Counterfeit Joy - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Teen Poetry #5

Counterfeit Joy

StellarChica
Member

since 2002-07-06

Posts 207
floating down a river...

0 posted 2002-08-16 09:25 PM

Pictures line my dresser mirror,
Sun bleached and ravaged by time,
I'll open the window,
Put the fan on high,
Pretend it's a cool autumn breeze
The sky is purple,
The clouds are pink,
I'll watch the sunset from my bedroom window,
I'll revel in my artificial wind,
I'll pretend that everything's okay.

This one needs a little work but I hope you enjoyed it anyway.

*~erin~~*

"Noone is allowed to be so proud that they never reach out when they're giving up."-Better Than Ezra

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

1 posted 2002-08-17 12:50 PM

I did enjoy it anyway. The only thing that I felt could be improved on was the breaks in the poem - there were none. That's okay though. I just felt it tended to read like a run-on sentence. Just... dont' improve it for someone else, improve it for yourself, okay?

Nazera29
Junior Member

since 2002-08-14

Posts 34
Connecticut

2 posted 2002-08-17 12:57 PM

the tone in this poem is expressed wonderfully... i can feel a sense of sadness and longing, it painted a vivid picture in my mind... clean it up if you think you should, but i enjoyed it as is.

*We are the hero in our own story*

StellarChica
Member

since 2002-07-06

Posts 207
floating down a river...

3 posted 2002-08-17 01:11 AM

I agree that it seems like a run on sentence but I can't figure out how to fix it..Hmm..I'll work on it a little. Thanks for reading guys

.

*~erin~*

"Noone is allowed to be so proud that they never reach out when they're giving up."-Better Than Ezra

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.