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Teen Poetry #5
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Edited Version of My First Poem
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Edited Version of My First Poem |
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StellarChica Member
since 2002-07-06
Posts 207floating down a river... |
I got a comment on the last line of this not really working and I agree..it was kind of cliched and dumb but at the time I couldn't think of anything else to write. So it used to be 'Too bad she wasn't strong enough to catch him when he fell.' but as you can see it has been changed tell me what you think about it now... He sits alone on the boardwalk in the middle of the night, Wishing he could see the stars, But all he sees is the velvet black. He can't even see the ocean, Until the waves come crashing down. He was blind, But she had perfect vision, Too bad she couldn't see how much he depended on her. He walks down to the sand, Builds the perfect castle, Only to have it trampled as soon as he turns away. He stays out all night, To meet the sun in the morning, Instead the clouds roll in and rain on him. He was weak, But she was strong, Too bad she wasn't strong enough to hold him steady when the tide came in. Thanks for reading  [This message has been edited by StellarChica (07-08-2002 09:27 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Erin Reynolds - All Rights Reserved | |||
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StellarChica Member
since 2002-07-06
Posts 207floating down a river... |
hmmm...no one is replying...oh well... |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
It generally takes quite a while. And even so, it's best not to expect anything. *shrugs* So, I thought it was interesting. I like poems that tell a story. Have a mix of literal and figurative. I'm not sure if that's how you intended it, but that's what I got. Do you mind if I ask what part of Maryland? The only reason I'm asking is because I live in MD, although hopfully not for much longer. Just curious. Thanks for posting this. It's nice to see new faces... new styles.. hope to see more from you. [Jaime] "I think I would like to call myself 'the girl who wanted to be God'." Sylvia Plath [This message has been edited by Dark Enchantress (07-06-2002 07:02 PM).] |
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punkrockerrobin 
since 2001-05-15
Posts 1180Sparks, NV |
great poem please check your mail for a special greeting! |
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Deep_Inside Member
since 2002-02-14
Posts 377i can't stop hiding |
welcome i like the poem. it had a warm sadness to it. thanks for the read, i hope to read more of your poems. |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Welcome to Passions.  I'm glad you've given me the freedom to say whatever I want. You're a wise person. I like narratives, most of the time, and I do like this one..but it's kinda..hrm..weak. I can't pinpoint much that's really wrong with it, I just don't feel that it has that..power. I think I would be less indifferent, though, if the ending wasn't so overused. That last line does your piece a bit of injustice..but that's only my opinion... Again, welcome, and I hope you enjoy your stay..I also hope to read more of you, 'cause you seem pretty promising.~Carly "Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions." |
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MidnightSon Member
since 2002-05-15
Posts 312between the gutter & the stars |
"He walks down to the sand, Builds the perfect castle, Only to have it trampled as soon as he turns away. He stays out all night, To meet the sun in the morning," i like that part. it makes a lot of sense to me... welcome, enjoy your stay in this joint. it's our struggle for identity that leaves us all unknown |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!! welcome, welcome, welcome I hope you enjoy this lovely place happy reading and sharing as well Ok, say whatever I want...... The poem and the idea is good, but it's missing something Something that right now, I can't pinpoint I'll get back to you on this là où est mon amour? |
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Lovely_Kris Member
since 2000-07-11
Posts 176 |
Welcome I really enjoyed your poem I thought it was great. I hope to read more and keep up the great work. Lovely_Kris |
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StellarChica Member
since 2002-07-06
Posts 207floating down a river... |
nobody has read my edited version...but thanks to all of you guys who liked it
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