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Teen Poetry #5
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How long can I hang on?
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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How long can I hang on? |
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Riley 
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain 
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I know my grammer in this is kinda bad, but give me some suggestions on how to fix it please. Last night as I lay I started to think About you and me and life together I smiled as I thought About your laugh I knew that you loved me Or so you say But still something tugged At my heart Like the tide ebbing up and down The slow and slient beach Your love was ebbing across my heart And I knew I couldn't take it Yet I still hung on I refuse to give you up I knew that someday you would be gone But I held you for so long And I had my payback on that day Your drove off in your car I can still see the tears in my eyes Reflecting the hate in your heart My heart sank and I cryed for days I didn't know what to do But I know now that I will never lose you For you are in my memory And in my heart forever |
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| © Copyright 2002 Riley Grant - All Rights Reserved | |||
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
But since you did not request critique, there isn't a good chance that you will get help with your grammar. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... [This message has been edited by clve527 (07-21-2002 01:48 AM).] |
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LCBS Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532Connecticut |
Good job! I liked it a lot, but I am not very good with grammar myself, so I don't know if I can help you out in that area. Welcome to Passions ~Lisa |
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Riley
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain |
To LCBS: I know, even though I do really good generally in that area I can't think of the correct usage here. My spelling isn't all that awesome either. But thank you for your comment. I try to capture certain things and I hope I am doing so. ~*Riley*~ |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
i'm just wondering why the majority of people on this board utterly REFUSE to use ANY punctuation whatsoever. it boggles the mind. what would you think if everyone spoke in a constant monotone? /jen/ so foul and fair a day i have not seen. - macbeth act 1, scene 3 |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
I would personally think that my mind was going to cave in, and if it didn't I would force it to. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
A good poem for starters. A few critiques and suggestions (The square brackets are what I added): "Last night as I lay I started to think About you and me and life together[.] I smiled as I thought About your laugh[.]" "Like the tide ebbing up and down The slow and slient beach Your love was ebbing across my heart And I knew I couldn't take it[.]" -You could try to use another word for ebbing. It just seems a bit repetitive and the strength the stanza once held is lost. "Yet I still hung on I refuse to give you up" -I don't know if you meant you presently refuse to give her up. However, "refused" does sound a bit better since the rest of the poem (I think) is written in past tense. ^^ "My heart sank and I cryed for days" -Cryed--> cried. Small thing. Easily fixed. ^_^; In my personal opinion, the poem was a bit long for a single idea, so it was more like a rant. But it's not a bad thing. Grammar wasn't much of an issue here, so don't worry about that either. ^_^ Key critique here is to keep it short and to the point. I hope I can just practice what I preach, eh? All the best in the future! Keep the poems coming! -Leah- Va pensiero sul' ali dorate... |
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