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| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
In these moments you breath, I breath And you tell me that you'd like to marry me someday while I'm thinking about how bad I want a cigarette "if you know me so well then tell me which hand do I use?" Tori Amos [This message has been edited by Dark Enchantress (07-23-2002 11:37 PM).] |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
I know everyone is probably going to say 'I don't like it' or 'I don't get it' but oh well. True story. As always. I just didn't feel like being all lyrical. So here you go, as plain as it gets. I promise there was something behind it though. I'm not just shooting random [censored] out of my [censored]. You know what I mean. "if you know me so well then tell me which hand do I use?" Tori Amos |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Okay, I think this could seriously benefit from punctuation. And also I don't see the benefit of the staggered spacing. In these moments you breath, I breath {I think these two lines could easily be eliminated all together without a loss to the poem.} And you tell me that you'd like to marry me someday while I'm thinking about how bad I want a cigarette This is just how I view this, you can ignore it if you so desire. You tell me that you'd like to marry me someday, but all I can think of is how badly I want a cigarette. That is just how I see this poem. Even as it stands I really like it, definitely a good piece. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
I originally added the whole breathing part to just kind of put the image of two people "caught in time" so to speak. I suppose that if I had gone into depth it would have given off that effect, but since I didn't it added nothing to the poem. I like the simplicity of the poem though so I won't add more crap to it. Thanks for that insight. The reason I spaced the lines out a bit was just to kind of emphasize on the disconnected feelings I had, but I suppose that really only makes sense in my own head. Funny how it always works out that way. lol Anywho, as always thanks for your honesty. I'll think about it all more when my mind isn't feeling as lazy. "if you know me so well then tell me which hand do I use?" Tori Amos |
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fearing-laughter Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605land of cheese (Wisconsin) |
hey, as usual, this was a pretty good poem, don't think i've read one by you that i've hated. this one made me smile, the guy is like pledging his love for you and you're like "eh whatever" haha. i don't know,that is amusing to me. -bergundy- maybe i'll catch fire, something nice to warm me. something pure to burn away the darkness, that hides inside my mind. -alkaline trio- |
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Spine Grinder Senior Member
since 2000-10-28
Posts 1127Standing In Silence... |
i liked this and agree with Fearing-Laughter, its amusing. good write.  ~In the end..it doesn't even matter...~LP |
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PoetryIsLife 
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Hey Memina, I can dig it.  I like this one. Though, there hasn't been one in the last year I haven't liked, has there?  Are you in N.C. right now? Or is he out there with you? I seem to remember you saying he was coming into town recently. Anyhow, looking forward to talking tonight. I enjoyed the poem, nothing much I'd change. I might do a few words differently, like so: "In these moments you breath, I breath And you tell me that you'd like to marry me someday while I'm thinking about how bad I want a cigarette" to: "In these moments you breath, I breath You tell me that you'd like to marry me someday All the while I'm thinking about just how bad I want a cigarette." Sincerely, SaVerite As I'm out there, walking, searching, for myself, for you.... won't you join me? Let's walk this journey together. |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
"In these moments you breath, I breath" By the way, I really love this first stanza.  Sincerely, SaVerite As I'm out there, walking, searching, for myself, for you.... won't you join me? Let's walk this journey together. |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
Yeah, he's here for two weeks. Lucky girl. It's been fun. I haven't killed him yet, but I confess to having tried. Thanks for your comments. It's been a while since I've spoken to you. I was starting to get pissed off. lol I painted my wall again. Adding to the rest of the murals. Spiffy, eh? I'll send you a picture of the changes soon. Chow. Cheerio. Peace out. *waves* "if you know me so well then tell me which hand do I use?" Tori Amos |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
We hadn't talked for, what, a week wasn't it? *grins* It was quite bizarre, indeed. Anyhow, glad that busy few weeks are done and over with. Now a whole new set of situations to try, note try, and handle. *chuckles* "They say that a hero can save us. I'm not gonne stand here and wait..." Love ya. Sincererly, SaVerite As I'm out there, walking, searching, for myself, for you.... won't you join me? Let's walk this journey together. |
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Permiabilities Junior Member
since 2002-07-05
Posts 27 |
hey...isnt it supposed to be breathe? instead of breath |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Yes it should be breathe instead of breath. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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shadowchild458 Member
since 2002-07-10
Posts 117MN,USA |
clve, i think you take the poem way too seriously. it's a good poem and i like it. it's short, to the point yet effective and as always i may be giving too much sugar but hey i'm addicted, anyways the spacing is fine, it gives more power to the words as it causes a slight hesitation in the readers voice (i read poetry out loud always) i like it a lot as always. life may just take a while but i guess heaven's worth the wait |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
I apologize, I have goals of becoming a writer. Maybe I should just drop them and go around telling everyone that everything they write is great. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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Spine Grinder Senior Member
since 2000-10-28
Posts 1127Standing In Silence... |
yeah maybe u should ~In the end..it doesn't even matter...~LP |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
Would you guys mellow out? I mean it's my poem he's commenting on for christ sake and if I'm not offended then why should you be? It's okay to disagree, but let's not all start getting silly about it. And yes, it should be 'breathe' but me being the most intelligent person in the world decided to test everyone here to see if they'd notice. Good work you guys. Keep it up. "if you know me so well then tell me which hand do I use?" Tori Amos |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Something humorous to me: I didn't notice. In my head, I just said "breathe." Hmm. Anyhow.  Memina, would you kick him off the bloody computer? I see his bugger sn on, but never yours.  *wink* Sincerely, Titus "They say that a hero can save us. I'm not gonna stand here and wait..." |
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Pollita Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 220the unknown realm of insanity |
i liked the poem...But not that much it just didn't click with me.thats my problem it was really good though.your talented keep it up!Oh and casey can you please check out my 3 poems i really want your opion!Thanks |
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