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Another ending
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Another ending |
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Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl 
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Again you looked at me, in that way I never understood. And once again I stood there- tears treading, dampening eyelashes. And as we existed, in silent discomfort; all I could do was hold you. And at that moment, I could almost feel- my heart fall limp. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Jennifer Parker - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kevin
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729Torrington, Ct, Usa |
Hi jenn, I like your wording towards the end of this poem it carries it through nicely, I'm a little confused as to what his look means though? maybe a little more elaboration would help this have that extra umph to identify with, does he not share your feelings? or maybe his look is of love and you dont understand it because you never felt it? just one more line or two would complete this hope you dont mind my 2 cents loved existing in our silent discomfort lata |
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devil_tongue Member
since 2000-03-02
Posts 50 |
I disagree with Kevin. Anymore elaboration and it would lose all meaning. Nice use of imagery, Jenn, as usual so I'm going to message you and find out all the goss on this one. Look after yourself, chicka. *hugs* |
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Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
Thank you Kevin for your honesty, your opinion doesn't offend me, and I welcome courteous suggestions  Devil_tongue... your reply sounded familiar, and so I sleuthed a bit and searched your replies... Get on MSN sometime dork   Thanks for reading, hon.Why is it that we are at our most ingenius only when trying to destroy the things that keep us alive and thriving? |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Hi Jenn.  I've missed you, girly. I liked this, and agree with devil_tongue over there. The whole feel of the poem is short and uncomfortable, and anything longer would not make it so. I think that's what you were trying to do, anyways.. Catch ya laser.~Carly "Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions." |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Jenn- I like this one a lot. The simplicity does accentuate the discomfort of the situation and, therefore, enhances the poem, IMHO. Very nicely done. ~Vicky "...until you have read the verse on his heart, |
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Kandi Member
since 2000-06-14
Posts 354North of Hell |
Like Kevin, I'm not sure what "his look" mean either but i kind of like not knowing...the beauty of open-ended poems like this is that u can figure out ur own meaning and it gives people a chance to identify their own situation with it. Anywho, not that anyone wanted my opinion, but now u have it Very nicely doneK The day you were born, you were born free |
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