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Teen Poetry #5
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Jenn Cirrincione
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0 posted 2002-07-30 02:58 PM


Again you looked at me,
in that way I never
understood.
And once again I stood there-
tears treading,
dampening eyelashes.
And as we existed,
in silent discomfort;
all I could do was hold you.
And at that moment,
I could almost feel-
my heart fall limp.

© Copyright 2002 Jennifer Parker - All Rights Reserved
Kevin
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1 posted 2002-07-30 03:07 PM


Hi jenn,

I like your wording towards the end of this poem
it carries it through nicely, I'm a little confused as to what his look means though? maybe a little more elaboration would help this have that extra umph to identify with, does he not share your feelings? or maybe his look is of love and you dont understand it because you never felt it? just one more line or two would complete this

hope you dont mind my 2 cents

loved existing in our silent discomfort

lata

devil_tongue
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since 2000-03-02
Posts 50

2 posted 2002-07-30 08:00 PM


I disagree with Kevin. Anymore elaboration and it would lose all meaning.
Nice use of imagery, Jenn, as usual so I'm going to message you and find out all the goss on this one.

Look after yourself, chicka. *hugs*


Jenn Cirrincione
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3 posted 2002-07-31 12:42 PM


Thank you Kevin for your honesty, your opinion doesn't offend me, and I welcome courteous suggestions

Devil_tongue... your reply sounded familiar, and so I sleuthed a bit and searched your replies... Get on MSN sometime dork Thanks for reading, hon.

Why is it that we are at our most ingenius only when trying to destroy the things that keep us alive and thriving?

Child of the Stars
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4 posted 2002-07-31 11:31 AM


Hi Jenn. I've missed you, girly. I liked this, and agree with devil_tongue over there. The whole feel of the poem is short and uncomfortable, and anything longer would not make it so. I think that's what you were trying to do, anyways.. Catch ya laser.
  ~Carly

"Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions."
  ~David Borenstein

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...
5 posted 2002-08-01 09:35 PM



Jenn-
I like this one a lot.
The simplicity does accentuate the
discomfort of the situation and,
therefore, enhances the poem, IMHO.
Very nicely done.
~Vicky

"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

Kandi
Member
since 2000-06-14
Posts 354
North of Hell
6 posted 2002-08-02 12:48 PM


Like Kevin, I'm not sure what "his look" mean either but i kind of like not knowing...the beauty of open-ended poems like this is that u can figure out ur own meaning and it gives people a chance to identify their own situation with it. Anywho, not that anyone wanted my opinion, but now u have it Very nicely done
K

The day you were born, you were born free
That is your privilege.

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