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StellarChica
Member
since 2002-07-06
Posts 207
floating down a river...

0 posted 2002-08-08 07:23 PM



Again just me venting emotions. I've been doing that alot with my poetry lately. I

She brags of his letters,
Not to mention his phone call,
Swears she had an epiphany,
As she prayed last night,
That he would come to her,
All the while,
I listen to the same sad song,
Over,
And over.
Wondering where God goes,
Whenever I pray at night,
For this distance to disappear,
She goes on and on,
About how she's in love,
And she could die of happiness,
Yeah, and I could die of loneliness,
Meanwhile,
I fake a smile and congratulate her,
Over,
And over.
Wishing I didn't want to cry,
Because I want to be with you,
But you don't even know.
Where's my miracle?


Thanks for reading

*~erin~*


"Temporaryism has been the Black Plague and the Jesus of our age."-incubus

© Copyright 2002 Erin Reynolds - All Rights Reserved
Master
Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867
Boston, MA
1 posted 2002-08-09 12:00 PM


I really liked the title! The poem was pretty good, although i think the ending could have been stronger. Write on! Peace
anya
Member
since 2002-07-27
Posts 393
London, UK
2 posted 2002-08-09 04:50 AM


yeah i agree with master, the title is cool!
and i enjoyed the poem as well, hope the venting helped you
anya

fearing-laughter
Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)
3 posted 2002-08-09 05:02 AM


hey,
ugh i hate this feeling, you did a really good job of describing it though in my opinion.  the title is good for creativity like everyone said, but personally i like the poem itself more.
-bergundy-

maybe i'll catch fire, something nice to warm me. something pure to burn away the darkness, that hides inside my mind. -alkaline trio-

anawnda
Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 113

4 posted 2002-08-09 05:12 AM


love everything!!!!!! what can i say???? thanks!!!!!!

* you can hurt me...with your bare hands,or
you can hurt me with the sharp edge of what you said.....* jewel kilcher

Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg
5 posted 2002-08-09 06:57 PM


Hmm... nicely written, and I like the ending.  I think you could have pulled the lines together a bit more instead of breaking it up so much.

You could have also clustered your ideas a bit, instead of smoooshing them all together like you did.     But this is a vent, so I won't focus too much on constructivity.

Like I said, the last line was good.  A well-toned ending to a good poem.

Kudos.

Parasite

paper doll
Member
since 2002-08-04
Posts 133
Floating on Uncertainty
6 posted 2002-08-10 12:20 PM


First of all, very nice title. This one really caught my attention.
Not too bad for a vent but it seemed like all the lines just ran together. There wasn't any clear distinction between the ideas. Maybe break them up a bit and see where you can go from there.

~M

Imagination=nostalgia for the past, the absent; it is the liquid solution in which art develops the snapshots of reality.

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