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anya
Member

since 2002-07-27

Posts 393
London, UK

0 posted 2002-08-11 04:07 PM

Your the overpowering smell of cheap perfume in an airless room,
thick make-up on a four year old girl,
the unnatural light from a flickering neon sign that illuminates a dirty alleyway where rats and rabble mingle
You evoke something in me that makes every fibre of my body recoil in revultion
Your the splattered bloodstains on a public toilet wall,
a syringe laying in a childrens playground,
the hand that pushes an old lady down to an icy pavement
You provoke something deep inside that makes my soul scream with repulsion
You disgust me

*~p.r.i.n.c.e.s.s.~*
Junior Member

since 2002-07-25

Posts 38

1 posted 2002-08-11 04:32 PM

Wow.... that was so....wow. Good... I really really liked that. I couldn't tell you exactly what I liked about it, there's just something about it. Great job..
love: Britt

paper doll
Member

since 2002-08-04

Posts 133
Floating on Uncertainty

2 posted 2002-08-12 05:28 AM

Intense -- I like it. Invoking some powerful emotions in this piece, Anya. Loved the metaphors you had going here too. Just watch out for the spelling and grammar mistakes. They take away from the credibility of the poem.

~M

Imagination=nostalgia for the past, the absent; it is the liquid solution in which art develops the snapshots of reality.

anya
Member

since 2002-07-27

Posts 393
London, UK

3 posted 2002-08-12 08:11 AM

Sorry about the spelling and grammar, I have always been terrible at stuff like that, I will be more careful from now on

Kevin

Senior Member

since 1999-11-02

Posts 729
Torrington, Ct, Usa

4 posted 2002-08-12 02:39 PM

well this poem was supposed to make me cringe and it defintiely did with teh bathroom wall thing

still shaking my head
kev

anya
Member

since 2002-07-27

Posts 393
London, UK

5 posted 2002-08-12 03:54 PM

well, i didn't really want to make people cringe too much, I didn't want to offend anyone or anything

fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

6 posted 2002-08-12 08:04 PM

hey,
this is pretty cool, i love all of your images. you didn't offend me, but you made your point clear with surprisingly few words. honestly i can't really see anything that sticks out a lot to improve upon. you did well in my opinion =)
-bergundy

maybe i'll catch fire, something nice to warm me. something pure to burn away the darkness, that hides inside my mind. -alkaline trio-

Child of the Stars

Senior Member

since 2000-09-07

Posts 1658
Ann Arbor, MI

7 posted 2002-08-16 11:11 AM

Eeeeew! You've done a superb job of disgusting the reader, that's for sure...

"the hand that pushes an old lady down to an icy pavement"--I had to laugh at that one, it was just a funny picture. I know, I'm cruel.

Very nice work.

~Carly

"Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions."
~David Borenstein

anya
Member

since 2002-07-27

Posts 393
London, UK

8 posted 2002-08-16 01:07 PM

well i wasn't really trying to make people laugh with this poem but now that you mention it that last image may be a bit over the top, it is kinda funny
anya

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

9 posted 2002-08-17 12:42 PM

This is raw. I actually felt your disgust (well, I felt like I felt it - make sense?). I could have used that to describe my own feelings towards someone a few nights ago. Good conveyance

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