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i am my father..(repost)
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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i am my father..(repost) |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore 
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searching frantically for my wallet i remembered distinctly i had placed it around s o m e w h e r e.... seconds gallop, then minutes "they are going to slaughter me!" muttering absentmindedly, i turned on the lights, waking up my mum, (she's a light sleeper), rummaged my piles of paper i should have thrown out a long time ago and other assorted mess, started sweating, cursing and repeatedly reminding myself this won't happen again (the skeptical back of my mind going "yup, as if!") my mum, in a lousy mood, groaned audibly (this is how she chooses to communicate) "you are just like your father" i paused, defended my case passionately, smiled He would have been proud |
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| © Copyright 2002 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved | |||
Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Kaile~ I just LOVE this~ '"you are just like your father" i paused, defended my case passionately, smiled He would have been proud' What a lovely compliment to father AND son~ *Hugs* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
The first thing that comes to mind is the lack of capitalization of I. I don't know if you have a purpose behind it, but if you don't then there is no reason to leave them without capitalization. Everything in a poem must have a specific purpose because there are so few words compared to a lot prose. Also the 'cuteness' on somewhere, well why do you do it? I think this really would benefit from some actual punctuation. searching frantically for my wallet {A comma would work well here.} i remembered distinctly i had placed it around s o m e w h e r e.... {Around somewhere? I don't think sounds very good or very poetic, maybe work something else in. Possibly a place or something else.} seconds gallop, then minutes "they are going to slaughter me!" {They? It's confusing to the reader when you add people that you don't continue to have in the poem. Is the they necessary?} muttering absentmindedly, i turned on the lights, {Turned is a boring word, since there isn't much imagery to this poem, what about making a thesaurus your friend and spice up that turned.} waking up my mum, (she's a light sleeper), {Is this necessary? Do you really need this line for the basis of the poem?} rummaged my piles of paper {Who is rummaging? You need to either have an I here, or use rummaging instead I believe. Also through would be a wise addition placed before my.} i should have thrown out a long time ago and other assorted mess, {The commas are making this 'sentence' go on forever. Besides a lot of this is unneeded information, I think this piece could really be cut down a lot.} started sweating, cursing and repeatedly reminding myself this won't happen again {These two lines I think could be brought up much sooner, and take the place of the previous lines. I think you could keep the rummaging through paper lines, but add some imagery to them. Other than that there is many 'excess baggage' lines that could be easily removed without losing meaning.} (the skeptical back of my mind going "yup, as if!") {Conscience instead maybe. Back of my mind is just too much I think.} my mum, in a lousy mood, groaned audibly {Groaning usually has a bad connotation anyway, so 'in a lousy mood' really isn't needed.} (this is how she chooses to communicate) {This really isn't needed, I think.} "you are just like your father" i paused, defended my case passionately, smiled {And smiled.} He would have been proud {You could remove this line into it's own stanza.} If you are interested, I could come back and make suggestions on punctuation. But if not that is fine. I like the topic of this poem, and I think with some editing it could really be very good. Casey [This message has been edited by clve527 (07-20-2002 12:25 PM).] |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
thanks Marge for taking the time to read and for your compliment..  casey, a million thanks for that no-holds-barred critique!!  ..i am reeling from embarrassment now because i thought i have submitted a somewhat decent piece but ARGH! i agree with most of your comments and it's back to the drawing board for me...i have been writing for three years and it saddens me to know that i am still writing this kind of drivel...  why the lack of capitalization of i...hmmm, i have this tendency to downplay myself in my musings...no particular reason(or excuse) really but i feel more comfortable writing about myself in the lower case "i"..sort of not drawing attention to mundane boring moi... the cuteness on somewhere? well, when i search for my misplaced stuff, i always go, "darn it, i know i have left it sommewhereeee"(i naturally prolong my pronunciation of that word)~just thought that i would try to reflect that here... if you don't mind giving me tips, i would be most happy to accept..punctuation is one of my weak points..though i must say i have wasted enough of your time...i will make sure i edit and edit and edit properly myself before i ever ask you to critique me again...  |
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