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Teen Poetry #5
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Kick me While I'm dOwN
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Kick me While I'm dOwN |
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Purple Lightning New Member
since 2002-07-28
Posts 9Riding |
Go ahead and kick me; I'm just your little toy. Play with my heart all you'd like; You're just a stupid boy. Bite me hard and make it fast so I won't feel so much pain Screw me round till your heart's contented Baby, it's me that'll get the gain. Kiss me on the inside Hit me on the out; But if you lay a hand on me My daddy'll make you shout. Bite me hard and make it fast so I won't feel so much pain Screw me round till your heart's contented Baby, it's me that'll get the gain. So suck it up and act like a man; Quit screwing me around I'm not going to sit any longer waiting for you to make up your mind. Bite me hard and make it fast so I won't feel so much pain Screw me round till your heart's contented Baby, it's me that'll get the gain. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Purple Lightning - All Rights Reserved | |||
Skyfire 
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
Hey! Dude! Love it! |
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punkrockerrobin
since 2001-05-15
Posts 1180Sparks, NV |
totally awesome wish i could say that to a guys face! |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
I really like your attitude in this. How you're hurt but you're layin' down the line (or something like that). Welcome to Passions. See you around. (Hopefully)  "if you know me so well then tell me which hand do I use?" Tori Amos |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Go ahead and kick me; I'm just your little toy. Play with my heart all you'd like; {The play with my heart like a toy concept is quite cliche.} You're just a stupid boy. Bite me hard and make it fast so I won't feel so much pain Screw me round till your heart's contented Baby, it's me that'll get the gain. {These last two lines don't seem very cleanly worded. Contended is a mouth full here for some reason. And I still am wondering the direct purpose of the spacing in the last line.} Kiss me on the inside Hit me on the out; But if you lay a hand on me My daddy'll make you shout. {You completely contradict yourself, and I don't think this is strong enough to handle the contradiction.} Bite me hard and make it fast so I won't feel so much pain Screw me round till your heart's contented Baby, it's me that'll get the gain. {This may be a song, but being a song doesn't make it poetry. I think as a poem, the repeating of the stanza weakens the poem as a whole. But that's just my view.} So suck it up and act like a man; Quit screwing me around I'm not going to sit any longer waiting for you to make up your mind. {Around/mind don't fit well with the rhyme. Even as an approximate rhyme they don't really work, I think. Which in turn screws up the sing songy rhyme scheme. Which presents another problem. This rhyme sceme (abcb) tends to have a sing songy feel to it (for me at least) and as a poem (rather than a song) that quality brings down the seriousness of what you are trying to say.} Bite me hard and make it fast so I won't feel so much pain Screw me round till your heart's contented Baby, it's me that'll get the gain. I see where you are going. But I think that the punctuation is a little rough (which I didn't touch at all in this crit) and the rhyme scheme is a little if-y. A good concept though. Casey p.s. I apologize if I have any misspellings, I recently had complete computer failure and don't have the reliable access that I would want. If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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Purple Lightning New Member
since 2002-07-28
Posts 9Riding |
Casey, I appreciate you taking the time to read this, but perhaps you shouldn't talk to an English major about puncuation. You perhaps should also consider the possibility that I wasn't going for rhyme scheme; it came out as it did. Thank you though; maybe you'd critique a couple of my other poems? "The play with my heart like a toy concept is quite cliche." [I'm glad you think it's cliche; that's what I was aiming for ]"These last two lines don't seem very cleanly worded. Contended is a mouth full here for some reason. And I still am wondering the direct purpose of the spacing in the last line." [The spacing is there because I put it there. The last two lines may not seem very cleanly worded, but they say what I wanted to say; they work for me.] "You completely contradict yourself, and I don't think this is strong enough to handle the contradiction." [*ahem* I know I contradicted myself. I did that on purpose too. I, on the contrary, think it IS strong enough to handle it.] "This may be a song, but being a song doesn't make it poetry. I think as a poem, the repeating of the stanza weakens the poem as a whole. But that's just my view." [Who says it's a song? I think the repetition strengthens it; I'll consider your opinion though.] "Around/mind don't fit well with the rhyme. Which presents another problem. This rhyme sceme (abcb) tends to have a sing songy feel to it (for me at least) and as a poem (rather than a song) that quality brings down the seriousness of what you are trying to say." [I know they don't fit with the rhyme. Honestly, I didn't care about rhyming for this stanza, because I was feeling quite frantic by that time.] Again, thank you for taking the time to read my poem. [This message has been edited by Purple Lightning (08-04-2002 02:03 AM).] |
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Lady In White
since 2001-02-12
Posts 2799USA |
Welcome to Passions! Please, check your E-mail for a Special Greeting! write with grace, all others lose face; |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
I would hope you were going for a rhyme scheme, not many can just write and have a rhyme scheme magically appear. Also, I am just giving my opinion, so if you don't like it disregard it. There is no need for you to waste your time critting my crit if you don't like what I said. Casey And as a side note, the only part of the punctuation that I had a problem with was the initial semi colon. I keep re-reading it trying to figure out a better thing to use but can't. [This message has been edited by clve527 (08-04-2002 11:10 AM).] |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
I really enjoyed reading such a wonderful peice of work, thank you for sharing it with all of us. Andrew "If you are afraid of wolves, stay out of the woods" |
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skyshine
since 2002-02-07
Posts 3058Beneath the northern stars |
Hey Nice poem and attitude! Sometimes I think all boys are stupid!  ~Elizabeth Dreams last for so long, even after you're gone... |
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