. Thanks for sharing nonetheless I enjoyed it.--Marie You can’t expect the roses to grow without the weeds. |
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Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
I completely agree w/ Af, Alby, and Marie. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I thought this was fine, actually. I mean it's a really strong topic to be writing about and I thought you did just fine. Not as powerful it could have been, but it was nonetheless written nicely.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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CwboyAtHeart Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 541Selah, WA, USA |
I liked this one... Not too many boundries left between the whites and blacks up here in Washington. But I know it still goes on, and I bet that there are few people that dare to cross that line. You showed that well, Great write. - Cody - |
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