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| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Sought Out |
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Kevin
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729Torrington, Ct, Usa 
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She fingered her curls with a child-like innocence Using her eyes to whisper contradiction Step after step she made clear what she wanted She got And I Was to be no exception She paused for a moment Just inches before me And smiled Like a card player raking the pot With expert precision she leaned in to ask me “Are we gonna’ go back to your place or not?” Despite all the thoughts that invaded my mind Her hand on my chest hurled me back to the moment When sliding it up ‘round my neck She then claimed me Testing my tongue to prove that I condoned it Pushing me back wearing a face of mischief She started to walk as she had just before Reeling me in with her beckoning finger I followed her aura right out the front door [This message has been edited by Kevin (07-30-2002 04:23 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Kevin Bednarz - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
It didn't flow as well as it could have. I think it still needs a little work, but I really enjoy these capture-the-moment poems you write. I really liked the "Testing my tongue" line and the ending was good too. |
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LCBS Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532Connecticut |
bump  |
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*~p.r.i.n.c.e.s.s.~* Junior Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 38 |
i really really like your style of writing alot.... good job!  |
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Kandi Member
since 2000-06-14
Posts 354North of Hell |
Not that Master's opinion isnt legit, but i disagree with it...I really enjoyed this and think its awesome the way it is. The little details are what give this character ("She fingered her curls with a child-like innocence") and the lust is so strongly described. Excellent work. And on a side note, I've read some of your replies to other posts and i admire your opinions - you're very constructive with your criticisms and suggestions. When/if inspiration ever find me again, I'd be curious to hear your reaction. Enuff babbling - to bed with me Kaylee The day you were born, you were born free |
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Xaphan Junior Member
since 2002-05-29
Posts 22 |
One thing I've found when writing about lust is that you're walking a really fine line -- you either slip over to one side, which is slutty, or the other, which is corny. I think you walked that line perfectly -- great work! Kind of leaves me wondering, although I know what's gonna happen (I read Cosmo). *ahem* I'm gonna go now. I'm about to breach the limits of good taste LOL  |
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punkrockerrobin
since 2001-05-15
Posts 1180Sparks, NV |
ummm kevin dear most of my comments are not gonna be said i will bite my tongue but hun you can do better that's all i am gonna say! |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
I'm with master on this one. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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punkrockerrobin
since 2001-05-15
Posts 1180Sparks, NV |
i forgot to add something..... *does the happy dance* WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LISA'S BROTHER IS BACK WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO welcome back cutie!! kevin kevin hes our man if he can't do it no one can!!! |
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LCBS Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532Connecticut |
I was joking before about the "lisa's brother" thing Robin. I think it is kind of demeaning to call him that. Not only was he at piptalk first, but he is a much better poet. Lets stick with Kevin and Lisa.... ~Lisa |
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Lady In White
since 2001-02-12
Posts 2799USA |
Enjoyed this, Kevin, very much... I think it was said above that this walked the fine line... indeed it did...very well... write with grace, all others lose face; |
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Tomer Senior Member
since 2002-06-28
Posts 1168Michigan |
Hey Kevin- I enjoyed this piece a lot! I particulary enjoyed the line, "She fingered her curls with a child-like innocence". I loved the imagery, well done. Tomer |
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