»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #5
»
Crucifixion (slightly revised)
| Teen Poetry #5 |
|
Crucifixion (slightly revised) |
|
|
Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA 
|
The wick of your candle is short. By the morning, there will be only smoke. “Deliver me from the sword; my forlorn life from the teeth of the dog.” (1) I cannot endure much longer. My rosary disperses into dots. “They divided my garments among them And for my vesture they cast lots.” (2) Onto them I render my flesh and blood, Onto you -- my heart and my soul. “On every side the wicked strut; The shameless are extolled by all.” (3) They have nailed me to the cross to ground me, Spat at my face, left me to die, “But you, Lord, are a shield around me; My glory, you keep my head high.” (4) Give me the words and the strength to speak. I will praise you before the assembly. “Have pity on me, Lord, for I am weak; Heal me, Lord, for my bones are trembling.” (5) Harbor me, Lord, in your arms, stay close. Abba, Father, do not ignore me. “Guide me to your justice because of my foes; Make straight the way before me.” (6) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1: (Psalm 22.21) 2: (John 19.24 also see Psalm 22.19) 3: (Psalm 21.9) 4: (Psalm 3.4) 5: (Psalm 6.3) 6: (Psalm 4.9) Check out my poetry here: http://www.unknownpoets.com/db/authors/master [This message has been edited by Master (08-11-2002 12:37 AM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved | |||
punkrockerrobin 
since 2001-05-15
Posts 1180Sparks, NV |
ok why put verses here they are not even your own. next time try writting something original. |
||
|
Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
No comment... |
||
|
mistic Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 233Idaho, U.S.A. |
I feel the verses add a lot to the poem, gives it more of the feeling of crusifixion and salvation. I think you did a nice job here, thanks for posting it. |
||
|
paper doll Member
since 2002-08-04
Posts 133Floating on Uncertainty |
I have to raise an eyebrow to your first comment. Unbelievable... Anyway, the piece -- wow. The verse's addition brings an amazing strength to a poem already brimming with a wonderful theme. I do like how you've incorporated elements of a holy text with vivid imagery. There is a darkness mixed with a strange sense of longing that cannot go by unnoticed. Definitely a well written piece. Thank you for posting this. ~M Imagination=nostalgia for the past, the absent; it is the liquid solution in which art develops the snapshots of reality. |
||
|
Toad Member
since 2002-06-16
Posts 161 |
Seems fairly original to me. One thing that impresses me about your work in general is that you aren’t afraid to try new things and experiment with concepts, forms and formats instead of sticking to the tried and tested. About the poem Cutting the psalms and marrying them with your own lines worked well, I would probably have aimed for a sharper contrast, perhaps creating statements diametrically opposed to the Psalms to evoke a questioning or challenging feel. One mere mortal reflecting on the circumstances of the real world and comparing them to the word of God – if you get my drift. I wondered about the rhyme scheme, I can see why it’s necessary, creating the thread that stitches the new and old together, but why move away from it altogether in the first stanza, and the last stanza seems weakened by the ‘me’ usage? Is it original – I think so Is it good – I think so Could it be better – I think so, but it’s a heck of a good foundation on which to build. Thanks for the chance to read and reply. |
||
|
serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
"Abba, Father, do not ignore me." “Guide me to your justice because of my foes; Make straight the way before me.” (Psalm 4.9) I adore this poem...the references are right on target, for ME, anyway, and strung together like lacy woven spider webs, only fully appreciated if caught in the right light..the "abba"--not a coincidental palindrome either--nice touch there. So much more I could say about this, but I will follow your cue, as so much more will do... in inference.  |
||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
This is pretty good, Master. A very good concept that you've chosen to develop into poetry. I also like your choice of verses... I disagree with Toad about the "me" usage. It's feminine rhyme that spans two words - using "me" twice isn't excessive because the rhyme isn't "me," it's "-ore me." Worked out fine as far as I'm concerned. I think that this wasn't meant to be an earth-shattering piece... it was meant to carry a somber, solemn tone; and give a feeling of gentle, spiritual inquiry... and that's precisely what it did. I happen to think this was well composed, Master. My guess is that you went over it a few times, tweaking it to get it just right? It shows signs of refinement. If not, don't bother. This is a quality piece as it stands. Parasite |
||
|
Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Thank you all for your comments. I stayed up till four last night writing and revising this one. As Toad said, it still needs some work and I agree. The meter is rusty in a few places. I can't work on it now, but I'll come back to it a bit later tonight. Thanks again for reading. [This message has been edited by Master (08-11-2002 12:46 AM).] |
||
|
PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Utterly impressive, Master. I'm not sure if I've read any of your work, perhaps one or two, but I can see how I was missing out. Paper doll put it extremely well when she said, "The verse's addition brings an amazing strength to a poem already brimming with a wonderful theme. I do like how you've incorporated elements of a holy text with vivid imagery. There is a darkness mixed with a strange sense of longing that cannot go by unnoticed." Besides that, I don't have much else to add - one thought though. If you replaced the location of the verses with, say (1), (2), etc, then, at the bottom, do "1. Psalm 22:21 2. John 19.24 also see Psalm 22.19" perhaps that would hinder the flow of the poem less. Anyway, well done; a great write. Sincerely, Titus [This message has been edited by PoetryIsLife (08-10-2002 09:24 PM).] |
||
|
Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Hey Titus, thanks for the suggestion with the verses. I've revised the poem just a bit to make it a bit more smoother. The meter still needs some work. Any suggestions? Check out my poetry here: |
||
|
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I read through it, and for meter, I'd go with something of an anapestic trimeter... with only a 2/3 foot in place of the first foot of each line. the/WICK of-your/CAN dle-is/SHORT by/MORN ing-there/WILL be-but/SMOKE or some such thing... eh, just a suggestion... |
||
|
Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Thanks for the suggestions LP. To tell you honestly, I always trust my ear when I write. I never really had the patience for actually scanning poetry for meter. [This message has been edited by Master (08-11-2002 04:34 PM).] |
||
|
LCBS Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532Connecticut |
I loved this, and honestly this is my favorite of yours, even if it needs a little work. Amazing, absolutly wonderful....ok enough with the praising, I have one question... Did you know all those psalms, when you were writing the poem did you just think "ooo number 22 will do"? if thats true, then you are pretty cool! ~Lisa |
||
|
Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Thanks Lisa, To answer your question: I thught it would be a cool idea to write a poem centered around a quote from the Bible. I looked over the gospels, but nothing caught my eye, until I read "They divided my garments among them/ And for my vesture they cast lots." I thought it was a cool quote and it had a note next to it to see the Psalm. So I went back and read some of the PSalms and picked out the quotes I used. I didn't know any of them beforehand. Glad you liked this one! Check out my poetry here: http://www.unknownpoets.com/db/authors/master [This message has been edited by Master (08-12-2002 06:56 PM).] |
||
|
LCBS Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532Connecticut |
ehhh, you are still mad cool, even if you didn't know them all! |
||
|
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Master - On second thought, the meter would probably throw the flow out-of-synch with the bible verses anyways. Screw meter, you don't need it here. Generally, if you want to compensate for lack of meter, you should try going for a more spoken, coffee-shop tone to make your poem read through less lyrically. Then the reader won't miss the flow that meter provides quite so much. At least, that's how I compensate for lack of meter. As it stands, this poem already has a decent spoken tone. I maintain that you should let it be. Parasite [This message has been edited by Local Parasite (08-12-2002 06:58 PM).] |
||
|
Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Thanks LP, I think I'll take your advice. |
||
|
Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
I've been reading a lot of your poems today and I am very very very impressed with your work. I've been astonished with what I've read due to the fact that you write astonishingly well and your poems have depth. I have been quite unable to reply to your poems due to the fact that I have no idea what to say, your poems leave me speechless. I applaud you, Master. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
