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punkrockerrobin

Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 1180
Sparks, NV

0 posted 2002-08-14 03:52 PM

pretend we have no worries,
   pretend we have no fears
pretend that when we are sad,
   we never cry real tears
pretend you really love me
   and together we will grow
pretend you'll always be here
   and never let me go
pretend you don't get mad
   at the little things i do
pretend you don't care
   what others think of me and you
pretend there no real meaning
   to the word "hate"
pretend we really know who we feel
   before it's to late
pretend this isn't a game
   that some day soon will end
and pretend that this is real
   and we never play pretend.

you either like me for who i am or you don't like me at all

Jenn Cirrincione

Member Elite

since 2000-07-02

Posts 2107
Fl

1 posted 2002-08-14 05:34 PM

I like this.
It's more structured than your other work, and a little more on the serious side.
Great attempt, kudos to you Robin, nice work.

Jenn

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

2 posted 2002-08-14 05:35 PM

Hmm I just loved this poem Robin, this one is going in my library

I do have a few suggestions though,

"pretend you don't get mad
   at the little things i do
pretend you don't care
   what others think of me and you"

try switching "they" for "others"

"pretend there no real meaning
   to the word "hate"
pretend we really know who we feel
   before it's to late"

try adding "is" between "there" and "no" as it sounds a little better in my opinion, and may I also suggest changing the line "to the word hate" to "to the little word called "hate"" as that also sounds better to my ear.

I know it's quite a lot to change but after reading it several times, I think that it sounds a little better to my ear with my suggestions, of course it's only my opinion.

Anyway great poem, thank you for sharing and keep up the excellent work

Andrew

Visit my forums @ http://chronicles.proboards4.com/index.cgi

Jester
Junior Member

since 2002-08-13

Posts 41
The dark corners of your mind

3 posted 2002-08-14 09:09 PM

I really enjoyed this poem quite a bit... being new to pip i've just gotten a chance to read some of everyones poetry. You're definitely going into my library. The meter seemed a bit off to me... could just be me though.

I am your God, will you kill me now or shall I be continually suicidal?

punkrockerrobin

Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 1180
Sparks, NV

4 posted 2002-08-15 01:22 AM

it sounds real good read out loud but hey tks for the replies glad ya liked it!

you either like me for who i am or you don't like me at all

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