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Aware Of Yourself
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Aware Of Yourself |
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StellarChica Member
since 2002-07-06
Posts 207floating down a river... |
This poem needs some serious work. So feel free to give me some tips but don't be too mean. Are you aware of yourself, And what you do to me? With the slightest smile, You can set my soul free. Are you aware of yourself, And how flawless you are in my eyes? One slight touch from your smooth skin, And my independence dies. Are you aware of yourself, And the torture you put me through? One sweet word from your mouth, And I'll devote my life to you. Thanks for reading  *~erin~* "If it's healthier to leave you be, may a sickness come and set me free. Kill me while I still believe that you were meant for me."-Yellowcard [This message has been edited by StellarChica (07-25-2002 11:19 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Erin Reynolds - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Pollita Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 220the unknown realm of insanity |
I can so relate to that!I love that poem.Thanks for sharing.I know you wrote that poem but i can think of one person i deticate that to even though i can't really deticate the poem but it mde me smile and it made me think of someone.Thanks |
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StellarChica Member
since 2002-07-06
Posts 207floating down a river... |
I'm glad you liked my poem even when I thought it was no good Thanks!"Longing for home again but home is a feeling I buried in you."-Greenwheel |
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Pollita Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 220the unknown realm of insanity |
It was really good!Thank you so much for sharing you work. this like---WOW---it really related to me. I'm glad that you posted it! |
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Riley 
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain |
Ok, I really liked this poem. Particularly because I can relate to it so well. I'm sure you don't wanna hear my sob story because it is pretty long but if you do e-mail at clink4u@aol.com. Or check out my poem called Untitled in teen poetry. It explains everything. And I loved this poem. It did a great job of explaining things, just how I felt. And I also have someone I could dedicate this to but yet it is not mine, so I shall not. E-mail me if you can. ~*Riley*~ Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before-Edgar Allen Poe |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
I don't know how set you are on the rhyme scheme, but I think that the fact that you are using it takes away from the poem. Are you aware of yourself, And what you do to me? {For instance, these two lines could be "Are you aware of what you do to me?" But the main problem is this is close to cliche.} With the slightest smile, You can set my soul free. {This is cliche. Try to give us an image.} Are you aware of yourself, And how flawless you are in my eyes? {I think the change in line lengths is awkward, especially with a rhyme scheme.} One slight touch from your smooth skin, {Smooth is used so often in a case like this, use a thesaurus and surprise the reader with a different word, try and keep them on their toes.} And my independence dies. Are you aware of yourself, And the torture you put me through? One sweet word from your mouth, And I'll devote my life to you. It's fine as an emotion piece. But I think, if you are interested in becoming a better writer, you should try some different exercises. For instance, a good way to incorporate imagery is to write about an object, like an apple or a plant. It will force you to rely on the picture you paint rather than the emotion behind it. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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anya Member
since 2002-07-27
Posts 393London, UK |
liked this alot, nice to see such strong emotions anya |
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StellarChica Member
since 2002-07-06
Posts 207floating down a river... |
I have to say that I agree with everything Casey said. This piece was kind of forced a little when it came to the rhyming and some of it was cliche but the emotion is real and I think I described it as well as I could. Thanks to all of you who read it *~erin~* "Longing for home again but home is a feeling I buried in you."-Greenwheel |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
You really should try some writing exercises. You have the talent there, and if you worked at you really could be very good. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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*~p.r.i.n.c.e.s.s.~* Junior Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 38 |
~*~ErIn~*~ i DuNnO wHaT tHeYrE aLl TalKiN' aBoUt, CuZ i ThOuGhT tHiS wAs ToTaLlY aWeSoMe!!! LoL, BuT tHaNx FoR tHE nOtE yA lEfT mE!! lUv AlWaYZ.&.4eVeR ~*~bRiTt~*~ |
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