»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #5
»
Saturday
| Teen Poetry #5 |
|
Saturday |
|
|
clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
The only time he ever said I love you was over dinner, on random Saturdays while eating Chinese takeout. Those words were never uttered as we kissed goodnight, under the crisp darkness of a new moon. Rather, they were spoken between mouthfuls of lo-mein and fortune cookie, whose fortune was never read. Casey *You asked for it so here, another poem for all the people who despise me to come in and call it crap.* If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... [This message has been edited by clve527 (07-20-2002 09:59 AM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2002 clve527 - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Check the grammar in the third stanza. Check out my poetry here: http://www.unknownpoets.com/db/authors/master [This message has been edited by Master (07-20-2002 12:16 AM).] |
||
quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
it's |despise|. just thought i should let you know. /jen/ so foul and fair a day i have not seen. - macbeth act 1, scene 3 |
||
|
kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
casey, i actually thought it wasn't crap..  hmm, i found this a thought-provoking read...i raised my eyebrows for it must be oddly romantic for your man to say "i love you" while he's still chewing his food...i dig the ending...made me wonder why the fortune is never read...probably the characters are too busy affirming their love for each other huh?? er, do you mind if i say that i feel the title is a tad weak? entice the reader with a more interesting title? |
||
|
clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Regarding the title, it is a part of a series that I completed with the days of the week. And master, what about the third stanza? Please inform me. And I apologize profusely for my misspelling of despise. I would be interested in what you thought of the poem though. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... [This message has been edited by clve527 (07-20-2002 09:34 AM).] |
||
Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
Casey, in all honesty, this is the first poem of yours I've read (most likely due to my laziness and lack of an internet connection) and I have to say it was unlike most things I've read in the past few days. I enjoyed it. |
||
|
LCBS Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532Connecticut |
As for the poem, it was well written, and I liked the message. I am sorry I can not critique it, but that is just not me. However, I found a reason to appreciate your posts(this is quite an accomplishment for me, because I was not enjoying them before). What you say, whether or not it is true, causes the most controversy I have seen on here in a while. This controversy boosts the number of posts, and even I find myself visiting more often just to see what Casey said today. So thank you, thank you for keeping piptalk teen forum #5 alive |
||
Greeneyes
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind |
If you are going to correct someone, be sure that's what they want, if you are offering critique to someone’s poem make sure they have stated that…..This is a family place, and we all try to “get” along and offer words of encouraging matter…..instead of being so negative all the time, offer a positive attitude and maybe more will respond to you openly, and kindly. With Warm Regard, Greeneyes~ The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket I lean against the wind pretend I am weightless and in this moment I am happy [This message has been edited by Greeneyes (07-21-2002 01:33 AM).] |
||
|
clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Okay, if you look at every critique I have made, it is on people that have requested it. So if one more person tells me that I will rip my hair out. And a critique is a critique, it is not mean or nice it is simply suggestions on the poem. And if honesty is not permited here then please put a big banner on the site somewhere stating as much. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
||
|
devil_tongue Member
since 2000-03-02
Posts 50 |
This piece completely reminds me of a guy that I know. Creepy...Anyway, I did enjoy this one. There are a couple of people that used to post in here that had this type of style. It's different, fresh and I rather enjoyed it. Thanks for the read. Life is not about pastels. |
||
|
chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
clve527- And interesting yet short read. Poetic in a journal kind of tone. Nicely done. Do you by any chance like Chinese food? ^^ "The only time he ever said I love you was over dinner, on random Saturdays while eating Chinese takeout" -The first line did catch my attention, however, I found it lacking in strength. I could be the journalistic tone that you used, but it's nothing to worry about. Perhaps you could add a stanza before describing the scene? Just a thought. "under the crisp darkness of a new moon." -It was good of you to catch an easy mistake as new moons do NOT appear. ^^ "Rather, they were spoken between mouthfuls of lo-mein and fortune cookie, whose fortune was never read." -I like the way your stanzas move to become of even greater significance as it goes on. Makes sense that way. I like the line break you used. I hope to see more from you! -Leah- Va pensiero sul' ali dorate... |
||
|
Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
Oh for cryin' out loud people... you don't know what harsh criticizm is. "if you know me so well then tell me which hand do I use?" Tori Amos |
||
|
quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
oh so true jaime, so true. now onto the poem. i must say that i was not a big fan of it the first few reads, but i admit, it has started to grow on me. most often in poetry, the most you get comes from between the words, however in this piece there is so much to get out of the words themselves. without shining sunshine up your ass, the words you chose were strung together beautifully in a simplistic sort of manner. a type of writing that i really appreciate as it shows a great deal of humility and lack of pretention. and blah blah blah. cudos and ketchup on a nice write. /jen/ so foul and fair a day i have not seen. - macbeth act 1, scene 3 |
||
|
crier of pain New Member
since 2002-07-14
Posts 1USA |
I thought that this poem was really well written. I like the style, and I get the feeling from the other replies that I'm one of the few who do. It's very modern, and it doesn't rhyme, which is one of the reasons that I like it, the ironic part is that mine normally rhyme (weird huh???). Anyway, great poem, keep writing!!! ~~~Crier of Pain :*(~~~ |
||
|
Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
I didn't go into it before because quite frankly I didn't feel like it, but now I'm more in the mood to. I like this style a lot, especially when its done well. It comes across as rather plain, yet it has depth to it as well as a confessional feel which I personally favor. I'm not exactly sure what I'm getting at but it made sense in my head.. "if you know me so well then tell me which hand do I use?" Tori Amos |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
