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StellarChica
Member
since 2002-07-06
Posts 207
floating down a river...

0 posted 2002-07-06 02:58 PM


I got a comment on the last line of this not really working and I agree..it was kind of cliched and dumb but at the time I couldn't think of anything else to write. So it used to be 'Too bad she wasn't strong enough to catch him when he fell.' but as you can see it has been changed tell me what you think about it now...

He sits alone on the boardwalk in the middle of the night,
Wishing he could see the stars,
But all he sees is the velvet black.
He can't even see the ocean,
Until the waves come crashing down.
He was blind,
But she had perfect vision,
Too bad she couldn't see how much he depended on her.
He walks down to the sand,
Builds the perfect castle,
Only to have it trampled as soon as he turns away.
He stays out all night,
To meet the sun in the morning,
Instead the clouds roll in and rain on him.
He was weak,
But she was strong,
Too bad she wasn't strong enough to hold him steady when the tide came in.


Thanks for reading

[This message has been edited by StellarChica (07-08-2002 09:27 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 Erin Reynolds - All Rights Reserved
StellarChica
Member
since 2002-07-06
Posts 207
floating down a river...
1 posted 2002-07-06 03:17 PM


hmmm...no one is replying...oh well...
Dark Enchantress
Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258
meet Morgana
2 posted 2002-07-06 06:59 PM


It generally takes quite a while. And even so, it's best not to expect anything. *shrugs*

So, I thought it was interesting. I like poems that tell a story. Have a mix of literal and figurative. I'm not sure if that's how you intended it, but that's what I got.

Do you mind if I ask what part of Maryland? The only reason I'm asking is because I live in MD, although hopfully not for much longer. Just curious.

Thanks for posting this. It's nice to see new faces... new styles.. hope to see more from you.


[Jaime]

"I think I would like to call myself 'the girl who wanted to be God'." Sylvia Plath


[This message has been edited by Dark Enchantress (07-06-2002 07:02 PM).]

punkrockerrobin
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Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 1180
Sparks, NV
3 posted 2002-07-06 09:13 PM


great poem please check your mail for a special greeting!

http://cgi6.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewSellersOtherItems&userid=hardcorerobin&include=0&since=-1&sort=3&rows=25

Deep_Inside
Member
since 2002-02-14
Posts 377
i can't stop hiding
4 posted 2002-07-07 05:40 PM


welcome
i like the poem. it had a warm sadness to it. thanks for the read, i hope to read more of your poems.


Child of the Stars
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Senior Member
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658
Ann Arbor, MI
5 posted 2002-07-07 08:36 PM


Welcome to Passions.

I'm glad you've given me the freedom to say whatever I want. You're a wise person. I like narratives, most of the time, and I do like this one..but it's kinda..hrm..weak. I can't pinpoint much that's really wrong with it, I just don't feel that it has that..power. I think I would be less indifferent, though, if the ending wasn't so overused. That last line does your piece a bit of injustice..but that's only my opinion... Again, welcome, and I hope you enjoy your stay..I also hope to read more of you, 'cause you seem pretty promising.

  ~Carly

"Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions."
  ~David Borenstein

MidnightSon
Member
since 2002-05-15
Posts 312
between the gutter & the stars
6 posted 2002-07-08 05:01 AM


"He walks down to the sand,
Builds the perfect castle,
Only to have it trampled as soon as he turns away.
He stays out all night,
To meet the sun in the morning,"

i like that part. it makes a lot of sense to me...
welcome,
enjoy your stay in this joint.

it's our struggle for identity that leaves us all unknown

Acies
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665
Twilight Zone
7 posted 2002-07-08 10:16 AM


WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!!

welcome, welcome, welcome
I hope you enjoy this lovely place
happy reading and sharing as well

Ok, say whatever I want......
The poem and the idea is good, but it's missing something
Something that right now, I can't pinpoint
I'll get back to you on this

là où est mon amour?
donde está mi amour?
wo ist meine Liebe?
Nelly Furtado é a menina a mais bonita no mundo largo do todo.


Lovely_Kris
Member
since 2000-07-11
Posts 176

8 posted 2002-07-08 12:54 PM


Welcome I really enjoyed your poem I thought it was great. I hope to read more and keep up the great work.

Lovely_Kris

StellarChica
Member
since 2002-07-06
Posts 207
floating down a river...
9 posted 2002-07-09 01:38 PM


nobody has read my edited version...but thanks to all of you guys who liked it


"Do you like dreaming of things so impossible or only the practical or ever the wild?"-Dashboard Confessional

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