Jealousy Flourishes In August

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StellarChica
Member

since 2002-07-06

Posts 207
floating down a river...

0 posted 2002-08-08 07:23 PM

Again just me venting emotions. I've been doing that alot with my poetry lately. I

She brags of his letters,
Not to mention his phone call,
Swears she had an epiphany,
As she prayed last night,
That he would come to her,
All the while,
I listen to the same sad song,
Over,
And over.
Wondering where God goes,
Whenever I pray at night,
For this distance to disappear,
She goes on and on,
About how she's in love,
And she could die of happiness,
Yeah, and I could die of loneliness,
Meanwhile,
I fake a smile and congratulate her,
Over,
And over.
Wishing I didn't want to cry,
Because I want to be with you,
But you don't even know.
Where's my miracle?

Thanks for reading

*~erin~*

"Temporaryism has been the Black Plague and the Jesus of our age."-incubus

Master
Senior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 1867
Boston, MA

1 posted 2002-08-09 12:00 PM

I really liked the title! The poem was pretty good, although i think the ending could have been stronger. Write on! Peace

anya
Member

since 2002-07-27

Posts 393
London, UK

2 posted 2002-08-09 04:50 AM

yeah i agree with master, the title is cool!
and i enjoyed the poem as well, hope the venting helped you
anya

fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

3 posted 2002-08-09 05:02 AM

hey,
ugh i hate this feeling, you did a really good job of describing it though in my opinion. the title is good for creativity like everyone said, but personally i like the poem itself more.
-bergundy-

maybe i'll catch fire, something nice to warm me. something pure to burn away the darkness, that hides inside my mind. -alkaline trio-

anawnda
Member

since 2002-07-26

Posts 113

4 posted 2002-08-09 05:12 AM

love everything!!!!!! what can i say???? thanks!!!!!!

* you can hurt me...with your bare hands,or
you can hurt me with the sharp edge of what you said.....* jewel kilcher

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

5 posted 2002-08-09 06:57 PM

Hmm... nicely written, and I like the ending. I think you could have pulled the lines together a bit more instead of breaking it up so much.

You could have also clustered your ideas a bit, instead of smoooshing them all together like you did.

But this is a vent, so I won't focus too much on constructivity.

Like I said, the last line was good. A well-toned ending to a good poem.

Kudos.

Parasite

paper doll
Member

since 2002-08-04

Posts 133
Floating on Uncertainty

6 posted 2002-08-10 12:20 PM

First of all, very nice title. This one really caught my attention.
Not too bad for a vent but it seemed like all the lines just ran together. There wasn't any clear distinction between the ideas. Maybe break them up a bit and see where you can go from there.

~M

Imagination=nostalgia for the past, the absent; it is the liquid solution in which art develops the snapshots of reality.

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