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my week freewill
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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my week freewill |
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Deep_Inside Member
since 2002-02-14
Posts 377i can't stop hiding |
hello to you and nothing back blank stair, sigh and nothing back siting close close to you this is all i want to do if i've changed we both know the answer is yes and no yes i have change that we both know i have never changed but i'll never tell you no your bite on my neck wonderfull grusome dreams holding hands leaning on me nothing is different it seems but thats all you want your never going to see you don't want me back all you wnat is a different me don't ask, i've changed i always will but remember i have a week freewill
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| © Copyright 2002 Matt - All Rights Reserved | |||
Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
hi there Deep_Inside It's nice to read your work I believe this is the first of yours that I've read I love your style, simple but direct to the point Just a little incorrect spelling though But keep it up, hope to see more soon là où est mon amour? |
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sillywilly Junior Member
since 2002-06-25
Posts 33oklahoma |
Hi, I like your poem. You seem to get to heart of the matter. |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Reading this, I wonder if you prepared it for viewing. It's plagued with misspellings and a feeling of reading a journal entry. The four line stanza does not fit every poem. Expand some. Cut this down to what really matters and show us a poem that has as much of your talent as it does of your feelings. hello to you and nothing back {What about but rather than and?} blank stair, sigh {The use of sigh here does not help the feel that this has of being a journal entry. And are you talking about the thing we climb up?} and nothing back {Same thing with the swapping of but and and.} siting close close to you this is all i want to do {These four lines can be easily trimmed into one line. Which could then be transformed into something poetic.} if i've changed {Is there a reasoning for not capitalizing I?} we both know the answer is yes and no {You are telling us a lot about the situation, but showing us nothing. Poetry, in its best forms, balance showing and telling.} yes i have change {Change or changed?} that we both know {It's never a good idea to inverse the natural order of word structure. It makes the poem hard to digest, and causes some readers to sigh and not want to continue.} i have never changed {How can you go from changing to not changing?} but i'll never tell you no your bite on my neck wonderfull grusome dreams {Incorrect spelling of wonderful.} holding hands leaning on me nothing is different it seems but thats all you want your never going to see {You're not your.} you don't want me back all you wnat is a different me {Want. Did you even proofread this before you posted it?} don't ask, i've changed i always will but remember i have a week freewill {Weak.} You completely lost me with the ending. The spelling errors made me think that you don't care about your reader, which is the person/s that you need to ALWAYS keep in mind when writing. Because after all, unless you plan on only keeping what you write in a journal, the reader is who you should be writing this for. Casey |
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Deep_Inside Member
since 2002-02-14
Posts 377i can't stop hiding |
Casey: i'm sorry that you didn't like my poem, and i'm. glad the you pointed out the misspilings but PLEASE!!!!! don't ever try to teel me what i sould say in my poems, how i should say and why i sould say it. you have no room to tell me what i should change i'll tell you i don't write to the reader i don't even care if no one replies to my works. i write to me from me for me. [This message has been edited by Deep_Inside (07-09-2002 02:30 AM).] |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
I believe poetry doesn't have to rhyme or it's line don't have to flow like rhyming poetry all the time. Just a couple of wrong spelling, the rest of the poem is written in the writer's like (there has to be a reason for it). great job Deep là où est mon amour? |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Then, if those are your intentions, then your writing is more appropriate for a journal. Poetry is an art, and the reader SHOULD expect nothing less that something artful. Plain and simple. If you have no aspirations of making what you write into actual poetry, then why waste the time of true, honest readers? Casey [This message has been edited by clve527 (07-09-2002 09:24 PM).] |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Poetry, like others, comes in different shapes and sizes. Yes there are meters we could use to follow in writing, but poetry is not only made around it. Poetry is also an expression of ones self and exploration of poetry outside of a meter does not mean that it is bad. là où est mon amour? |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Deep_Inside, it's clear to me that you write your poetry for and to yourself. You expess your innermost feelings, and you most surely should continue to do so. You'll always find readers here who will relate to you. clve527 - I see that you enjoy critiquing others' work. That's great - Many of our poets want such feedback. You're new with us, so I'll make a couple of suggestions for you. First, check the individual author's note on your reply screen to confirm that they do, in fact, want critique. Some do, and some don't. If not, please offer your feedback to another. Also, you might consider reading more in the Critical Analysis forum. Anyone who posts there is looking for critique - It's a given, and you can offer your thoughts to all posts therein. Please remember that our rule of thumb is a simple one - RESPECT the poet. Feel free to critique a poem; but please refrain from making statements which criticize the poet personally. Then, perhaps you'd like to edit your own spellings on your comment? "Than" and "aspirations" seem to be misspelled. If your post is more than 24 hrs old, a moderator can help you. |
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DancinQueen
since 2000-07-29
Posts 1092Kokomo,IN,USA |
im just going to keep my mouth shut about the above reply.... but neways, i do appreciate the lack of proofreading, bc it shows your raw emotion and sometimes those make for the best pieces of work. keep it up and dont let a few criticisms get you down  -dq **You can't always trust the people you want to** |
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