Untitled - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

mistic
Member

since 2001-05-06

Posts 233
Idaho, U.S.A.

0 posted 2002-08-18 04:47 PM

The lakes have almost completly dried up
Reflecting the only the stoney bottom
Beneath what's left of its pretty mirrored surface.
Only two perfect holes of darkness,
Called pupils,
Reflect back the lonliness and pain
That resides deep within,
But is masked away by the lies and images you wish to see.
The sound of life stopped
When it is replaced by stone,
Leaving nothing to be felt.
But go ahead and strip the nature from your world,
Let if fall to pieces before your eyes,
You'll find you can have all the time in the world
To do as you please,
But when you turn around
Searching for the comfort you seek
You'll find that your world is no longer there.

Ok I'm looking for titles, so if anyone has any ideas please share. And the line "the sound of life stopped" has nothing to do with suicide, but more parallels with the stone heart and the nature theme, kind of like when there's danger coming it'll suddenly become silent, no birds singing.. hardly any sound at all. I'm not sure if that made any sense or even if the poem makes any sense, but oh well. There you go...

[This message has been edited by mistic (08-19-2002 01:42 AM).]

Savage Quiescence
Member

since 2002-07-29

Posts 326
Wandering

1 posted 2002-08-18 07:03 PM

I think that with a little work on structure, perhaps adding a more defined meter to it, that this could be quite a poem. Yes, it does make sense. And I think the line "the sound of life stopped" makes perfect sense, it is very deeply thought-out. Not bad on the imagery side, either. Good write.

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

2 posted 2002-08-18 10:33 PM

The last five lines are the best in my opinion, but the entire poem is good

I just have a little comment to make... At first you talk about the lake in plural form, and then you switch to singular. I dont' know if it was intentional, but it throws the poem a bit, you know?

mistic
Member

since 2001-05-06

Posts 233
Idaho, U.S.A.

3 posted 2002-08-19 01:41 AM

hehe any meter in there is completly accidental, I hardly ever do any meter or rhyme, I try to stick to free verse. Thanks for the comments though. And Skyfire, the lake being plural at the beginning and then not was kind of intentional but yet not. I don't know how to explain it. I'll fix that though. Thanks

vixengrl04
Member

since 2001-04-26

Posts 495
East Haddam, CT

4 posted 2002-08-19 02:10 PM

I enjoyed this poem alot, and found it to have a very deep meaning to it. You've written it very very well...As for a title, the line about pupils stuck out to me the most. What about simply "Pupils" for a title? Thanks for sharing this piece with us!

Always,
Nikki

     *~Fighting for your love~*
    *~Is something I cannot do~*
   *~I'm not good enough to win~*
*~And I'm not strong enough to lose~*

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.