For my father to show his friends

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Jester
Junior Member

since 2002-08-13

Posts 41
The dark corners of your mind

0 posted 2002-08-14 09:03 PM

Life, Love and Respect.
They're all so easily gained.
Sit up straight, and shut your mouth.
Act like you're well trained

Pride or Greed, its all the same.
"Here's my daughter," can't even say my name.
A provider, a teacher... he thinks he is there.
When I know in my heart, he doesn't even care.

If only he listened, to the pain I express,
He'd truly understand, our love is a mess.
With his mouth wide open and his ears shut right up,
He believes I'm alright, not always messed up.

I am your God, will you kill me now or shall I be continually suicidal?

Nazera29
Junior Member

since 2002-08-14

Posts 34
Connecticut

1 posted 2002-08-15 03:11 AM

wow...i feel very similarly about my relationship with my father, and i think that your poem really shows the pain and constant fighting for acceptance. thank you for sharing

Jess

*We are the hero in our own story*

anya
Member

since 2002-07-27

Posts 393
London, UK

2 posted 2002-08-15 03:38 AM

this was very very good, well constructed and at the same time deals with an important issue, I will have to look up your other posts
anya

fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

3 posted 2002-08-15 03:45 AM

hey,
you want honesty?? i'll give ya honesty! this was really well done, in my opinion =) the flow was excellent, and i especially enjoyed the "Here's my daughter," can't even say my name." line. very, very well done. times like this when i am thankful my dad is out of the picture.
-bergundy-

maybe i'll catch fire, something nice to warm me. something pure to burn away the darkness, that hides inside my mind. -alkaline trio-

paper doll
Member

since 2002-08-04

Posts 133
Floating on Uncertainty

4 posted 2002-08-16 05:30 AM

Firstly, you've got a great idea for a piece it just needs a bit of fine tuning.

Your meter would be the first thing that needs looking at. Pieces tend to run well when they're based on a structure other than rhyme. A fantastic person to talk to about meter would be Local Parasite. He knows his stuff so with a bit of luck he'll give a reply in here and give you a hand.

Your rhyme scheme is a little messy. You start off with an abab rhyme then switch to an aabb. You want strength for a piece like this so keeping the rhyme constant would really aid in that department.

Other than that you've got a great start on your hands. A slight revision, fine tuning like I said and it'll be magic. If you do decide to revise it I look forward to seeing the result.

Thanks for posting.

~M

Imagination=nostalgia for the past, the absent; it is the liquid solution in which art develops the snapshots of reality.

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