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Teen Poetry #5
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Draw in the smoke...
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Draw in the smoke... |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA 
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“...and gaze at the reflection in the mirror, As streetlights gaze at drying puddles...” J. Brodsky Draw in the smoke and with the motion of a finger, shake off the lazy fireflies that linger to burn to ash. Cold bathroom lights reveal your flaws, the bald spot in your hair, the crooked nose... Breathe out the smoke, and nothing’s to be seen, except the rows of plastic bottles -- blue and green, colognes and creams and other useless stuff, which you still use in hopes of luring in true love. The smoky mirror hides your grim reflection, and now, none of your flaws remain... Thus streetlights watch with warm affection the puddles blurred by drops of rain. Check out my poetry here: http://www.unknownpoets.com/db/authors/master [This message has been edited by Master (08-11-2002 04:43 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved | |||
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Draw in the smoke and with the motion of a finger, shake off the lazy fireflies that linger to burn to ash. Cold bathroom lights reveal your flaws, {I think it sounds a little akward with the breaking of the line to fit the rhyme scheme.} the bald spot in your hair, the crooked nose... {I think that the flaws/nose rhyme may not work well here. I have found that when you have an aabb rhyme, that if you start off with an approximate rhyme so soon it may through the reader off, or atleast it did for me. Just a thought.} Breathe out the smoke, and nothing’s to be seen, except the rows of plastic bottles -- blue and green, {This rhyme seems forced for some reason.} colognes and creams and other useless stuff,{Stuff? What a boring word to come from you. I KNOW you can come up with much much better.} which you still use in hopes of luring in true love. The smoky mirror hides your grim reflection, and now, none of your flaws remain... Thus streetlights watch with warm affection the puddles blurred by drops of rain. The change of the rhyme scheme seems a little strange. I think it may work a little better if you split this into multiple stanzas. But I am really not sure. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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punkrockerrobin 
since 2001-05-15
Posts 1180Sparks, NV |
it was horrible and i didn't like it. |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Casey, I'll get back to you response in a bit. Robin, OUCH!!! *LOL* Check out my poetry here: |
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Kevin
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729Torrington, Ct, Usa |
haha This was terrible master, awful This reminded me a lot of that poem I wrote a month or two ago called guilt driven just a comment on Casey’s comment, I like the use of the word stuff there because it sort of takes away the identity of things your stressing as (I don’t want to say useless but sort of trivial...I guess is what I’m going for)...so I think it applies really liked this one though peace [This message has been edited by Kevin (08-12-2002 09:55 AM).] |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
I think the stress on the finger-linger rhyme is very strong so the breaking of the line shouldn't sound too akward in this case. I agree that the nose-flaws rhyme isn't perfect, but I don't think that it's bad enought to be a stubmling block for a reader. I might be wrong. Anyone else wants to comment on this one? For some reason, seen-green also sounds forced to me. I'm not sure why though. I'll see what I can do with that. As far as the word "stuff" -- I think Kevin explained it pretty well. Normally, I wouldn't use such a "boring word" but it does, in a way, underline the trivilty of the whole thing. So I think it works there. I made the change in the rhyming pattern on purpose. I think the last four lines are the essence of the poem and I wanted it to stand out a bit. I don't think I want to separate it into two stanzas though. Again, thanks for reading and responding. I'd love to see more of your work. Peace! Ditto for you, Kev! |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
No prob master, but be sure that you remember that I am a free verse child when I am way off base with a crit. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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LCBS Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532Connecticut |
master, I liked the idea of hte poem, but it didn't touch me the way some of your others have. Possibly because I'm tired and I just read the words without really processing them. As to Robin's comment, and I honestly don't want to fight, but I feel as though I need to explain something. A critique is acceptable when there is a foundation, and if you critique someone soley for the purpose of revenge then you really don't understand the purpose of this forum...I am not saying you did this, but if you did.....I know master was trying to disregard your statement, but I guess I cant. ~Lisa [This message has been edited by LCBS (08-12-2002 10:20 PM).] |
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paper doll Member
since 2002-08-04
Posts 133Floating on Uncertainty |
What is with that punkrockerrobin and her replies??  Honestly, it annoys me when people have no appreciation for decent poetry. Anyway, on *your* piece. I did enjoy it but I've got to agree with Casey on the line, "colognes and creams and other useless stuff," It seems as though you ran out to things to mention and as such broke the beautiful run you had going with it for a moment. Other than that, the meter was good and the imagery was well done. Not at the top of the list but nonetheless, a nice read. ~M Imagination=nostalgia for the past, the absent; it is the liquid solution in which art develops the snapshots of reality. |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Thank everyone! I can't believe no one commented on the J.B. quote. To me, it's one of the most beautiful images i've seen in poetry... As far as the poem, yeah, i think it needs some polishing. |
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