can't think of a fitting title

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Teen Poetry #5

can't think of a fitting title

sillywilly
Junior Member

since 2002-06-25

Posts 33
oklahoma

0 posted 2002-07-22 02:07 AM

Who knew that this feeling of control-
that I can control my destiny
that I am in total control
could take me so high that I lose myself
in this feeling and hope that
I am never found

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

1 posted 2002-07-22 02:12 AM

i think you used the word control FAR too much.

it made the piece sound repetetive and forced.

and is there any reason why you didn't put a single punctuation mark in the whole piece?

/jen/

so foul and fair a day i have not seen. - macbeth act 1, scene 3

shadowchild458
Member

since 2002-07-10

Posts 117
MN,USA

2 posted 2002-07-23 01:29 AM

i think in the second line you should use a different word besides control. it needs to be more powerful and expressive if it's going to be short. sillywilly rhymes but it's not poetry right? so it may look like poetry, sound like poetry, but may not be expressive like poetry that gets lots of comments..sorry i'm harsh but you didn't say that i shouldn't be so i went right ahead and said what was on my mind.

life may just take a while but i guess heaven's worth the wait

AKJ

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