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allie
Member

since 2001-07-09

Posts 218
Australia

0 posted 2002-07-03 04:08 AM

Hey guys,

It's been a while, can't see many names i recognise... i'll have to read all the newer members stuff...

Sorry it's been so long... havent had the time to write

and have had a major case of writer's block...

Hope to be writting well (at least better) soon

Seeya
Allie

Distance

Distance is the challenge,
The miles of darkness between us.
You took the part of you I loved,
Left a misty memory.

Memory is the invader,
Which taunts me with your kiss.
You went with promises of return,
Left without good-bye.

punkrockerrobin

Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 1180
Sparks, NV

1 posted 2002-07-03 04:29 AM

hey nice write thanks for sharin.

http://cgi6.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewSellersOtherItems&userid=hardcorerobin&include=0&since=-1&sort=3&rows=25

sillywilly
Junior Member

since 2002-06-25

Posts 33
oklahoma

2 posted 2002-07-09 01:00 PM

I am a new member so I haven't read any of your work but I enjoyed this poem. Memory sometimes kicks ya when you are down. =) Good job!

clve527
Member

since 2002-07-08

Posts 200

3 posted 2002-07-09 02:07 PM

Distance

Distance is the challenge,
The miles of darkness between us.
You took the part of you I loved,
Left a misty memory.
{Okay I see some potential here, it's a little wordy, and I think you would really benefit from shying away from the four line stanza.  Just a suggestion, but you use distance as the title so you could possibly eliminate it as the first word. This is just a suggested rewrite:
The challenge is in the miles
that lie between us.
On your way
you left a misty memory,
taking the only part of you
that I loved.
You see how changing the line breaks adds emphasis to different things.  And it makes it a more interesting read.}

Memory is the invader,
Which taunts me with your kiss.
You went with promises of return,
Left without good-bye.
{Here's a suggested line break change:
Memory invades me,
tanting me with your kiss.
(Perfect place to get adjective happy.)
You left with a promise
to return,
left with no good-bye.}

I really like this, it shows a lot of talent on your part.  I hope my rewrites are taken as such.  Different people see things differently.  But I really believe that this could benefit from different line breaks.  Good Job.

Casey

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
- T. S. Eliot

Deep_Inside
Member

since 2002-02-14

Posts 377
i can't stop hiding

4 posted 2002-07-09 03:05 PM

i like the poem, short and sweet. i remember you i'm glad your posting agian. hope to see more

allie
Member

since 2001-07-09

Posts 218
Australia

5 posted 2002-07-15 10:14 PM

Thanks for all the help!
I liked the re-writes too.

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