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WhiteRose
Member Elite

since 2002-07-23

Posts 3208
somebody's dungeon

0 posted 2002-08-14 09:22 AM

There she stands
gun in hand
death lay
at her feet.

How to make
her understand
that death
is so complete.

Why dear child
would you kill
with seemingly
no concern?

With empty eyes
a careless shrug
"It's just something
that I've learned".

WhiteRose

In truth, what defines us is our poetry.

[This message has been edited by WhiteRose (08-14-2002 06:47 PM).]

Kevin

Senior Member

since 1999-11-02

Posts 729
Torrington, Ct, Usa

1 posted 2002-08-14 10:36 AM

So much with so little rose

The structure was good but a bit awkward at the end, I dont know how I would fix it

But I still enjoyed this alot

WhiteRose
Member Elite

since 2002-07-23

Posts 3208
somebody's dungeon

2 posted 2002-08-14 10:40 AM

Thank you Kevin for commenting. I have been tripping over the last bit of this poem ever since I wrote it. I can't seem to think of a way to change the flow though. I'll keep working on it. Sometimes things like that just come to me. Thank you again for the comment.

In truth, what defines us is our poetry.

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

3 posted 2002-08-14 06:42 PM

Hmm this is a really good read, I loved the format and the words just seemed to flow through the entire peice, but the ending kinda seemed to sound a little out of place, if I may I would suggest that you change it to...

"It's just something
That I've learned".

I don't know if it sounds any better to you but I think it makes a little more sense to me. Anyway great read, thank you for sharing and keep on writing this great work.

Andrew

Visit my forums @ http://chronicles.proboards4.com/index.cgi

WhiteRose
Member Elite

since 2002-07-23

Posts 3208
somebody's dungeon

4 posted 2002-08-14 06:50 PM

Thank you Andrew, I've edited the poem, it does sound better.

So now I'm sitting here thinking, "it was just one word and I've been stuck on it for several years now".

Thank you everyone who commented.

Touch me with your whispers,
and I'll listen with my heart.

Jenn Cirrincione

Member Elite

since 2000-07-02

Posts 2107
Fl

5 posted 2002-08-14 10:34 PM

This was well written, very simplistic, and yet it flowed wonderfully. Sad topic really.

Jenn

Why is it that we are at our most ingenius only when trying to destroy the things that keep us alive and thriving?

TradingSpaces19
Member

since 2002-08-31

Posts 134
Arvada, Colorado

6 posted 2002-09-03 10:15 PM

I really enjoyed this poem, although it is sad. Why would anyone want to kill themselves? Anyways keep writing I hope to read some more. I have some poems on here too.

Thank you for sharing this with everyone,
Andrea

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